The Pulse of this Funk

I've been in a funk the past couple of weeks. I'm not exactly sure what is going on. I just got back from a wonderful vacation, so maybe its the "back to work blues." Maybe its allergies messing with my head. Maybe its the fact that I haven't laced up my Reeboks in two weeks. Maybe its the stress of planning a wedding that is less than 4 months away. Maybe its thinking and planning when and how to sell my house and starting the process of buying another one. Maybe its a combination of all of those things.

Or

Maybe I'm feeling abandoned.

If I had to put my finger on the pulse of this FUNK...I thinks its beating out a rhythm of

See me
Hear me
Notice me
Return my phone call
Share dinner with me
Let's hang out
I don't want to spend another night watching TV alone
Why wont my friends call me back?!?
Why am I having to plan this wedding alone?

I'm feeling like every one of my friends has more important things or people to focus on and I don't want to be that needy friend that is screaming for attention....so,

I shut up, and I shut down. I crawl into my little hole and wallow.

I recognize this pattern in myself. I recognize the signs and the symptoms and I try to mask them. I try to put on the happy face and smile the fake smiles and I come up with "fun things" that I'm doing this weekend to help hide the hurt.

To hide the lies that I believe.

The lies that say..."don't bother asking those friends to hang out because they are probably already hanging out with their real friends."

I recognize the Devil's voice when I hear it. Its a constant battle to drown out that voice. Its a daily struggle to overpower the noise and replace it with God's voice that whispers

"you are loved beyond measure"
"you are my best friend"
"I will never leave you nor forsake you"
"no one will ever love you as much as I love you"
"your worth is not in how many friends you have"

"I LOVE YOU"

Why is it so hard to focus on the good and lovely things and its so easy to get swept up in the lies and the depression?

Lord help me.

When is enough, enough?

I'm stressed. I'm worn out. I just want to curl up and sleep.

I'm sure that is how my Sophie girl is feeling too. Her mama is struggling with guilt, questions, and trying to weigh some pretty tough options right now. How did she catch kennel cough? How did it progress to Pneumonia so quickly? How did I not notice that something was seriously wrong? Why did I wait so long to take her in? How much is this going to cost? How long do I let her suffer?

This is why I can't sleep. This is why I look like a walking zombie at work. I'm putting on a happy face the best I can. My mind wont stop with the questions. The tears come without warning at the most inappropriate times.

She's just a dog they say...well she's my baby and she's helped me through the most difficult time in my life with unconditional love...why do I not owe her the same?

We are trying one more option with the strongest antibiotics they have. One more last ditch effort. If she doesn't respond well to these then we are taking her home. We will make her comfortable as best we can and spoil her rotten with Pup Treats from Starbucks and snuggles from her brothers.

Please pray for Sophie, but also for Jon and I.