Sleeping in Prison

Its been exactly one week since my divorce was finalized. The last post I wrote about how I had been feeling restless and anxious. Those feelings didn't subside until after I left the courthouse. For anyone else going through this process, you will come to find out that the actual divorce proceedings in the court are very anti-climactic. It was very cut and dry and no emotion. Afterwards, as we walked back to the cars, trying to make small talk, the realization that it was all over hit me. I held it together as best I could, until the elevator doors shut. It was almost a flood of emotion, relief, exhaustion, freedom. It's honestly hard to explain.

Well, the week that followed was also anti-climactic. I didn't all of sudden feel this huge burden lifted off my shoulders or anything. I went downtown to Nashville Dancin' on Thursday night and hung out with some church friends at the Old Spaghetti Factory. I think this group of strangers that I call "small group" will turn into some amazing friendships this year. The only thing that felt different about that night was the fact that I could look around and check out other guys without feeling guilty. That is a big step.

Fast forward to Saturday...my Freedom Party. I spent the day preparing and getting the house looking good, putting the food and decorations together, and mentally preparing for entertaining my guests. I love to host parties. It was great to spend time with all of my closest friends and just enjoy their presence in my life.

Sunday I was exhausted...but I got up and went to church and boy am I glad. God had a message picked out just for me. We are going through the book of Acts right now and this week's passage was from Acts 12. It was talking about Paul's escape from prison. How appropriate!!

The verses that we focused on were Acts 12: 5-6. "So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him.6The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries stood guard at the entrance."

Pastor Joel spoke about what in our lives are our prisons? What are the things/issues/relationships that we struggle with on a daily basis? And in the midst of those struggles do we trust God enough to REST in the middle of them? Paul was facing execution the next morning and he was asleep in his cell. Why was he not bothered? Why was he not pacing the floor begging God to save him?

What I got from this passage was the fact that Paul trusted God enough, and his faith was strong enough that no matter what situation he found himself in, he didn't have to worry. He knew that God would protect him, and even if he died that next morning, he would be with God in Heaven. What did he have to fear? 

That morning as I sat there in church, surrounded by new friends, and listening to the sermon, all I could do was cry out to God to give me peace. I prayed that He would give me faith strong enough to peacefully sit in the midst of my prison, until the time came for the doors to be flung open. 

The weight has been lifted off of me this week. It sheds little by little each day. And God is already opening up doors for me. I can see the light shining in!! Hold on...this journey is about to get good :)

Restlessness

Today I am feeling restless, anxious, out of control. I've been feeling this way for quite a while, but today it seems intensified. One week from today I will be jumping off that cliff called "Divorce", and I can only trust in God to give me wings.

Today I am dealing with a lot of stress outside of that too, which makes it even more difficult to wrap my head around where my anxiety stems from. Some days are much better than others, today I just feel uneasy about everything. You know that feeling called "restless leg syndrome" where your legs just have to move or you feel like you will go crazy? Well I have "restless life syndrome". I have a problem with being content. I am not content with my place in life at the moment. I'm not secure in my job right now and I have a stressed relationship with my boss...he cant seem to figure out that my name is not "Dawn". I am not secure in my decision to keep my house, or put it on the market this fall...every day that passes a small house sounds more appealing to me (with no roommates). I am definitely not secure in my dating relationships...I have none. The only thing that I am secure in is my relationship with my Savior.

I was sitting at lunch today just staring off into the distance and listening to the birds chirping away and I was praying that God would help me understand my restlessness. I started realizing that I'm more anxious about this court date than I thought. I don't think I'm anxious that I will be upset or be distraught or anything...I've pretty much dealt with all those feelings. I think what I'm most anxious about is the fact that in 7 days, I will be on my own.

I have been using this past 8 months not only to heal from the pain of a broken marriage, but I've been using it as an excuse...I can't talk that cute guy because I'm still technically married...I can't sell the house and move because I have to wait to refinance it when the divorce is settled...I can't change jobs because I need the money because I have a huge mortgage payment (see 2nd point)...I can't do this or that because I'm still married.

Well my excuses are coming to an end and now I have to face the fact that I can make whatever decisions I want to make without having to answer to anyone else! That is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. The possibilities are endless, but then again there is no one to catch me if I fall. I'm restless because I have so many dreams and ambitions, but I don't know where to start. I know this is the beginning of a new journey for me, and I am constantly praying for doors to be flung wide open for me. I trust in God's provision for me because He has never failed me yet.

I am anxious...but it's like a kid getting ready to go to Disney World...I just can't wait to see what my life is going to look like!!