I'm (not) OK

I have a ton of different things running through my mind tonight so I'm just going to start typing and see what happens. I dont think I would be able to sleep if I dont get it out, so be warned...this may be a random assortment of thoughts and ideas...

I started going to my Divorce Care classes tonight. Its a 13 week program held at Christ Church that helps people like me who are going through separation or divorce. Just typing that sentence was so difficult on my pride. I still dont want to carry that stigma. Anyways, as I sat there and listened to the stories of these other 6 ladies from all backgrounds, ages, lengths of marriage, and number of children, I realized that I'm not ok with this...not OK at all. Let me explain...

I have put on a tough exterior lately and I have been telling everyone, and myself for that matter, that everything is ok. "I'm actually doing better than expected", and "Its really not that bad" have been my mantras for about a month. On the surface, I am doing pretty good. I mean I'm not laid up on the couch crying my eyes out and not eating like I was at first. I enjoy being by myself in this house with the dogs most of the time, and I am functioning in the world. But tonight, as I sat there in that room drinking coffee and eating chocolate, I realized that I'm not ok. Deep down, below the surface of the proud exterior I have perfected, I am a mess. I am broken. I am mourning. I am mourning the death of my marriage. I had such high expectations for our life together. I am mourning the fact that I wont have children any time soon. I am mourning the fact that my best friend just decided I wasnt worth the fight anymore and took the cowards way out. Sorry, but that's the truth. I am angry. I am hurt. I want to sooth the pain anyway I know how, and that includes drinking Woodchuck, watching sappy chick flicks, talking to my friends about my issues, not talking about my issues with other friends, and generally ignoring my feelings.

It seems everyone just expects me to be "OK" so quickly, and to move on with my life seemingly as quickly as it all ended. I dont know how to do that. I think that is an unfair expectation. I know everyone means well and they want me to be happy, but I need to feel the feelings and deal with them, not stuff them in a box called "normal" and "adjusted".

One thing that I am struggling with is having friends that understand what I'm going through. None of my close friends have ever had to deal with divorce, and so their "counsel" is limited. I still appreciate all the advice and the prayers, but its hard to really know how I'm feeling. I am also struggling with the thought that I am a burden on my friends. I know how draining it is to have a friend dealing with emotional issues and to always be that support. For me though, I am extremely lonely, so that means I may email you or text you out of the blue just to have someone to talk to.

Another thing that I'm struggling with is dealing with all this during the holiday season...UGHH so many happy families doing their happy traditions together. While others are worrying about which Christmas decorations to hang, I'm worried about taking his photos out of the picture frames and putting them into boxes. I have been avoiding this like the plague...I am not strong enough to do that on my own, but I am so ashamed to call and ask someone to come help me. There I said it. I'm completely vulnerable and too proud to ask for help because I dont want to be pitied.

As I sit here typing out my heart, I think these are the first tears I have shed in over a week. I hate being vulnerable and I just want to make it all make sense, but it doesnt. Nothing about this process or this situation makes sense. I can try to speculate as to why he left, but it would do no good. The end result is the same. The human and/or girl part of me wants to jump right back into the arms of a strong, handsome, caring man who loves me for me, and who appreciates me. But the sensible  rational person in me knows that spells disaster. I know I have to take time to let myself grieve, mourn, and heal properly before moving on to another relationship. Logically I know that I am no where near ready for that, but emotionally I just want someone to hold me and tell me that I'm worth fighting for. Is that too much to ask? LOL.

I guess the moral of this story is...I am a mess, covered in a hard candy shell called "Pride". Please indulge me for a while and be the shoulder to cry on when needed. Please dont play with my emotions, or my head right now, because honestly, I dont think I am in a place to make rational decisions. And most importantly...keep praying for me. I need it.

Thankfulness

It's that time of year again...everyone is sharing what they have to be thankful for each day leading up to Thanksgiving. I like this tradition, but I have not been participating in the ritual this year. On the surface, I could wallow in self pity and claim "What do I have to be thankful for, holidays this year suck because of what's transpiring in my life." But I WILL NOT be that person. I have so much to be thankful for and I think its been magnified during this time of trial. So here is my not-so-normal "Thankful" list:

I will start with the "generalizations"

1. Most importantly, I am thankful for my relationship with God my Savior. I seriously would not make it out of bed each morning without the strength and guidance that He gives me. He gives me a reason to keep moving forward. I trust Him wholeheartedly and even though I cant see His plan right now, I know that He is working all things together for my good.

2. My family. Even though my family is far away in NC, and I cant run home and cry to them or laugh with them, I am so thankful for their love and support. I know that no matter how far away I am or how long its been since I have seen or talked to them, that if I need them, they will be there.

3. My extended family/in-laws. This transition has been hard on me and my in-laws/extended/married family. Separation/divorce doesn't happen just to the couple. Its affects everyone. I am so thankful that my in-laws are still supportive of me and still want to be part of my life.

4. My friends. Oh my friends are amazing. I will be the first to admit that I pretty much suck at keeping in touch with friends like I should. I get so caught up in my own life that I forget to check on my friends and be there for them. I have been utterly amazed at the outpouring of love and support that I have received from my friends over this past month. I'm not sure how I could ever make it up to you all, but I will try.

5. My puppies. This little furry three-some is my daily strength. They are wonderful companions, protection, snugglers, and entertainers. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Now for more specific "thankfuls"

1. Cafe Coco talks with Stacey Bailey

2. Hibachi grill night with Sara McAdoo

3. Painting with Debbie Radish and Jane Lovell

4. Soccer with Geddy, Sean, and Mango

5. Greek food dates with Laura, Geddy, Anthony Mills, and Matt

6. Shooting guns with Amanda Weaver and Dad

7. Running the 5K Challenge at TNU with Debbie, Scott and Hailey

8. Dog park dates with Sara and Caroline

9. Book club with my "book club girls"

10. YMCA memberships so I can take kickboxing classes

11. Neighbors like Rustee who take my trash cans back to the house every week while I'm at work, and offer to have coffee and just talk

12. Twilight movie night with Rachel Parker

13. Lunch dates with Pam and Debbie

14. White wine and chick flicks

15. Late night chats via Facebook with Thomas, Brian, and many other friends

16. Late night conversations on the phone with Amanda, Sara, and Caroline

17. Celebrating with friends who are expecting...living vicariously through them :)

18. Waking up and seeing Archie asleep on the pillow next to me

19. Being completely surrounded by puppies in the bed to keep me warm

20. Redecorating the house to fit my "style"

21. Teaching Archie to finally "go to his bed" when its time for me to leave the house!! Victory!

22. Cold nights and warm blankets

23. Anticipation of Black Friday shopping with Kim, Sharon, and Mom

24. Baking pumpkin and banana chocolate chip muffins

25. Relationships with Jason Gillie, and Alan Gillie that span over a decade, and they still treat me like their little sister. 

26. New friendships with people like Stephanie D. from church, and Baja Burrito dates :)

I'm sure this list could go on and on...I will keep adding to it as the days and weeks pass. I am most thankful for all the wonderful, supportive people in my life who love me for me...even through all my flaws. I am thankful for you!!

Forgiveness

I have had a few weeks to reflect/dwell/wallow about this separation and impending divorce and I have to say, I still have days where I fall apart emotionally, but for the most part, I am doing really well with it all. That surprises me, but I have been finding great comfort in the music of WayFM, the book I'm reading for book club called "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore, my amazing group of friends and family, my loving puppies, and constant prayer.

Over the past few weeks, I have decided that I can only control my thoughts, actions and attitude in this whole situation. I cant control Daniel and I dont want to. I dont want to fight for something that is already gone. I want to fight for our marriage, but Daniel doesnt. So I have to accept that and try to move forward.

In a crazy burst of enlightenment this morning driving to work I heard this song and thought...Daniel may have done me the biggest favor of my life. Up until this point, I was surviving life, not living it. I had grown complacent and I stopped being the person that God created me to be. I stopped painting, I stopped hanging out with friends, I had put all of my energy and all of my "worth" into being his wife. I stopped being Starr.

Since he left and I have been in the house alone for almost 2 weeks now, I have started learning to be that person again. I have started hanging out with my friends again, I have started painting again, and I am experiencing all of life...even the terribly hard parts. But I feel again. I am learning that my worth does not lie in being his wife...my worth comes from God and being his bride. I know I'm just beginning this long journey towards healing and renewal, but right now...it feels good and right.

Matthew West - Forgiveness

It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve

It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just to real
It takes everything you have just to say the word...

Forgiveness
Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set It Free'

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Surviving the first few days

Well, its been almost 3 weeks now since Daniel said he wanted out. Its been one week since he actually moved into his new apartment.  It seems like a long time, but so short at the same time. I have been taking things day by day and praying a lot for healing, not only for me, but for Daniel too. Today I came across an article on a website called divorce360.com that really spoke to me. I pulled out a few excerpts from the article, but you can find the whole article here. I hope that by reading these passages, my friends and family will begin to understand how I've been feeling the past few weeks, and will see how they can help me through this process.

"When you first really understand that your spouse wants out of your marriage, it’s like a shocking slap in the face or a punch in the gut …. the kind where you can’t catch your breath and you drop to your knees."  "I kept thinking he would come to his senses. I kept praying for a miracle."

"I was devastated on so many levels I can’t even describe them all. Divorce is not only a very personal, but a very public failure, and I felt like a spiritual failure as well. I wondered, “what influence can I have for good in this life if the man I want most to please doesn’t think I’m worth being married to?”  

"I had always been a strong, confident, independent woman who loved life and all the joys it offered. But at the very beginning of this ordeal and the days immediately following, I was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I wasn’t eating. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all the time. I was a physical, emotional, spiritual wreck."

"Even though I am an optimist and a God follower, I wondered what good could possibly come from the destruction of my marriage. In the beginning of the divorce journey I was so heartbroken I was having a hard time holding myself together."

"One of the things that is difficult about this journey is that you are embarrassed you are doing so poorly. Our culture seems to say divorce is no big deal. Friends tell us to “just get over it … he/she isn’t worth it, or you’ll find someone else.” There are no grief rituals for divorce. Widows or widowers have friends and family gather around, casseroles, sympathy cards, offers to help. Divorcees usually get nothing. People don’t give you the space or the encouragement to grieve as you must. I was a strong, confident woman, and I hated to admit I was doing so poorly."

"I can’t think of any other situation that is such a devastation to who you are as a person. I went from feeling good about myself to feeling like the biggest failure in the universe."

"The rest of your life is up to you. You can stay stuck in a life of bitterness, anger, fear or sadness for the rest of your days, or you can decide to create the most amazing life you can from here on out. You can be as joyful or as miserable as you decide you will be."

This article caught my eye because it explained so simply how I've been feeling. Its hard to put into words the emotions that I've been going through these past 3 weeks. The loneliness is hard. Seeing his stuff missing from the house is heart-wrenching, but pretending that everything is OK, when I'm completely shattered inside is the worst part.  I know that each day that passes brings me one day closer to healing and to a new life, but that doesn't make it easier right now.

As a Christian, I have to hold out hope that God will do a work on Daniel's heart that is beyond my comprehension. I have to believe that there is a reason that we are going through this trial in our lives. I have to believe that God called us to be married for a purpose, and I have to believe the promise from God that He is "working all things together for my good."

Some of my friends and family will not understand why I am holding out hope for reconciliation, and they will bad-mouth Daniel and say how I deserve better, but I still love my husband. I still love the man whom I vowed to love till "death do us part", through "better and worse." Our society takes divorce WAY TO LIGHTLY and makes it acceptable if one person isn't HAPPY. Love is not a feeling...its an action. I will not give up fighting until those divorce papers are signed. And when we both come out of this ordeal on the other side as better, stronger, more faithful people, all the glory will go to God alone.