My Life is a Dirty Carpet

I was shampooing the carpets in my basement bedroom last night and as I sat there methodically pushing and pulling that steam cleaner across the floor, listening to the roar of the engine, I found myself thinking a lot. It took me a good hour and a half to finish the floor, and during that time I started comparing my dirty floor to my life. Let me explain…

I bought this house a few months back and on the surface, the basement carpet looked in really good condition for the age of the house. No stains, no foul smells, and the fibers were still fluffy and vibrant. I moved in and started living my life on this carpet and that’s when it all started to change. One by one the stains came…dogs, muddy boots, and paint. I try to cover them up with rugs; try to scrub them out with stain removers. Then on top of the stains, there starts to be this unmistakable odor that permeates through the room. I buy more air fresheners; I light candles to mask the smell. But in the back of my mind, I always know there is something wrong with the carpet…it’s not fresh and vibrant anymore. I try to ignore it…I close the bedroom door so none of my guests know the hidden secret that lies in the basement. I consider the costs of replacing the carpet all together and starting with a clean slate. But ultimately, I resort to the hard work of cleaning the carpet. 

I borrow the steam cleaner, I buy the formula, and I read the instructions so I don’t miss a step. I move all the furniture, I vacuum the carpet first. I begin this long, laborious task and slowly I start to feel good about the results. After the first few passes of the cleaner, there isn’t much change. The stains are still there, the odors still smell. But after a while, I start to notice the color of the water. It’s gross. The cleaner is doing its job and the dirt and grime is starting to be cleaned away. After about half of the room is completed, I realized just how dirty the carpet really was. There was stuff being removed that I never knew was there. There were stains that were not even visible to the naked eye that were being washed away. And the best part…the room was starting to smell clean. 

I was feeling very accomplished by the time I was finishing up the room. Then a thought hit me…I can’t keep the carpet this clean forever. As soon as I step foot on it, it will start getting dirty again. The dogs are going to come back down here and they are going to make messes on my clean carpet. I was starting to get anxious, when I remembered that I can always clean it again. There is nothing that life can throw at me, no amount of piss or mud that the CLEANER can’t remove. I know it seems kinda cheesy, but this metaphor brought me comfort last night.

My New Normal

In the midst of tragedy, it's hard to feel like life will ever be normal again. No matter what the tragedy is, big or small. Well, I don't think I will ever have a "normal" life, but things are starting to fall into place for me again. I'm having to figure out what my new life is going to look like, and the fun part is...I get to choose!!

It's such a simple concept, but I am learning to set boundaries and that includes figuring out which people and which influences I will allow into my new life. I get to choose how I spend my days, what I do with my nights, and what attitude I will have through it all.

Lately, my new normal has included a very rigid routine (because that's what I like). I like my life to be organized and controlled...and since I can't control much, I try to keep to routines. My evenings lately have been spent walking the dogs around the neighborhood, meeting new neighbors, being chased by neighborhood dogs while jogging, cooking dinner, going to the gym, watching tv, cooking, listening to music, crafting/decorating the house and crocheting (for the many many baby showers that I've been invited to).

I am really starting to love my new life. I love my house and my neighborhood. I love that I'm learning to step out of my comfort zone to meet new people, to open up to people about my struggles, and to be vulnerable again.

I'm really excited to see what this Spring and Summer will look like. I know it will involve a lot of yard work, UUGGGHH, but I may learn to love it. I am eagerly anticipating the warm nights spent on my back deck, or in my hammock, watching the many colorful birds that live in my backyard. I envision nights on the porch of Cafe Coco with my best friend (before she moves away), and many weekends spent with my 3 pups at the dog parks. I look forward to Wednesday nights playing soccer in Mboro and the many free outdoor concerts downtown Nashville.

Spring symbolizes new life and I am so looking forward to embracing my new life this year. Its definitely not how I envisioned my life to be at this point, but I have so much to be thankful for!! I am blessed to be a blessing.

Journey of Faith

I know its been a few months since my last update. Life has been wonderfully crazy and that is just how I like it. For those of you who have been following my blog and my journey over the past 6 months, you know that God has been working on my heart in amazing ways. For those of you new to my story, I hope you see Jesus in me and I hope you see the ways in which He is being glorified through all the steps I have been taking on this journey of faith.

And its just that...a journey of faith. I always considered myself a Christian and I always, in true Nazarene form, tried to make sure I kept a holy "looking" lifestyle, although on the inside I was filled with guilt and shame. I knew I was a sinner and didn't deserve God's grace because I was never a "good enough" Christian. I judged people for their lifestyles, I didn't read my Bible, I didn't pray, I made excuses to not go to church, but deep down I still believed the promises of God were true.

Well, about past 6 months ago, my whole world and identity as I knew it came crashing down around me. If you don't know that story, just read back in my blog. I feel that since October of 2012 that I have been on a journey to rediscover who I am, who God is, and what that means for me. I am relating really well with Lot the past few months, especially the end of 2012 when all things seemed like a lost cause and I wanted to find a hole to crawl into. I feel like God has been using this awful situation to draw me closer to Him and to reveal himself to me in ways that are new and exciting. I feel that I had to come to a point where all the idols in my life had to be stripped away before I could truly see God. That process has been the most painful one I have ever gone through and I would never wish that on anyone.

But there is hope. Looking back over the past 6 months to the person I was in October, I can barely recognize that girl anymore. I have taken more leaps of faith this year than I have in the past 5 years combined. I am stepping out of my comfort zone to to step into the life God has called me to, as scary as it is. I have started attending the membership classes at my church and I have signed up to become part of a small group. Last night was the first night of the small group intensive and I sat there half full of fear and half full of excitement for the future. Its the first time in a while that I have felt like this is exactly where God wants me to be. I have no idea what kind of group that I will become part of, but I trust that God will place people into my life that will help me to dig out and sort through all of my issues and my questions, and my insecurities. I also trust that God will put people into my life that I can minister to as well.

I left the church last night and I had this strange sensation that I was standing on the edge of a cliff, looking around, but I wasn't scared. Then I had a dream last night that I was hang-gliding and just letting the wind take me where ever it chose to go. I was not in control, and it was so incredibly freeing!!

My only hope for this journey is that I can look back on this time in my life and I can honestly say that I have no regrets, and that I trusted God completely. I pray that my journey can be a blessing to someone out there and that I can be an example of God's grace and provision through even the most awful of situations.

I am so excited to see what tomorrow brings!!