The Pulse of this Funk

I've been in a funk the past couple of weeks. I'm not exactly sure what is going on. I just got back from a wonderful vacation, so maybe its the "back to work blues." Maybe its allergies messing with my head. Maybe its the fact that I haven't laced up my Reeboks in two weeks. Maybe its the stress of planning a wedding that is less than 4 months away. Maybe its thinking and planning when and how to sell my house and starting the process of buying another one. Maybe its a combination of all of those things.

Or

Maybe I'm feeling abandoned.

If I had to put my finger on the pulse of this FUNK...I thinks its beating out a rhythm of

See me
Hear me
Notice me
Return my phone call
Share dinner with me
Let's hang out
I don't want to spend another night watching TV alone
Why wont my friends call me back?!?
Why am I having to plan this wedding alone?

I'm feeling like every one of my friends has more important things or people to focus on and I don't want to be that needy friend that is screaming for attention....so,

I shut up, and I shut down. I crawl into my little hole and wallow.

I recognize this pattern in myself. I recognize the signs and the symptoms and I try to mask them. I try to put on the happy face and smile the fake smiles and I come up with "fun things" that I'm doing this weekend to help hide the hurt.

To hide the lies that I believe.

The lies that say..."don't bother asking those friends to hang out because they are probably already hanging out with their real friends."

I recognize the Devil's voice when I hear it. Its a constant battle to drown out that voice. Its a daily struggle to overpower the noise and replace it with God's voice that whispers

"you are loved beyond measure"
"you are my best friend"
"I will never leave you nor forsake you"
"no one will ever love you as much as I love you"
"your worth is not in how many friends you have"

"I LOVE YOU"

Why is it so hard to focus on the good and lovely things and its so easy to get swept up in the lies and the depression?

Lord help me.

When is enough, enough?

I'm stressed. I'm worn out. I just want to curl up and sleep.

I'm sure that is how my Sophie girl is feeling too. Her mama is struggling with guilt, questions, and trying to weigh some pretty tough options right now. How did she catch kennel cough? How did it progress to Pneumonia so quickly? How did I not notice that something was seriously wrong? Why did I wait so long to take her in? How much is this going to cost? How long do I let her suffer?

This is why I can't sleep. This is why I look like a walking zombie at work. I'm putting on a happy face the best I can. My mind wont stop with the questions. The tears come without warning at the most inappropriate times.

She's just a dog they say...well she's my baby and she's helped me through the most difficult time in my life with unconditional love...why do I not owe her the same?

We are trying one more option with the strongest antibiotics they have. One more last ditch effort. If she doesn't respond well to these then we are taking her home. We will make her comfortable as best we can and spoil her rotten with Pup Treats from Starbucks and snuggles from her brothers.

Please pray for Sophie, but also for Jon and I.

People Like Me

"People Like Me" Mikeschair(feat. Matthew West)

What if I told you 

What would you say 

Would you stand by me 

Would you walk away 

What if my walls came down 

And you saw everything 

All of my weakness 

All of my scars 

All that I’ve hidden 

Deep in my heart 

For so long 

And I’m scared to set it free 

Show me a life that’s broken 

Can be redeemed 

Show me that you can handle my honesty 

And help me to know 

You’ll never let go 

Your love won’t ever leave 

Show me that grace was made 

For people like me

I confess...I am a tender-heart, and I cry at sappy commercials. I am a hopeless romantic, but life has made me a cynic. Each day that passes brings me one step closer to a heart that is tender again; the walls are coming down, and I'm allowing myself to dream again. I dream of what my life will be like a few years from now. I am allowing myself to dream about a new husband, a family to call my own, little red-headed nuggets running around my house being chased and licked by three crazy doxies. I dream. 

What does that dream look like? Well its not the super sappy ROM-COM plots that I love so much. Its not the mushy love letters that spew forth sap that I once dreamt of (but I wont turn my nose up to those FYI). My dream looks a little more realistic these days. 

My dream looks like long car rides from St. Louis talking about careers, fears, aspirations in life. My dream looks like sitting on the back porch with a glass of white wine, listening to 90's music, playing "Name that Band", or listening to swing music and dancing in the candlelight on a hot summer night while the dogs stare on in utter confusion. My dream looks like afternoon naps on the couch, with a man who actually asks for the dogs to pile on top of him under the blankets. My dream looks like shopping trips to Whole Foods, on a $6 budget to see who comes up with the best treat. My dream looks like night-time dog walks and fist bumps at the gym for pressing more weight than last time. My dream looks like baseball hats, blue eyes and a red beard :)

See, I'm still a hopeless romantic. 

I'm in Better Hands Now

So anyone who has grown up in the south has probably heard the term "Catch the Blessing", or a similar version. This means that someone has been overwhelmed by God or incredibly blessed in a way that makes them cry, run the aisles of the church, shout, or get goose-bumps. Well, there have been times in my life that I've gotten the chills or I've started crying in church or been overwhelmed...but I don't know if I've ever "caught the blessing", UNTIL NOW! Last Sunday, after an amazing morning at church with great friends, and hearing some of my favorite worship songs, I left the church humming and singing. It was a beautiful sunny Sunday, warm and barely a cloud in the sky. I had planned to drive down to Smyrna to meet Jon for the day, and I decided to go a little early to do some shopping before I met him. I was driving down I-24, doing about 80, my normal speed, and listening to the radio. I had the sunroof open on my car and the music loud to cover the noise of the wind. It was blissful. I was listening to WAY-FM because I was still in a mood of worship. Two songs that I love had just played and then the familiar tune of a song from way back came on. A huge smile crossed my face and I turned it up louder and began to sing along to the familiar song. At that moment I felt a peace wash over me that is indescribable. I felt all was right in the world and I was protected. I felt that I was surrounded physically in love and I'm sure for those who have never experienced it, I sound like a crazy woman. The second verse started and without warning I just burst into tears. I couldn't sing, I was almost sobbing driving down the road. I know what you are thinking...Mood swings...but NO!! I caught the blessing!! It was incredible. God is so real and so present in my life lately, and that was his way of confirming his love to me...through song, on the interstate, alone in my car. I tried to explain it to Jon when I saw him...but I think he was thinking I was crazy too. One day he will understand :) Well this morning, the song popped into my head from out of the clear blue as I was dealing with some stressful thoughts. I just smiled and thanked God for reminding me of his love and the truth, that "I'm in Better Hands Now." Please enjoy... )

Fifty Days Underground

A few weeks back a college friend posted on her Facebook page that she had a friend starting a project called "50 Days Underground". In essence this friend of hers was going to spend 50 days in the subway system in NYC singing original songs that she was inspired to write by people who submitted stories of love, faith, etc.

Well I took a chance and sent this stranger my story from the past year and I received an email this morning with a video attached. I am so humbled and blessed to have been chosen for one of her songs. I'm so glad that my story of how God has blessed me this year is now going to touch so many other people.

Hope you enjoy...

http://fiftydaysunderground.com/#/day7/

Day 7: You Carry Me Home from Kelly Bazely on Vimeo.

The Greatest Man I Barely Knew

Waiting is the hardest. I’ve never been very good at waiting, or being patient for that matter. But alas, I’m waiting, I’m anticipating; but this is not just another day. Today I’m awaiting a phone call from my mother to tell me that my grandfather has gone to be with Jesus. We are all waiting. There is nothing left to do but say goodbye and make our peace.

Its times like these when it’s very difficult to live so far from family. I want to be there to say goodbye with the rest of my family. I have made my peace though, so for that I’m thankful. I said goodbye at Christmas. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do…walk out of that house knowing that I would never see him this side of glory again. I don’t think I’m in denial; I know what is happening. I just don’t want to see him suffer. Dying is a hard process and I would be lying if I said that I haven’t had a couple of intense conversations with God about why he has to suffer like this. Some things I may never fully understand.

This I do know…I am going to miss his terribly. Life will never be the same. I’ve been thinking about him a lot the past couple of days because I know his time is drawing short. I can’t help but try to remember all the good times we shared and the reasons why he means so much to me.

Carey L. Foster will always be a mystery to me. He was a man of very few words, but when he did speak, he spoke pure wisdom. At least that is how I saw it, but I was biased. The man that the world knew as Carey…or C.L. Foster, was the man I knew as “Granddaddy”. I knew him as the only man to never hurt me. I knew him as the leader of our little dysfunctional family. I knew him as the strong hands that held my Grandmother’s hand. I knew him as the loud, strong, voice that prayed the closing prayers at our church every Sunday. I knew him as the man that encouraged me to go to Trevecca for school and spread my wings in a new city (his Alma Mater). I knew him as the man that loved dessert more than dinner. I knew him as the man who let me have the tall seat at Christmas because I as the youngest (and I was spoiled). I knew him as the man that encouraged me to go explore his attic (aka…museum) every time I came to his house. I knew him as the man who always encouraged me to follow my dreams and never give up. I knew him as the man who introduced me to my Savior. He is my hero.

He used to sing to me…”Star Light, Star bright, first Star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might…” It still makes me smile to think about it. And I giggle when I recall the last conversation I had with him about a year ago, before the Parkinson’s took over. We were sitting at the kitchen island, and he was eating breakfast. I was home visiting from TN and I asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee. He looked at me and just simply said…”No, I’m a Christian.” I burst out laughing. It’s that deadpan sense of humor that I will miss the most.

“When you feel the sun caress your cheek, you will know he is there.
When you hear the wind in the trees, you will know he is there.
When you see the light dance across the water, you will know he is there.
When the clouds of life surround you, fear not as he will be the ray of sun that breaks through the darkness when you need it most.
There will be days when a moment, a song or a fragrance in the air, and you will hear his voice…the voice that says I love you!” 
― Rodger Halston

Updates on my 30 for 30 resolutions...

Another year has come to an end and the book called 2013 has been closed. Its only natural to look back at the past year and reflect on the things that have been accomplished, the goals met, and the things left undone. It has been a while since I have looked back on my 30 for 30 resolutions list for 2013; so here is my final analysis for the year...

http://perryplayground.blogspot.com/2013/01/30-resolutions-for-my-30th.html

1. I stepped out of my comfort zone this year and joined a small group at my church, as well as became a member of Midtown 12 South. It has been one of the biggest blessings of my life to get involved in such a great church and an amazing group of people. They have become such a great support for me and wonderful friends over the past 6 months.

2. I never actually went skiing, but I did go to a ski slope in Gatlinburg and went tubing with Sara McAdoo over Valentines Day weekend.

3. I didn't get my celtic star tattoo on my hip, but I did get a tattoo of a star on my foot.

4. I did get adjusted regularly by Dr. Dedmon, my amazing chiropractor. I can't stress enough how much I enjoy going to the chiropractor!!

5. I almost achieved my running goal... I ran 10 5Ks this year; I only missed October and December. I stayed pretty steady the whole year with my time, but I enjoyed the journey of learning to run.

6. I only painted a few paintings this year, but all of them were displayed in Two Tone Art Gallery in Murfreesboro, TN.

7. I don't think I will be finished remodeling my house for many years, but I did make progress. My bathroom is finally usable and my list for next year is growing everyday :)

8. I started a bunch of books this year, but only finished a few: Boundaries, Flying Solo, The Shining, Toxic Relationships, Divergent, Jesus The King, The Little Princess. The Hunger Games Trilogy.

9. I didn't get to vacation in an exotic place, but Oak Island, NC was an amazing trip this year. I also went to Tunica, MS :) I know its not exotic either. Oh, and lets not forget Chattanooga...my favorite vacation this year, as well as two trips to Fancy Gap, VA to my Grandmother's cabin.

10. I didn't pay off my car, but I should have it paid off by March :) I did pay off my credit card though.

11. Still never watched Gone with the Wind...although I started reading the book (didn't finish that either).

12. I think I did pretty good at staying connected and engaged in my friend's lives. I don't think I could have made it through the year without the support of my divorce care girls, Sara Wilson, Laura Voltz, Stacey Bailey, Eli Hamilton, all of my small group and most recently, Jon Van Hoff :)

13. I didn't have a regular girl's night, but I did attend a few different girl's nights with Sarah and the Woodycrest girls, as well as a monthly dinner with my DC girls.

14. I definitely spoiled my dogs absolutely rotten. CHECK!

15. I don't know how "awesome" my roommates are, but I did find two roommates this year, and we get along "ok". We haven't killed each other yet, so that's good right? LOL.

16. I did complete my divorce care classes and I feel like I did come out of it a more healed, secure person. This class was an amazing blessing in my life.

17. Didn't go sky-diving...still on my list.

18. I went to the shooting range with Margaret in April and I absolutely loved it. I also went to the turkey shoot with my dad a couple of times this year.

19. I didn't get my concealed weapons permit this year...still on my list.

20. I think I can say I did go to at least 5 concerts this year. I enjoyed a few great shows at the Ryman this fall, as well as many smaller shows by friends at local venues.

21. I think I did pretty good at not letting anyone define me as a person besides God.

22. I did get to go to both a Predator's game as well as a Titan's game this year.

23. I did not get to see Duke Men's Basketball play in person :(

24. I DID get kissed by a hot stranger, but he's not a stranger anymore! He's my boyfriend ;)

25. I did excel in my job, although I did get laid off in the summer, but then I was blessed to get an amazing job at Nissan!! What a blessing.

26. I think you would have to ask my family if I was an awesome daughter, sister, aunt, and cousin this year, but I think I did pretty good.

27. I added a few Nashville landmarks to my list this year, although there are still SO MANY things I still need to experience here.

28. I never did ride bikes downtown on a date...still on my list.

29. I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone this year...still baby-stepping everyday.

30. I tried really hard to be a blessing to at least one person each day...this one is still on my list too :P

So, overall, I think I can count 2013 as a successful year. It was definitely a difficult one with the divorce and starting to find myself again; but it held so many blessings as well. New friends, awesome vacations, a new job, refinancing my house, a new boyfriend, and a renewed relationship with my God. So long 2013...A new year awaits :)