Waiting on June

I heard this song today and even though it wasn't the first time I have heard it, today it brought tears to my eyes. I realized how sad and beautiful it was, and what an amazing love story. It also reminded me of my grandparents. As I mentioned in my last blog, my grandfather is sick and although I am many miles away, I have watched and heard from family about how extremely devoted my grandmother has been to him through this journey. Their love story is amazing to me. They have been my true example of what devotion, love and sacrifice means. To the outside world, their story may be very mundane, but in my eyes they are amazing. It also breaks my heart to see my grandmother having to watch her one true love fade away before her eyes. Its hard on her and there are days when she wants to give up hope. There are days when he doesn't know who she is anymore. There are days when I'm sure she just sits and cries, alone in her house. But then there are those days when he calls for her in the middle of the night and they still share that bond that made them fall in love so many years ago. I cant imagine the pain she must be going through, but I know that the man she fell in love with almost 50 years ago is still loving her the very best he knows how. That is what true love looks like. 

Waiting on June
By: Holly Williams

We were slower than we used to be, the nursing home told June and me
That we'd have separate rooms side by side,
Oh what I'd give for one more night of sleeping with my wife,
Since '45 I've touched her skin in the middle of the night
So I'm lyin' in this single bed until they cut the lights,
That's when she'll sneak in and I'll be fine

Waiting on June, so we can kiss goodnight
Waiting on June, I'll hold her hand so tight
Waiting on June, I'll love her 'til I die
It's bittersweet when love grows old and you really miss your wife
Waiting on June

Well they buried me last Tuesday morn,
The good Lord came, He took me home,
I closed my eyes and quickly went away
But the angels let me see her everyday

Waiting on June, our mansion is so grand
Waiting on June, footprints in the sand
Waiting on June, that's the story of my life
Cause me and Jesus are standing here 'til she walks through that light
Waiting on June

I'm still waiting on June,
I'm always waiting on June.
No more waiting on June...

The Christmas kind of Crazy

This past weekend I had a meltdown…it’s been a while and long overdue I believe. I guess the stress and pressure of the holidays and family issues finally got to me. I think everyone deserves a good meltdown every once in a while. My last blog touched on some topics that have been bothering me and I may not have been really clear about the intent of that blog in retrospect. The questions I posed about love may have come across as me being a “negative Nancy” about love and relationships…that is not the case at all. I am a hopeless romantic and sometimes I start questioning everything…and I mean EVERYTHING. I guess last week was one of those introspective weeks and if that blog offended anyone I apologize.

I am incredibly blessed and I want to make sure that the people in my life know how much they mean to me, especially this time of year. Some of you may know that my grandfather, the one man in my life that has never hurt me (and that is amazing) is very sick and dying slowly. It hurts me beyond words that he has to go through this and that I am so far away from my family at this time. I know it’s a struggle for everyone involved. I am trying to be strong and put on a hard candy shell again, but deep down I’m afraid. I’m also afraid of going home for the holidays because I know it is always stressful for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family so so much and I miss them tremendously, but the trip itself is stressful. I have to pick up my life, my dogs, and my carefully organized routine and drive 8 hours into chaos. Like every family, my family is full of drama, good and bad and as much as I love the people…the drama drives me bonkers. I try to avoid it at all costs.

So, between the family issues and the normal holiday craziness, I finally broke and all the “feels” as my friend Sarah calls it, came rushing out on Friday night. I have to say thank you to Jon because he was so understanding and calming during my crazy spell. I was certain he would run screaming for the hills. He is a blessing to me and I don’t tell him enough.

On Saturday Jon came over and we had the most amazing, Christmas-filled day on record. We went and picked out a real tree, hauled it home and he helped me decorate the house. We listened to Christmas music as we decorated and even hung the mistletoe. It was blissful. He even convinced me to pull out the old “classic” ornaments from my childhood and do a traditional tree. I LOVE IT!! He is an old soul and it resonates with my old soul. With the house finally decorated, it’s starting to really feel like Christmas, and I am excited. My journey this year has been bumpy, and crazy, but joyous this year. I have been incredibly blessed and I have learned to find my inner strength through all the trials. I will leave you with this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that I love so much…

“A woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”

What is Love?

What is love? We all know Webster’s definition, and the Corinthian verses that explain love, but how is it played out in real life? Is the ideal of love that we see on television and read in books…is it all a big lie? Is it even achievable? Have we been duped?

I’ve struggled with knowing what real love feels like. I have shrived for love my whole life. I put on the defense of being “perfect” to gain my family’s love and acceptance for the majority of my life. If I work hard enough then they will love me. I did it with God as well…if I’m a good enough Christian then I can earn God’s love. I did it in my marriage…if I just love him through all his faults, then it will be ok and he will have to love me back. You see how that worked out.

I’m sure it’s not a secret that I’ve been in therapy for the past year, and I’m working through a lot of my issues with the idea of what real love looks like. My therapist recommended I read a book that has really opened my eyes to a lot of my issues and it’s been one of the hardest times in the past year as I work my way through this book; not because it’s a hard book to understand, but the implications and the memories that it stirs up are brutal. This passage leaped off the page at me today as I finished the study.

“Most adult children of toxic relationships grow up feeling tremendous confusion about what love means and how it’s supposed to feel. The people they trusted did extremely unloving things to them in the name of love. They came to understand love as something chaotic, dramatic, confusing, and often painful—something they had to give up their own dreams and desires for. Obviously, that’s not was love is all about. Loving behavior doesn’t grind you down, keep you off balance, or create feelings of self-hatred. Love doesn’t hurt, it feels good. Loving behavior nourishes your emotional well-being. When someone is being loving to you, you feel accepted, cared for, valued, and respected. Genuine love creates feelings of warmth, pleasure, safety, stability, and inner peace.”

I long for that kind of love. I’m working on myself this year…and what a year it has been. I’m facing a lot of my demons and I’m confronting the lies that I’ve been dealt for so long. In the process, I’m learning to stand up for myself and be the woman of God that I was created to be. I have a huge heart and a lot of love to give…and I’m not letting people…friends, family, etc. take advantage of that again. Look out for the new and improved Starr. 

Oh What a Year it Has Been

I was driving through Murfreesboro this weekend and as we drove through the town square I noticed there were race signs posted throughout that read “Murfreesboro Middle Half Marathon Race Route, October 12, 2013” and I noticed that my breath caught in my chest. Like a lightning bolt it hit me that it’s been almost a year since that last weekend as a happily married woman. One year ago this weekend I was at that race cheering on my former husband in his first ½ marathon. I was surrounded by his family and spent that beautiful fall day oblivious to the chaos that was coming just a few short days later. The sign struck me so hard because it snuck up on me. I realized that I have been so happy and content in my new life that I didn’t realize I was approaching this anniversary. That has to be a good sign right? The past few months have brought many more smiles and lots more laughter than the previous months. I am thoroughly enjoying my new job at Nissan and I feel like this is exactly where I am supposed to be for this time in my life. I am navigating the arena of dating again and breaking down the walls around my heart and letting someone new in to my life. It’s been a challenge but totally worth the fight. I’m growing leaps and bounds in my faith and my relationship with my Savior this Spring/Summer. I am engaging in my church and my small group and I’m making some great connections and friends at my church. I can honestly say that as crazy as this past year has been, it has been the worst and BEST year of my life. That is so strange to say and many people may not understand how I can say that, but I trust God and I know he is working all things out for my good. I still do not have regrets about my marriage, and I know that all of those experiences helped shape me into the woman I am today and I am moving forward into a much brighter future. I want to say thanks to all my friends and family who have helped guide and support me this year and have shown me love through all the sorrow and questions. You all are such amazing blessings to me J Here is to another year and a brand new Starr. 

Watching it Begin Again

Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do
Walked in expecting you'd be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don't know how nice that is
But I do
And you throw your head back laughing
Like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause
He never did
I've been spending the last 8 months
Thinking all love ever does
Is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe
I watched it begin again
  ~ Taylor Swift, Red Album~

I have been playing this song on repeat lately...it has been speaking to my heart and telling my story. There is a reason I can't seem to wipe this goofy grin off my face. In the words of my favorite, Ms. Reba McEntire..."His Name is Jon." ;)

Taking off the masks

Forgive me for not updating this earlier...it's been a crazy summer. I have started attending my small group regularly and I'm finding some great friendships coming out of this journey of stepping out of my comfort zone. One of the girl's in my group lent me a book that is seriously changing my mindset on a daily basis. The book is called Grace for the Good Girl, letting go of the try-hard life.

I have lived so much of my life up until this point doing exactly that, trying hard to live a perfect life with so many masks. Here is an excerpt that really spoke to me:

As a good girl, my worship was small and my service was toxic because I didn't understand the completeness of my rescue. I knew I was going to heaven when I died, but I thought my life on earth was all up to me. Jesus saved me, and now he was standing back with his arms crossed, waiting to see how I would live my life. Service seemed a burden. Worship felt contrived. I had received Christ by faith for my salvation, but I was working hard for the rest. Until he said ENOUGH. When I began to understand that my true identity was not in how I looked, how I felt, or the lies I believed, my masks began to lose their staying power. It wasn't because I was trying hard to remove them. It was because I was seeing Jesus for who he really is, and in turn I was letting him see me. 

This summer my journey of faith has continued and God has brought me out of more comfort zones. I have started dating again and that is a whole new world to me, full of insecurity, questions, talking about myself, and trying to impress. I can understand why people enjoy it when its going well, and I can fully understand staying in the house to wallow when its going poorly. God is teaching me so much about myself through this process and He is constantly revealing himself to me through prayer and this book.

And so what happens in the life of a believer who has received both the gift of salvation and the knowledge of Christ's everyday presence and empowering? What is the result of sticking to his side like a girl peering out from the folds of her mama's dress? What happens when a mask-wearing good girl comes out of hiding and dares to trust love rather than be pushed around by fear? 

I don't claim to have all the answers...I have 100 new questions each day about how this plays out in my life, and my friends' lives...BUT I am super excited to see what God has in store for me this Fall!! This good girl is coming out of hiding and taking off the masks and I'm ready to really see my face the same way God sees me. Join me on my journey :)

Dandelion

As many of you know, I'm getting back into my painting and I've decided to do a series based on songs that inspire me. I love music, and so I figured this was a way to incorporate both loves into one. 

The first one was called "Black Bird" based on the Beatles song by the same name. 

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free"

 

The second painting in the series is still in process, but it will be entitled "Firefly", inspired by the song with the same title by Sister Hazel. 

"She's not like anyone else
You wonder why she captured
You like a firefly
And makes you shine like you never could alone

And tell me
Can you see her shining
Through a crowded room
Where she's the view
And maybe
She'll embrace your innocence maybe

She gets high but hates those cigarettes
She speaks and breaks your intellect
And she's allowed to change her mind
Just you try to stop her yeah

And so it is
The same you've not been since
One hit and you were lit up like a firefly
Be careful what you wish

She tells stories like a painter, yeah
With colorful words that I don't always understand
But it always sounds like somewhere better than here
Yeah, everywhere is better with her

She has a subtle way
Of making you forget your darkness
Behind some clever conversation
No finer heart, could ever beat for you"

 

And the third painting in the series is going to be called "Dandelion" inspired by Kasey Musgraves. She is my new favorite artist right now and this song really struck a cord with me. 

I will post more pictures of the paintings as I complete them. Stay tuned.

Sleeping in Prison

Its been exactly one week since my divorce was finalized. The last post I wrote about how I had been feeling restless and anxious. Those feelings didn't subside until after I left the courthouse. For anyone else going through this process, you will come to find out that the actual divorce proceedings in the court are very anti-climactic. It was very cut and dry and no emotion. Afterwards, as we walked back to the cars, trying to make small talk, the realization that it was all over hit me. I held it together as best I could, until the elevator doors shut. It was almost a flood of emotion, relief, exhaustion, freedom. It's honestly hard to explain.

Well, the week that followed was also anti-climactic. I didn't all of sudden feel this huge burden lifted off my shoulders or anything. I went downtown to Nashville Dancin' on Thursday night and hung out with some church friends at the Old Spaghetti Factory. I think this group of strangers that I call "small group" will turn into some amazing friendships this year. The only thing that felt different about that night was the fact that I could look around and check out other guys without feeling guilty. That is a big step.

Fast forward to Saturday...my Freedom Party. I spent the day preparing and getting the house looking good, putting the food and decorations together, and mentally preparing for entertaining my guests. I love to host parties. It was great to spend time with all of my closest friends and just enjoy their presence in my life.

Sunday I was exhausted...but I got up and went to church and boy am I glad. God had a message picked out just for me. We are going through the book of Acts right now and this week's passage was from Acts 12. It was talking about Paul's escape from prison. How appropriate!!

The verses that we focused on were Acts 12: 5-6. "So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him.6The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries stood guard at the entrance."

Pastor Joel spoke about what in our lives are our prisons? What are the things/issues/relationships that we struggle with on a daily basis? And in the midst of those struggles do we trust God enough to REST in the middle of them? Paul was facing execution the next morning and he was asleep in his cell. Why was he not bothered? Why was he not pacing the floor begging God to save him?

What I got from this passage was the fact that Paul trusted God enough, and his faith was strong enough that no matter what situation he found himself in, he didn't have to worry. He knew that God would protect him, and even if he died that next morning, he would be with God in Heaven. What did he have to fear? 

That morning as I sat there in church, surrounded by new friends, and listening to the sermon, all I could do was cry out to God to give me peace. I prayed that He would give me faith strong enough to peacefully sit in the midst of my prison, until the time came for the doors to be flung open. 

The weight has been lifted off of me this week. It sheds little by little each day. And God is already opening up doors for me. I can see the light shining in!! Hold on...this journey is about to get good :)

Restlessness

Today I am feeling restless, anxious, out of control. I've been feeling this way for quite a while, but today it seems intensified. One week from today I will be jumping off that cliff called "Divorce", and I can only trust in God to give me wings.

Today I am dealing with a lot of stress outside of that too, which makes it even more difficult to wrap my head around where my anxiety stems from. Some days are much better than others, today I just feel uneasy about everything. You know that feeling called "restless leg syndrome" where your legs just have to move or you feel like you will go crazy? Well I have "restless life syndrome". I have a problem with being content. I am not content with my place in life at the moment. I'm not secure in my job right now and I have a stressed relationship with my boss...he cant seem to figure out that my name is not "Dawn". I am not secure in my decision to keep my house, or put it on the market this fall...every day that passes a small house sounds more appealing to me (with no roommates). I am definitely not secure in my dating relationships...I have none. The only thing that I am secure in is my relationship with my Savior.

I was sitting at lunch today just staring off into the distance and listening to the birds chirping away and I was praying that God would help me understand my restlessness. I started realizing that I'm more anxious about this court date than I thought. I don't think I'm anxious that I will be upset or be distraught or anything...I've pretty much dealt with all those feelings. I think what I'm most anxious about is the fact that in 7 days, I will be on my own.

I have been using this past 8 months not only to heal from the pain of a broken marriage, but I've been using it as an excuse...I can't talk that cute guy because I'm still technically married...I can't sell the house and move because I have to wait to refinance it when the divorce is settled...I can't change jobs because I need the money because I have a huge mortgage payment (see 2nd point)...I can't do this or that because I'm still married.

Well my excuses are coming to an end and now I have to face the fact that I can make whatever decisions I want to make without having to answer to anyone else! That is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. The possibilities are endless, but then again there is no one to catch me if I fall. I'm restless because I have so many dreams and ambitions, but I don't know where to start. I know this is the beginning of a new journey for me, and I am constantly praying for doors to be flung wide open for me. I trust in God's provision for me because He has never failed me yet.

I am anxious...but it's like a kid getting ready to go to Disney World...I just can't wait to see what my life is going to look like!!

Streams in the Desert

My journey continues on day by day, step by step, through the wilderness called "Divorce". It is a strange, heart-breaking, yet redemptive journey, with God's help of course. Its been right at 7 months since we separated and although it seems like forever, it also went by like the blinking of an eye. I guess time does that as we get older...and hopefully wiser. The past month has brought many new experiences, and many chances for me to escape my comfort zone and take a few more leaps of faith. One of the major leaps has been going through the process of becoming a member of my church. I have been attending Midtown Fellowship for about 10 years off and on...more off than on regretfully. I love this church and its people have surrounded and comforted me through the past several months as the rest of my world seemed to be crumbling. I felt God leading me to take that next step and join the church...one to get involved, but even more so to have a group of people who will keep me accountable...a family.

I wanted to share a story about my journey into membership. One of the last steps to becoming a member of the church is to go to one of the elder's homes and give your testimony among a group of other soon-to-be-members. As an introvert, I was terrified by this. God is teaching me confidence and strength in EVERY area of my life lately. That night, as I sat and listened to the other 7 or so people share, the idea of a "Desert time" in their lives was a recurring theme. I sat there thinking about what my "desert" moment was...and the only time that really kept repeating was my entire 20's. How sad is that?

As I sat and started to share my story I feel like God just gave me the words and the strength to share because I was shaking like crazy. Not many of the people at my church know that I am in the process of a divorce. I didn't feel it necessary to throw that out there to semi-strangers. But that night, I felt it was as good a time as any. As I shared that part of my story, I remember the looks on people's faces, and the almost simultaneous "awww" that inadvertantly escaped their lips. That was what I wanted to avoid. I don't want pity. This journey is a major factor in what has led me to where I am today as a Christian, and this new relationship with my Savior was founded out of utter despair and brokenness. I want my story to be about how God has brought me out of that, and the path that God is leading me on now. This new decade of life has already brought so many new revelations into my life, not only of my strength (that comes from God, not me...I'm as weak as the next gal), but of what I will be known for, and the witness that I will be of God's amazing grace and love.

I will leave with a quote from the book Streams in the Desert:

He leads us on by paths we did not know;

Upward He leads us, though our steps be slow,

Though oft we faint and falter on the way,

Though storms and darkness oft obscure the day;

Yet when the clouds are gone,

We know He leads us on. 

My Life is a Dirty Carpet

I was shampooing the carpets in my basement bedroom last night and as I sat there methodically pushing and pulling that steam cleaner across the floor, listening to the roar of the engine, I found myself thinking a lot. It took me a good hour and a half to finish the floor, and during that time I started comparing my dirty floor to my life. Let me explain…

I bought this house a few months back and on the surface, the basement carpet looked in really good condition for the age of the house. No stains, no foul smells, and the fibers were still fluffy and vibrant. I moved in and started living my life on this carpet and that’s when it all started to change. One by one the stains came…dogs, muddy boots, and paint. I try to cover them up with rugs; try to scrub them out with stain removers. Then on top of the stains, there starts to be this unmistakable odor that permeates through the room. I buy more air fresheners; I light candles to mask the smell. But in the back of my mind, I always know there is something wrong with the carpet…it’s not fresh and vibrant anymore. I try to ignore it…I close the bedroom door so none of my guests know the hidden secret that lies in the basement. I consider the costs of replacing the carpet all together and starting with a clean slate. But ultimately, I resort to the hard work of cleaning the carpet. 

I borrow the steam cleaner, I buy the formula, and I read the instructions so I don’t miss a step. I move all the furniture, I vacuum the carpet first. I begin this long, laborious task and slowly I start to feel good about the results. After the first few passes of the cleaner, there isn’t much change. The stains are still there, the odors still smell. But after a while, I start to notice the color of the water. It’s gross. The cleaner is doing its job and the dirt and grime is starting to be cleaned away. After about half of the room is completed, I realized just how dirty the carpet really was. There was stuff being removed that I never knew was there. There were stains that were not even visible to the naked eye that were being washed away. And the best part…the room was starting to smell clean. 

I was feeling very accomplished by the time I was finishing up the room. Then a thought hit me…I can’t keep the carpet this clean forever. As soon as I step foot on it, it will start getting dirty again. The dogs are going to come back down here and they are going to make messes on my clean carpet. I was starting to get anxious, when I remembered that I can always clean it again. There is nothing that life can throw at me, no amount of piss or mud that the CLEANER can’t remove. I know it seems kinda cheesy, but this metaphor brought me comfort last night.

My New Normal

In the midst of tragedy, it's hard to feel like life will ever be normal again. No matter what the tragedy is, big or small. Well, I don't think I will ever have a "normal" life, but things are starting to fall into place for me again. I'm having to figure out what my new life is going to look like, and the fun part is...I get to choose!!

It's such a simple concept, but I am learning to set boundaries and that includes figuring out which people and which influences I will allow into my new life. I get to choose how I spend my days, what I do with my nights, and what attitude I will have through it all.

Lately, my new normal has included a very rigid routine (because that's what I like). I like my life to be organized and controlled...and since I can't control much, I try to keep to routines. My evenings lately have been spent walking the dogs around the neighborhood, meeting new neighbors, being chased by neighborhood dogs while jogging, cooking dinner, going to the gym, watching tv, cooking, listening to music, crafting/decorating the house and crocheting (for the many many baby showers that I've been invited to).

I am really starting to love my new life. I love my house and my neighborhood. I love that I'm learning to step out of my comfort zone to meet new people, to open up to people about my struggles, and to be vulnerable again.

I'm really excited to see what this Spring and Summer will look like. I know it will involve a lot of yard work, UUGGGHH, but I may learn to love it. I am eagerly anticipating the warm nights spent on my back deck, or in my hammock, watching the many colorful birds that live in my backyard. I envision nights on the porch of Cafe Coco with my best friend (before she moves away), and many weekends spent with my 3 pups at the dog parks. I look forward to Wednesday nights playing soccer in Mboro and the many free outdoor concerts downtown Nashville.

Spring symbolizes new life and I am so looking forward to embracing my new life this year. Its definitely not how I envisioned my life to be at this point, but I have so much to be thankful for!! I am blessed to be a blessing.

Journey of Faith

I know its been a few months since my last update. Life has been wonderfully crazy and that is just how I like it. For those of you who have been following my blog and my journey over the past 6 months, you know that God has been working on my heart in amazing ways. For those of you new to my story, I hope you see Jesus in me and I hope you see the ways in which He is being glorified through all the steps I have been taking on this journey of faith.

And its just that...a journey of faith. I always considered myself a Christian and I always, in true Nazarene form, tried to make sure I kept a holy "looking" lifestyle, although on the inside I was filled with guilt and shame. I knew I was a sinner and didn't deserve God's grace because I was never a "good enough" Christian. I judged people for their lifestyles, I didn't read my Bible, I didn't pray, I made excuses to not go to church, but deep down I still believed the promises of God were true.

Well, about past 6 months ago, my whole world and identity as I knew it came crashing down around me. If you don't know that story, just read back in my blog. I feel that since October of 2012 that I have been on a journey to rediscover who I am, who God is, and what that means for me. I am relating really well with Lot the past few months, especially the end of 2012 when all things seemed like a lost cause and I wanted to find a hole to crawl into. I feel like God has been using this awful situation to draw me closer to Him and to reveal himself to me in ways that are new and exciting. I feel that I had to come to a point where all the idols in my life had to be stripped away before I could truly see God. That process has been the most painful one I have ever gone through and I would never wish that on anyone.

But there is hope. Looking back over the past 6 months to the person I was in October, I can barely recognize that girl anymore. I have taken more leaps of faith this year than I have in the past 5 years combined. I am stepping out of my comfort zone to to step into the life God has called me to, as scary as it is. I have started attending the membership classes at my church and I have signed up to become part of a small group. Last night was the first night of the small group intensive and I sat there half full of fear and half full of excitement for the future. Its the first time in a while that I have felt like this is exactly where God wants me to be. I have no idea what kind of group that I will become part of, but I trust that God will place people into my life that will help me to dig out and sort through all of my issues and my questions, and my insecurities. I also trust that God will put people into my life that I can minister to as well.

I left the church last night and I had this strange sensation that I was standing on the edge of a cliff, looking around, but I wasn't scared. Then I had a dream last night that I was hang-gliding and just letting the wind take me where ever it chose to go. I was not in control, and it was so incredibly freeing!!

My only hope for this journey is that I can look back on this time in my life and I can honestly say that I have no regrets, and that I trusted God completely. I pray that my journey can be a blessing to someone out there and that I can be an example of God's grace and provision through even the most awful of situations.

I am so excited to see what tomorrow brings!!

Ruthless Redemption- Part 3

This past Sunday was the last installment of the Ruthless Redemption Series on the book of Ruth by Russ Ramsey. I have to say, this has been one of my favorite sermon series, because it has been so relevant to me. This week focused on the 4th chapter of Ruth and the concepts of Desire and Expectation. The questions that Russ asked were "What are you willing  to let your heart desire?" and "How do you manage pain and expectations?"

This one hit close to home for me this week. Almost my entire life I have lived by the motto of "I'll believe it when I see it" and "Don't get your hopes up." I know that sounds sad, but coming from an alcoholic home, I have seen too many hopes and desires get shattered. I used that as a defense mechanism to keep my heart from getting hurt. It didn't work most of the time, which in turn just made me lower my expectations of people.

This sermon made me dive into those emotions and defenses and really examine them. It made me question how I deal with pain now and how I deal with life when expectations get shattered.

Russ offered two ways to deal with our pain that came from two blessings that were given in the book of Ruth:

1. Depend on God to step in and miraculously intervene in the middle of the pain.  God knows the hurt we face, and He can heal our hearts if we depend on Him and allow him to step into that pain with us.

2. Deal honestly with our pain by seeing it through the lens of loss that you experienced, not denying our hiding it from yourself or the world. You don't have to pretend that you have it all figured out or that you didn't suffer the loss, or the hurt of failed expectations. You just have to deal with it and honestly seek healing.

This sermon couldn't have come at a better time for me. It was delivered on my 30th birthday; a day filled with failed expectations on my part, and the pain of spending this momentous milestone birthday alone. It is so comforting to know that I am never alone with God, and He is the only one that can love my heart completely. He is awakening new desires in me that I have buried for so long, and I am starting to recognize the desires to love and be loved again. It is wonderfully painful because I am a beautiful mess.

Ruthless Redemption- Part 2

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that my church is going through the book of Ruth for the month of January. Well this week Russ preached from Ruth 3 and told the story of Boaz redeeming Ruth as her "kinsman redeemer." I wont try to summarize Russ' message because I would not do it justice, but there were some key points that stood out to me and weaved the message of Redemption into my heart; a message that would continue to echo throughout the day. Again, God has a way of repeating himself to me so that I don't miss the message.

Russ asked us the question, "What do we do when we ask God for something and he says, Not Now?" That question resonated with me because I feel like that's what is happening in my life. I'm even at a point where I feel like God is saying NO to my prayers.

Russ went on to explain the idea of a redeemer in the days of Ruth and what that means. A redeemer was a man who would have the option to take a woman as his wife if her husband were to die or leave. The redeemer would be a relative of the husband and would have the OPTION to marry her and take her in to protect her. He was not forced by law to do this. He would only do it if he WANTED to because it was 1. expensive/costly, 2. permanent. Someone would not go into this situation lightly, and so the act of redeeming someone showed just how much they loved or cared for that woman. 

Russ then went on to compare Boaz to God and related how God is our Redeemer. God doesn't have to save us, he chooses to, all because he loves us.

 I left the church feeling renewed and loved by God in a way that I can't really explain. All I  knew was I had been chosen by God to be loved and cared for, and no one could take that away from me.

Later in the day I went to see the movie Le Mis with Margaret from my DC class. I have to confess that I didn't know the story and really didn't know what to expect. I was blown away by this movie. The movie is a wonderful story of forgiveness, love and REDEMPTION! God was speaking to me again as I sat in that theater. He was reminding me again that he chose me and he loves me. He will protect my heart through all these trials. 

The last little reminder came through music...my favorite form of messages from God. As I left the theater, this song by Big Daddy Weave came on the radio called "Redeemed." Take a listen and I hope you are blessed by it as well.

Ruthless Redemption

Today was an emotional day, but a redemptive day also. After yesterday not having the energy to even get out of my pj's, I decided I had to get out of the house today. I did miss the 9:00 service, so I went to the 11:00 one. I think it was God-designed, because I ended up seeing a great friend there that I wouldn't have seen if I went to the early service. I got to church a bit early and decided to sit in the car and read my book, Flying Solo, until time for church to start. I really didn't want to walk into the church too early because I was feeling really insecure and didn't want to draw any more attention to myself than necessary. I know that may sound crazy, but that's where I was this morning. Don't judge.

I went in and found a seat and ended up introducing myself to a few people sitting near me. It was the first Sunday of the month, and the year for that matter, which means Communion. I LOVE communion Sundays but I know that I am always an emotional wreck at the end of those services. Today was no different. God knew where my heart was this morning and I could feel His sweet spirit with me from the moment I stepped foot in the door. Every song spoke directly to my heart, especially this one:

Then Russ came up and started telling us about our next sermon series for January and I knew the message was a gift to me from God. We are going through the book of Ruth in the month of January, a chapter per week. As soon as he mentioned Ruth's name I was taken back to my dating days in college and the time I read "A Lady in Waiting". It made me realize that I should probably pick that book back up again. Some of the topics that Russ talked about this morning really spoke to me, and I spent the whole sermon trying to fight back the tears. God is so good.

Russ said that God is already working out your story for 2013 and you don't even know it yet. That gave me encouragement, because where I am at right now, it can only get better. I'm excited to see what my story will be this year.

He also said that God is involved in the details of your life, working all of it together for your good. He is working in more ways than you even know. God is in the middle of your healing process.

The story of Ruth is about two widows and their walk through suffering. I find myself walking right next to them and I was so excited when I heard that this is how we were starting the year. What a wonderful message from God this morning to me. I had just read in my book that morning that its so amazing that God is the husband to the husbandless. That was reiterated this morning in the sermon. I love how God repeats himself to me because he knows that I usually need to hear it multiple times to really understand it and apply it to my life.

After church I went and spoke to my friend "A" and she was amazing and listened to me and challenged me and prayed over me. I miss her so much, and I needed her this morning. Needless to say I was a MESS when I left the church. Its awesome to know that I can be a mess and no one will judge me for that in my church. God is so present in my life right now and its wonderful. Every tear I cry is one step closer to redemption and a new life. Praise the Lord that this is not the end of my story. To God be the glory.

"Despair is for people who know, beyond any doubt what the future is going to bring. Nobody is in that position. So depair is not only a kind of sin theologically, but also a simple mistake, because nobody actually knows. In that sense, there is hope."  ~Patrick Curry

30 Resolutions for my 30th

Ok, with the beginning of a new month, I wanted to give a quick update on how I'm doing on my 30 for 30 goals. February updates in RED. March updates in BLUE. April and May in GREEN. June updates in ORANGE. 

With the start of a new year, and the beginning of my 30th year of life...I have been reflecting and planning on a few things that I want to accomplish this year. I know most people don't keep their resolutions for the new year, and I am a past offender :) This year, its a little different for me. So here is my list for this year...(in no particular order)

1. Grow closer to God, depending on HIM to give me worth and security.
• I've started doing a daily devotional again 
• I've been going to church on a regular basis now and I am learning so much.  
• Beginning the process of becoming a member of my church and starting a new small group. 
• I started my small group meetings at church this month and I'm having a great time with it so far. God is really teaching me how to live out grace in my life.  
2. To go skiing

• I went tubing with Sara at Ober Gatlinburg...it was next to skiiing :)
3. To get my tattoo of a celtic star on my hip
• I didn't get the Celtic Star yet, but I did get a small star on my foot. 
  
4. To get regular chiropractic adjustments
• Dr. Dedmon adjusts me once a month :) 
• Still going :) 
• I fell on my knee pretty hard and screwed up my lower back. I was going to the Chiro once a week through the month of March. 
• Still going every month for maintenance adjustments.  
5. To run a 5K each month of the year with Debbie








• Ran the Zoo Run Run on 1/26 with a time of 40:18!! 
• Ran the Cupid's Chase with Debbie on 2/9 with a time of 40:15!
• Ran the Color Run with Debbie, Sarah, and Todd on 3/30. It wasn't timed. 
• Ran the Purity Dairy Dash in April with a time of 37 mins
• Ran the Ellie's Run for Africa in May with a time of  39 mins
• Ran the Pillsbury Challenge 5K on 6/22 with Chris with a time of 38 mins 
6. To paint at least one painting a month
• Didn't paint anything this month but had one of my paintings displayed at Two Tone Art Gallery Opening :)
• I painted the Nashville skyline and started on my black bird painting 
• I finished my Black Bird painting and have started on "Firefly" 
7. To finish remodeling my house
• Made progress on the downstairs bathroom with getting some of the tile work done 
• Still working on the bathroom, but finished my china hutch and bought a new dining room table and chairs. 
• did a little more work on my bedroom, including making a desk and headboard for my bed. And I planted a flower garden. 
8. To read one book a month

• Finished Flying Solo 
• Started reading Gone with The Wind, Boundaries, and 50 Shades of Grey
• Still reading all the books above.  
• I still haven't finished any of the ones above, but I started Ragamuffin Gospel :) 
• Still reading all of these except 50 shades of Grey...not interested 
9. To go on a vacation to an exotic place
• I dont know how exotic Oak Island NC is, but I did go to the beach :)
  
10. To pay off my car
11. To watch Gone with the Wind for the first time :)
12. To be more connected and engaged in my friend's lives

• I went to Gatlinburg with Sara for a girl's weekend 
• I went to Fancy Gap VA with Margaret and Shannon for a girl's weekend
13. To have a regular girls night
14. To spoil my dogs absolutely rotten :)



• I made them their own doggie bedroom 
15. To find an awesome roommate
• Erika moved in this month...so far she is awesome :)
16. To complete my DC classes and come out a healed, more secure person
• Completed my class and definitely feel like it helped me through this time in my life. 
17. To sky-dive
18. To go to the shooting range

• Check! Margaret and I went to Guns & Leather for target practice. 
19. To get my concealed weapon permit and a new gun
20. To go to at least 5 concerts, big or small
 





• I saw Eric Vinson, Michael Logen, Stacy Lantz and Jillian Edwards Chapman at the Blue Bird on 1/29, and went out with the girls downtown to see a band at The Silver Dollar Saloon 
• Sara and I saw a great bluegrass band in Gatlinburg, and the DC girls went downtown again and saw a few more bands play at Silver Dollar
• Went to one day of CMA Fest on the Riverfront and saw Lone Star. Also went to see Shooter Jennings at Nashville Dancin' 
21. To not let any one person define me as a person, besides God
22. To go to a Titan's and a Predator's game

• Debbie and I went to a Pred's game
23. To see Duke men's basketball team play a game in person
24. To get kissed a by a hot stranger...just for kicks
• Working on this one ;)
25. To excel at my job and make a good impression on my bosses
26. To be an awesome daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt and cousin
27. To visit some Nashville landmarks that I have still yet to see
• Added a few new ones to my list while Cody and his friends were in town. 
28. Ride the bikes downtown on a date
29. To step out of my comfort zone 
• I signed up to be a greeter at my church 
• God is stretching me almost everyday to get out of my comfort zone in one way or another.  
30. TO BE A BLESSING TO SOMEONE EVERYDAY 

So there is my list...let's check back in on January 1st next year to see how many I completed :) Happy New Year!! Hopefully 13 will be my lucky number this year!!