Streams in the Desert

My journey continues on day by day, step by step, through the wilderness called "Divorce". It is a strange, heart-breaking, yet redemptive journey, with God's help of course. Its been right at 7 months since we separated and although it seems like forever, it also went by like the blinking of an eye. I guess time does that as we get older...and hopefully wiser. The past month has brought many new experiences, and many chances for me to escape my comfort zone and take a few more leaps of faith. One of the major leaps has been going through the process of becoming a member of my church. I have been attending Midtown Fellowship for about 10 years off and on...more off than on regretfully. I love this church and its people have surrounded and comforted me through the past several months as the rest of my world seemed to be crumbling. I felt God leading me to take that next step and join the church...one to get involved, but even more so to have a group of people who will keep me accountable...a family.

I wanted to share a story about my journey into membership. One of the last steps to becoming a member of the church is to go to one of the elder's homes and give your testimony among a group of other soon-to-be-members. As an introvert, I was terrified by this. God is teaching me confidence and strength in EVERY area of my life lately. That night, as I sat and listened to the other 7 or so people share, the idea of a "Desert time" in their lives was a recurring theme. I sat there thinking about what my "desert" moment was...and the only time that really kept repeating was my entire 20's. How sad is that?

As I sat and started to share my story I feel like God just gave me the words and the strength to share because I was shaking like crazy. Not many of the people at my church know that I am in the process of a divorce. I didn't feel it necessary to throw that out there to semi-strangers. But that night, I felt it was as good a time as any. As I shared that part of my story, I remember the looks on people's faces, and the almost simultaneous "awww" that inadvertantly escaped their lips. That was what I wanted to avoid. I don't want pity. This journey is a major factor in what has led me to where I am today as a Christian, and this new relationship with my Savior was founded out of utter despair and brokenness. I want my story to be about how God has brought me out of that, and the path that God is leading me on now. This new decade of life has already brought so many new revelations into my life, not only of my strength (that comes from God, not me...I'm as weak as the next gal), but of what I will be known for, and the witness that I will be of God's amazing grace and love.

I will leave with a quote from the book Streams in the Desert:

He leads us on by paths we did not know;

Upward He leads us, though our steps be slow,

Though oft we faint and falter on the way,

Though storms and darkness oft obscure the day;

Yet when the clouds are gone,

We know He leads us on. 

My Life is a Dirty Carpet

I was shampooing the carpets in my basement bedroom last night and as I sat there methodically pushing and pulling that steam cleaner across the floor, listening to the roar of the engine, I found myself thinking a lot. It took me a good hour and a half to finish the floor, and during that time I started comparing my dirty floor to my life. Let me explain…

I bought this house a few months back and on the surface, the basement carpet looked in really good condition for the age of the house. No stains, no foul smells, and the fibers were still fluffy and vibrant. I moved in and started living my life on this carpet and that’s when it all started to change. One by one the stains came…dogs, muddy boots, and paint. I try to cover them up with rugs; try to scrub them out with stain removers. Then on top of the stains, there starts to be this unmistakable odor that permeates through the room. I buy more air fresheners; I light candles to mask the smell. But in the back of my mind, I always know there is something wrong with the carpet…it’s not fresh and vibrant anymore. I try to ignore it…I close the bedroom door so none of my guests know the hidden secret that lies in the basement. I consider the costs of replacing the carpet all together and starting with a clean slate. But ultimately, I resort to the hard work of cleaning the carpet. 

I borrow the steam cleaner, I buy the formula, and I read the instructions so I don’t miss a step. I move all the furniture, I vacuum the carpet first. I begin this long, laborious task and slowly I start to feel good about the results. After the first few passes of the cleaner, there isn’t much change. The stains are still there, the odors still smell. But after a while, I start to notice the color of the water. It’s gross. The cleaner is doing its job and the dirt and grime is starting to be cleaned away. After about half of the room is completed, I realized just how dirty the carpet really was. There was stuff being removed that I never knew was there. There were stains that were not even visible to the naked eye that were being washed away. And the best part…the room was starting to smell clean. 

I was feeling very accomplished by the time I was finishing up the room. Then a thought hit me…I can’t keep the carpet this clean forever. As soon as I step foot on it, it will start getting dirty again. The dogs are going to come back down here and they are going to make messes on my clean carpet. I was starting to get anxious, when I remembered that I can always clean it again. There is nothing that life can throw at me, no amount of piss or mud that the CLEANER can’t remove. I know it seems kinda cheesy, but this metaphor brought me comfort last night.

My New Normal

In the midst of tragedy, it's hard to feel like life will ever be normal again. No matter what the tragedy is, big or small. Well, I don't think I will ever have a "normal" life, but things are starting to fall into place for me again. I'm having to figure out what my new life is going to look like, and the fun part is...I get to choose!!

It's such a simple concept, but I am learning to set boundaries and that includes figuring out which people and which influences I will allow into my new life. I get to choose how I spend my days, what I do with my nights, and what attitude I will have through it all.

Lately, my new normal has included a very rigid routine (because that's what I like). I like my life to be organized and controlled...and since I can't control much, I try to keep to routines. My evenings lately have been spent walking the dogs around the neighborhood, meeting new neighbors, being chased by neighborhood dogs while jogging, cooking dinner, going to the gym, watching tv, cooking, listening to music, crafting/decorating the house and crocheting (for the many many baby showers that I've been invited to).

I am really starting to love my new life. I love my house and my neighborhood. I love that I'm learning to step out of my comfort zone to meet new people, to open up to people about my struggles, and to be vulnerable again.

I'm really excited to see what this Spring and Summer will look like. I know it will involve a lot of yard work, UUGGGHH, but I may learn to love it. I am eagerly anticipating the warm nights spent on my back deck, or in my hammock, watching the many colorful birds that live in my backyard. I envision nights on the porch of Cafe Coco with my best friend (before she moves away), and many weekends spent with my 3 pups at the dog parks. I look forward to Wednesday nights playing soccer in Mboro and the many free outdoor concerts downtown Nashville.

Spring symbolizes new life and I am so looking forward to embracing my new life this year. Its definitely not how I envisioned my life to be at this point, but I have so much to be thankful for!! I am blessed to be a blessing.

Journey of Faith

I know its been a few months since my last update. Life has been wonderfully crazy and that is just how I like it. For those of you who have been following my blog and my journey over the past 6 months, you know that God has been working on my heart in amazing ways. For those of you new to my story, I hope you see Jesus in me and I hope you see the ways in which He is being glorified through all the steps I have been taking on this journey of faith.

And its just that...a journey of faith. I always considered myself a Christian and I always, in true Nazarene form, tried to make sure I kept a holy "looking" lifestyle, although on the inside I was filled with guilt and shame. I knew I was a sinner and didn't deserve God's grace because I was never a "good enough" Christian. I judged people for their lifestyles, I didn't read my Bible, I didn't pray, I made excuses to not go to church, but deep down I still believed the promises of God were true.

Well, about past 6 months ago, my whole world and identity as I knew it came crashing down around me. If you don't know that story, just read back in my blog. I feel that since October of 2012 that I have been on a journey to rediscover who I am, who God is, and what that means for me. I am relating really well with Lot the past few months, especially the end of 2012 when all things seemed like a lost cause and I wanted to find a hole to crawl into. I feel like God has been using this awful situation to draw me closer to Him and to reveal himself to me in ways that are new and exciting. I feel that I had to come to a point where all the idols in my life had to be stripped away before I could truly see God. That process has been the most painful one I have ever gone through and I would never wish that on anyone.

But there is hope. Looking back over the past 6 months to the person I was in October, I can barely recognize that girl anymore. I have taken more leaps of faith this year than I have in the past 5 years combined. I am stepping out of my comfort zone to to step into the life God has called me to, as scary as it is. I have started attending the membership classes at my church and I have signed up to become part of a small group. Last night was the first night of the small group intensive and I sat there half full of fear and half full of excitement for the future. Its the first time in a while that I have felt like this is exactly where God wants me to be. I have no idea what kind of group that I will become part of, but I trust that God will place people into my life that will help me to dig out and sort through all of my issues and my questions, and my insecurities. I also trust that God will put people into my life that I can minister to as well.

I left the church last night and I had this strange sensation that I was standing on the edge of a cliff, looking around, but I wasn't scared. Then I had a dream last night that I was hang-gliding and just letting the wind take me where ever it chose to go. I was not in control, and it was so incredibly freeing!!

My only hope for this journey is that I can look back on this time in my life and I can honestly say that I have no regrets, and that I trusted God completely. I pray that my journey can be a blessing to someone out there and that I can be an example of God's grace and provision through even the most awful of situations.

I am so excited to see what tomorrow brings!!

Ruthless Redemption- Part 3

This past Sunday was the last installment of the Ruthless Redemption Series on the book of Ruth by Russ Ramsey. I have to say, this has been one of my favorite sermon series, because it has been so relevant to me. This week focused on the 4th chapter of Ruth and the concepts of Desire and Expectation. The questions that Russ asked were "What are you willing  to let your heart desire?" and "How do you manage pain and expectations?"

This one hit close to home for me this week. Almost my entire life I have lived by the motto of "I'll believe it when I see it" and "Don't get your hopes up." I know that sounds sad, but coming from an alcoholic home, I have seen too many hopes and desires get shattered. I used that as a defense mechanism to keep my heart from getting hurt. It didn't work most of the time, which in turn just made me lower my expectations of people.

This sermon made me dive into those emotions and defenses and really examine them. It made me question how I deal with pain now and how I deal with life when expectations get shattered.

Russ offered two ways to deal with our pain that came from two blessings that were given in the book of Ruth:

1. Depend on God to step in and miraculously intervene in the middle of the pain.  God knows the hurt we face, and He can heal our hearts if we depend on Him and allow him to step into that pain with us.

2. Deal honestly with our pain by seeing it through the lens of loss that you experienced, not denying our hiding it from yourself or the world. You don't have to pretend that you have it all figured out or that you didn't suffer the loss, or the hurt of failed expectations. You just have to deal with it and honestly seek healing.

This sermon couldn't have come at a better time for me. It was delivered on my 30th birthday; a day filled with failed expectations on my part, and the pain of spending this momentous milestone birthday alone. It is so comforting to know that I am never alone with God, and He is the only one that can love my heart completely. He is awakening new desires in me that I have buried for so long, and I am starting to recognize the desires to love and be loved again. It is wonderfully painful because I am a beautiful mess.

Ruthless Redemption- Part 2

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that my church is going through the book of Ruth for the month of January. Well this week Russ preached from Ruth 3 and told the story of Boaz redeeming Ruth as her "kinsman redeemer." I wont try to summarize Russ' message because I would not do it justice, but there were some key points that stood out to me and weaved the message of Redemption into my heart; a message that would continue to echo throughout the day. Again, God has a way of repeating himself to me so that I don't miss the message.

Russ asked us the question, "What do we do when we ask God for something and he says, Not Now?" That question resonated with me because I feel like that's what is happening in my life. I'm even at a point where I feel like God is saying NO to my prayers.

Russ went on to explain the idea of a redeemer in the days of Ruth and what that means. A redeemer was a man who would have the option to take a woman as his wife if her husband were to die or leave. The redeemer would be a relative of the husband and would have the OPTION to marry her and take her in to protect her. He was not forced by law to do this. He would only do it if he WANTED to because it was 1. expensive/costly, 2. permanent. Someone would not go into this situation lightly, and so the act of redeeming someone showed just how much they loved or cared for that woman. 

Russ then went on to compare Boaz to God and related how God is our Redeemer. God doesn't have to save us, he chooses to, all because he loves us.

 I left the church feeling renewed and loved by God in a way that I can't really explain. All I  knew was I had been chosen by God to be loved and cared for, and no one could take that away from me.

Later in the day I went to see the movie Le Mis with Margaret from my DC class. I have to confess that I didn't know the story and really didn't know what to expect. I was blown away by this movie. The movie is a wonderful story of forgiveness, love and REDEMPTION! God was speaking to me again as I sat in that theater. He was reminding me again that he chose me and he loves me. He will protect my heart through all these trials. 

The last little reminder came through music...my favorite form of messages from God. As I left the theater, this song by Big Daddy Weave came on the radio called "Redeemed." Take a listen and I hope you are blessed by it as well.

Ruthless Redemption

Today was an emotional day, but a redemptive day also. After yesterday not having the energy to even get out of my pj's, I decided I had to get out of the house today. I did miss the 9:00 service, so I went to the 11:00 one. I think it was God-designed, because I ended up seeing a great friend there that I wouldn't have seen if I went to the early service. I got to church a bit early and decided to sit in the car and read my book, Flying Solo, until time for church to start. I really didn't want to walk into the church too early because I was feeling really insecure and didn't want to draw any more attention to myself than necessary. I know that may sound crazy, but that's where I was this morning. Don't judge.

I went in and found a seat and ended up introducing myself to a few people sitting near me. It was the first Sunday of the month, and the year for that matter, which means Communion. I LOVE communion Sundays but I know that I am always an emotional wreck at the end of those services. Today was no different. God knew where my heart was this morning and I could feel His sweet spirit with me from the moment I stepped foot in the door. Every song spoke directly to my heart, especially this one:

Then Russ came up and started telling us about our next sermon series for January and I knew the message was a gift to me from God. We are going through the book of Ruth in the month of January, a chapter per week. As soon as he mentioned Ruth's name I was taken back to my dating days in college and the time I read "A Lady in Waiting". It made me realize that I should probably pick that book back up again. Some of the topics that Russ talked about this morning really spoke to me, and I spent the whole sermon trying to fight back the tears. God is so good.

Russ said that God is already working out your story for 2013 and you don't even know it yet. That gave me encouragement, because where I am at right now, it can only get better. I'm excited to see what my story will be this year.

He also said that God is involved in the details of your life, working all of it together for your good. He is working in more ways than you even know. God is in the middle of your healing process.

The story of Ruth is about two widows and their walk through suffering. I find myself walking right next to them and I was so excited when I heard that this is how we were starting the year. What a wonderful message from God this morning to me. I had just read in my book that morning that its so amazing that God is the husband to the husbandless. That was reiterated this morning in the sermon. I love how God repeats himself to me because he knows that I usually need to hear it multiple times to really understand it and apply it to my life.

After church I went and spoke to my friend "A" and she was amazing and listened to me and challenged me and prayed over me. I miss her so much, and I needed her this morning. Needless to say I was a MESS when I left the church. Its awesome to know that I can be a mess and no one will judge me for that in my church. God is so present in my life right now and its wonderful. Every tear I cry is one step closer to redemption and a new life. Praise the Lord that this is not the end of my story. To God be the glory.

"Despair is for people who know, beyond any doubt what the future is going to bring. Nobody is in that position. So depair is not only a kind of sin theologically, but also a simple mistake, because nobody actually knows. In that sense, there is hope."  ~Patrick Curry