Starting a new chapter

It's been 11 days since my world as I knew it came crashing down around my feet, all at the hands of the man I vowed to spend my life with. October 18th was a Thursday, and the first part of the day was normal. I went to work, chatted with Daniel online and we even planned a date night to go to Chuy's and walk around the mall. Things had been a little awkward that week and I thought a date night was just what we needed to reconnect. Boy was I wrong. I came home from work and got a shower and got ready to go on our date. Daniel arrived home and I could tell that something was bothering him and he seemed upset. I asked him what was wrong and pressed him to talk to me. I was not prepared for what he was about to say.

We went upstairs and sat on the couch. I could tell he was conflicted and he had tears in his eyes. He said he didn't really want to tell me because he knew it would hurt me, but he just blurted it out...I want a divorce. I was shocked, hurt, and confused. He went on to tell me that he loved me, but was not in love with me and he had been feeling this way for a couple of years now. He said he has been trying to deal with these emotions on his own and he has been pretending that everything is ok, but he can't pretend any longer. I wasn't even sure how to respond to that except to be extremely hurt, and to feel betrayed and lied to for so long. How could I trust anything he said or did in our marriage? Was it all a lie? Did he ever love me?

The past couple of weeks has sorta all blurred into one big nightmare filled with many tears, false hope about reconciliation, questions, stress, and more tears. Last night we sat down and drew up the separation papers and painstakingly went through who would keep each piece of furniture and cars, and how we would split up the finances. It was like all a big dream or nightmare. I felt disconnected from my body thinking...this can't really be my life. How could this man whom I devoted the last 5 years of my life to, just boil down our entire relationship into a business transaction with no emotion and no real concern? Do I mean that little to him after this long? He was even making jokes at my expense right there at the dinner table as I was dealing with the most hurtful thing I have ever had to deal with. How did we get to this point? How was I so blinded to the fact that he was not happy? Why did he chose to hide it for so long, and not just from me, but from our friends, and family too.

I know those of you reading this are probably just as shocked as I am. I just want you to know that I loved him with all my heart, and I fought for us to work to save our marriage. I did not give up, and I never stopped loving him because I made a commitment to him, to God and to our friends and family. Now, I have to move on. You know that saying, "If you love them you have to let them go", well I'm letting him go. I trust that God has a better plan for me. He wants me to be happy too. He wants me to have a man in my life that adores me, and who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I deserve that, and I deserve to be happy too. I never thought I would ever have to go through this. I never wanted to have the stigma of "divorce" hanging over my head. I never thought that I would be 30 and having to start my life completely over. I am trusting that God has something amazing for me on the other side of this. Please continue to pray for me and call to check on me. Loneliness is the worst part of it all. Thank you in advance for your support.

Strong enough for the both of us

So, its not a secret, at least I hope its not, that Daniel and I have been trying to get pregnant for right at a year now. I was diagnosed with PCOS in April of this year and its been a struggle for us. Through all the ups and downs we have faced this year, I have to admit, my faith and my security have taken a beating. 

We have been busy with the new house and the new jobs so we haven't had a whole lot of time to dwell on the fact that its going to be a struggle to get pregnant. And, honestly, that's probably a good thing. I don't think it would be healthy for me to dwell on the fact that even though both of our sisters are like baby-making machines...I am "broken" in that department. 

I have been doing a lot of research about PCOS and trying to understand all the "challenges" that I will be facing. Its such a strange and complex disease, and it manifests in so many different ways for each woman, that its really difficult to truly understand it and know what to expect. 

I started going to a new doctor last month, after battling with my old OBGYN who didn't see eye-to-eye with me about being on infertility drugs....I don't want them unless I have to have them. The new doctor has been great so far and is very encouraging about getting me pregnant. Although, through all the encouragement, my body has been betraying me this past month. I was visited by "Aunt Flow" for almost three weeks straight after not seeing her for 3 months in a row. The Dr. put me on some vitamins, antibiotics and some birth control pills to stop the visit. Then when I'm done, the next step will be to try Metformin for a few months to regulate my ovulation. So long story short, I have been a hormonal mess for the past month, and sadly...Daniel has been the victim of my crazy.

Not only have I been emotional, I have been dealing with some severe insecurity issues lately too, which have also been dumped on my sweet hubby. Oh and let's not forget the insatiable hunger that has accompanied the hormonal change as well (although surprisingly I feel like I have lost weight in the process). I have started reading a book by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity" and it is great. I have also been loving this Matthew West song called "Strong Enough".

You must  

You must think I'm strong 

To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me 

Forgive me if I'm wrong  

But this looks like more than I can do 

On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be 

everything that I'm supposed to be 

I give up I'm not stong enough  

Hands of mercy won't you cover me  

Lord right now I'm asking you to be  

Strong enough  

Strong enough For the both of us
Well, maybe 

Maybe that's the point  

To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally 

Finally at rock bottom  

Well, that's when I start looking up 

And reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be  

Everything that I'm supposed to be 

I give up  

I'm not strong enough  

Hands of mercy won't you cover me 

Lord right now I'm asking you to be 

Strong enough

I have been trying to give all my worry and concern and fears over to God and let him heal me, but I'm so stubborn. I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights because my mind won't turn off. I picked up my Beth Moore book last night and after a few minutes of reading in bed I felt the need to go sit out on the backporch and read while the storm rolled in. It was a brisk evening but the warm air blowing in from the storm felt nice. I sat there and continued reading and within 2 minutes, Beth was telling me in her book how she had a night similar to mine, and how she went out on her back deck and read and prayed and how she heard God whisper to her that she was enough...that she was loved...and that nothing could change that. 

I just got chills again writing that...That was exactly what I needed to hear last night. I needed to hear that I am "enough"...that I am LOVED, NO MATTER WHAT!!! Through all the crazy, through all the "barren-ness" that I have been experiencing, I am still enough for the God of the universe, and he LOVES ME!! Me---the broken, hormonal, crazy, hungry woman who is almost 30 with no kids...He loves me. That's enough for me as well.