Behold the Lamb of God

Last night I had one of the best musical experiences that I have witnessed in Nashville so far. I was invited to go see "Behold the Lamb of God" by Andrew Peterson at the historic Ryman Auditorium. I was invited by Caroline to go see the show, along with some friends from church. This was the 13th year that Andrew had put on this Christmas show and this was Caroline's 3rd time seeing it. Andrew Peterson goes to my church and I have heard for many years what an awesome show it is, but have never been until this year. I really didn't know what to expect, but I was looking forward to a great night of worship and who doesn't love going to the Ryman?

I was not prepared for what I saw there. I was introduced to so many new Christian artists last night and I'm sure I will have a few new favorite albums to purchase. Here are a few of my favorite performers from last night...these songs are not the ones they performed in the show, but they show their talent.

Matthew Perryman Jones was probably my favorite of the night.

Jill Phillips and Andy Gullahorn

And of course Andrew Peterson himself. 

Not only did I get introduced to a whole slew of new musicians last night, I was met by God there. I was in awe of his presence there last night. One of the most amazing parts of the night was when the whole audience sang "It is Well With My Soul" in unison. Gives me chills just thinking about it. It's nights like last night that make me absolutely love living in Nashville. There is no city like it and I am very blessed to call it home.

Wonderful as Horrible Can Be

I started reading a book this week called "Flying Solo" after it was recommended at my DC class. This book is a lady's journal through her first year after divorce. She is from Franklin, TN which is right down the road from me and so far this book is amazing. There are so many passages that I can relate to even though I'm not technically divorced.

"There are moments in this journey when You (God) are enough. There are moments when I feel You covering me, holding me and loving me. And then there are moments when I need that love to come to me through real arms, audible words and a human touch. And in those moments I have found You just as present and just as healing. I don't think it is weakness; I choose to see it as humanness. Humanness that You made and that You love. But even if it is weakness, the beauty is that right smack dab in the middle of it, I'm going to find Your strength."

"There have been moments in this journey when I've felt guilty for how sweetly You have loved me and moved on my behalf. But when I remember that I have been buried for so long, as if being fertilized, I realize that this is simply a season of all that was percolating underground finally coming to the surface. I didn't wake up today and find You moving this way. I have been pressing hard into You for years, desperate for You because of the pain of where I was. What has kept me close? I have simply surmised that I have never retreated. Even in those seasons when Your silence was deafening and in those seasons when I couldn't understand what seemed like Your lack of movement, when all I wanted to do was run, I stayed. I'm not perfect. I'm just stubborn."

 "I'm also having to learn the difference between healthy distractions and simply distracting myself from my pain. I am confronting the loneliness. The other side of the bed still holds an element of coldness, even though I have gone to sleeping in the middle of it. Most of my dinners are in front of the television now, but we had gotten to that point anyway. And I'm learning that talking out loud to You and engaging You in conversation is really enjoyable. You're enjoyable, do You know that? Crazy, I know. You know everything. But I enjoy You...and if You'll hang in there with me, I'm confident this is going to turn into a beautiful mess. I can only describe this as "wonderful as horrible can be."

I'm (not) OK

I have a ton of different things running through my mind tonight so I'm just going to start typing and see what happens. I dont think I would be able to sleep if I dont get it out, so be warned...this may be a random assortment of thoughts and ideas...

I started going to my Divorce Care classes tonight. Its a 13 week program held at Christ Church that helps people like me who are going through separation or divorce. Just typing that sentence was so difficult on my pride. I still dont want to carry that stigma. Anyways, as I sat there and listened to the stories of these other 6 ladies from all backgrounds, ages, lengths of marriage, and number of children, I realized that I'm not ok with this...not OK at all. Let me explain...

I have put on a tough exterior lately and I have been telling everyone, and myself for that matter, that everything is ok. "I'm actually doing better than expected", and "Its really not that bad" have been my mantras for about a month. On the surface, I am doing pretty good. I mean I'm not laid up on the couch crying my eyes out and not eating like I was at first. I enjoy being by myself in this house with the dogs most of the time, and I am functioning in the world. But tonight, as I sat there in that room drinking coffee and eating chocolate, I realized that I'm not ok. Deep down, below the surface of the proud exterior I have perfected, I am a mess. I am broken. I am mourning. I am mourning the death of my marriage. I had such high expectations for our life together. I am mourning the fact that I wont have children any time soon. I am mourning the fact that my best friend just decided I wasnt worth the fight anymore and took the cowards way out. Sorry, but that's the truth. I am angry. I am hurt. I want to sooth the pain anyway I know how, and that includes drinking Woodchuck, watching sappy chick flicks, talking to my friends about my issues, not talking about my issues with other friends, and generally ignoring my feelings.

It seems everyone just expects me to be "OK" so quickly, and to move on with my life seemingly as quickly as it all ended. I dont know how to do that. I think that is an unfair expectation. I know everyone means well and they want me to be happy, but I need to feel the feelings and deal with them, not stuff them in a box called "normal" and "adjusted".

One thing that I am struggling with is having friends that understand what I'm going through. None of my close friends have ever had to deal with divorce, and so their "counsel" is limited. I still appreciate all the advice and the prayers, but its hard to really know how I'm feeling. I am also struggling with the thought that I am a burden on my friends. I know how draining it is to have a friend dealing with emotional issues and to always be that support. For me though, I am extremely lonely, so that means I may email you or text you out of the blue just to have someone to talk to.

Another thing that I'm struggling with is dealing with all this during the holiday season...UGHH so many happy families doing their happy traditions together. While others are worrying about which Christmas decorations to hang, I'm worried about taking his photos out of the picture frames and putting them into boxes. I have been avoiding this like the plague...I am not strong enough to do that on my own, but I am so ashamed to call and ask someone to come help me. There I said it. I'm completely vulnerable and too proud to ask for help because I dont want to be pitied.

As I sit here typing out my heart, I think these are the first tears I have shed in over a week. I hate being vulnerable and I just want to make it all make sense, but it doesnt. Nothing about this process or this situation makes sense. I can try to speculate as to why he left, but it would do no good. The end result is the same. The human and/or girl part of me wants to jump right back into the arms of a strong, handsome, caring man who loves me for me, and who appreciates me. But the sensible  rational person in me knows that spells disaster. I know I have to take time to let myself grieve, mourn, and heal properly before moving on to another relationship. Logically I know that I am no where near ready for that, but emotionally I just want someone to hold me and tell me that I'm worth fighting for. Is that too much to ask? LOL.

I guess the moral of this story is...I am a mess, covered in a hard candy shell called "Pride". Please indulge me for a while and be the shoulder to cry on when needed. Please dont play with my emotions, or my head right now, because honestly, I dont think I am in a place to make rational decisions. And most importantly...keep praying for me. I need it.

Thankfulness

It's that time of year again...everyone is sharing what they have to be thankful for each day leading up to Thanksgiving. I like this tradition, but I have not been participating in the ritual this year. On the surface, I could wallow in self pity and claim "What do I have to be thankful for, holidays this year suck because of what's transpiring in my life." But I WILL NOT be that person. I have so much to be thankful for and I think its been magnified during this time of trial. So here is my not-so-normal "Thankful" list:

I will start with the "generalizations"

1. Most importantly, I am thankful for my relationship with God my Savior. I seriously would not make it out of bed each morning without the strength and guidance that He gives me. He gives me a reason to keep moving forward. I trust Him wholeheartedly and even though I cant see His plan right now, I know that He is working all things together for my good.

2. My family. Even though my family is far away in NC, and I cant run home and cry to them or laugh with them, I am so thankful for their love and support. I know that no matter how far away I am or how long its been since I have seen or talked to them, that if I need them, they will be there.

3. My extended family/in-laws. This transition has been hard on me and my in-laws/extended/married family. Separation/divorce doesn't happen just to the couple. Its affects everyone. I am so thankful that my in-laws are still supportive of me and still want to be part of my life.

4. My friends. Oh my friends are amazing. I will be the first to admit that I pretty much suck at keeping in touch with friends like I should. I get so caught up in my own life that I forget to check on my friends and be there for them. I have been utterly amazed at the outpouring of love and support that I have received from my friends over this past month. I'm not sure how I could ever make it up to you all, but I will try.

5. My puppies. This little furry three-some is my daily strength. They are wonderful companions, protection, snugglers, and entertainers. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Now for more specific "thankfuls"

1. Cafe Coco talks with Stacey Bailey

2. Hibachi grill night with Sara McAdoo

3. Painting with Debbie Radish and Jane Lovell

4. Soccer with Geddy, Sean, and Mango

5. Greek food dates with Laura, Geddy, Anthony Mills, and Matt

6. Shooting guns with Amanda Weaver and Dad

7. Running the 5K Challenge at TNU with Debbie, Scott and Hailey

8. Dog park dates with Sara and Caroline

9. Book club with my "book club girls"

10. YMCA memberships so I can take kickboxing classes

11. Neighbors like Rustee who take my trash cans back to the house every week while I'm at work, and offer to have coffee and just talk

12. Twilight movie night with Rachel Parker

13. Lunch dates with Pam and Debbie

14. White wine and chick flicks

15. Late night chats via Facebook with Thomas, Brian, and many other friends

16. Late night conversations on the phone with Amanda, Sara, and Caroline

17. Celebrating with friends who are expecting...living vicariously through them :)

18. Waking up and seeing Archie asleep on the pillow next to me

19. Being completely surrounded by puppies in the bed to keep me warm

20. Redecorating the house to fit my "style"

21. Teaching Archie to finally "go to his bed" when its time for me to leave the house!! Victory!

22. Cold nights and warm blankets

23. Anticipation of Black Friday shopping with Kim, Sharon, and Mom

24. Baking pumpkin and banana chocolate chip muffins

25. Relationships with Jason Gillie, and Alan Gillie that span over a decade, and they still treat me like their little sister. 

26. New friendships with people like Stephanie D. from church, and Baja Burrito dates :)

I'm sure this list could go on and on...I will keep adding to it as the days and weeks pass. I am most thankful for all the wonderful, supportive people in my life who love me for me...even through all my flaws. I am thankful for you!!

Forgiveness

I have had a few weeks to reflect/dwell/wallow about this separation and impending divorce and I have to say, I still have days where I fall apart emotionally, but for the most part, I am doing really well with it all. That surprises me, but I have been finding great comfort in the music of WayFM, the book I'm reading for book club called "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore, my amazing group of friends and family, my loving puppies, and constant prayer.

Over the past few weeks, I have decided that I can only control my thoughts, actions and attitude in this whole situation. I cant control Daniel and I dont want to. I dont want to fight for something that is already gone. I want to fight for our marriage, but Daniel doesnt. So I have to accept that and try to move forward.

In a crazy burst of enlightenment this morning driving to work I heard this song and thought...Daniel may have done me the biggest favor of my life. Up until this point, I was surviving life, not living it. I had grown complacent and I stopped being the person that God created me to be. I stopped painting, I stopped hanging out with friends, I had put all of my energy and all of my "worth" into being his wife. I stopped being Starr.

Since he left and I have been in the house alone for almost 2 weeks now, I have started learning to be that person again. I have started hanging out with my friends again, I have started painting again, and I am experiencing all of life...even the terribly hard parts. But I feel again. I am learning that my worth does not lie in being his wife...my worth comes from God and being his bride. I know I'm just beginning this long journey towards healing and renewal, but right now...it feels good and right.

Matthew West - Forgiveness

It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve

It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just to real
It takes everything you have just to say the word...

Forgiveness
Forgiveness

It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set It Free'

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible

Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you

Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness

I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness

Surviving the first few days

Well, its been almost 3 weeks now since Daniel said he wanted out. Its been one week since he actually moved into his new apartment.  It seems like a long time, but so short at the same time. I have been taking things day by day and praying a lot for healing, not only for me, but for Daniel too. Today I came across an article on a website called divorce360.com that really spoke to me. I pulled out a few excerpts from the article, but you can find the whole article here. I hope that by reading these passages, my friends and family will begin to understand how I've been feeling the past few weeks, and will see how they can help me through this process.

"When you first really understand that your spouse wants out of your marriage, it’s like a shocking slap in the face or a punch in the gut …. the kind where you can’t catch your breath and you drop to your knees."  "I kept thinking he would come to his senses. I kept praying for a miracle."

"I was devastated on so many levels I can’t even describe them all. Divorce is not only a very personal, but a very public failure, and I felt like a spiritual failure as well. I wondered, “what influence can I have for good in this life if the man I want most to please doesn’t think I’m worth being married to?”  

"I had always been a strong, confident, independent woman who loved life and all the joys it offered. But at the very beginning of this ordeal and the days immediately following, I was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I wasn’t eating. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all the time. I was a physical, emotional, spiritual wreck."

"Even though I am an optimist and a God follower, I wondered what good could possibly come from the destruction of my marriage. In the beginning of the divorce journey I was so heartbroken I was having a hard time holding myself together."

"One of the things that is difficult about this journey is that you are embarrassed you are doing so poorly. Our culture seems to say divorce is no big deal. Friends tell us to “just get over it … he/she isn’t worth it, or you’ll find someone else.” There are no grief rituals for divorce. Widows or widowers have friends and family gather around, casseroles, sympathy cards, offers to help. Divorcees usually get nothing. People don’t give you the space or the encouragement to grieve as you must. I was a strong, confident woman, and I hated to admit I was doing so poorly."

"I can’t think of any other situation that is such a devastation to who you are as a person. I went from feeling good about myself to feeling like the biggest failure in the universe."

"The rest of your life is up to you. You can stay stuck in a life of bitterness, anger, fear or sadness for the rest of your days, or you can decide to create the most amazing life you can from here on out. You can be as joyful or as miserable as you decide you will be."

This article caught my eye because it explained so simply how I've been feeling. Its hard to put into words the emotions that I've been going through these past 3 weeks. The loneliness is hard. Seeing his stuff missing from the house is heart-wrenching, but pretending that everything is OK, when I'm completely shattered inside is the worst part.  I know that each day that passes brings me one day closer to healing and to a new life, but that doesn't make it easier right now.

As a Christian, I have to hold out hope that God will do a work on Daniel's heart that is beyond my comprehension. I have to believe that there is a reason that we are going through this trial in our lives. I have to believe that God called us to be married for a purpose, and I have to believe the promise from God that He is "working all things together for my good."

Some of my friends and family will not understand why I am holding out hope for reconciliation, and they will bad-mouth Daniel and say how I deserve better, but I still love my husband. I still love the man whom I vowed to love till "death do us part", through "better and worse." Our society takes divorce WAY TO LIGHTLY and makes it acceptable if one person isn't HAPPY. Love is not a feeling...its an action. I will not give up fighting until those divorce papers are signed. And when we both come out of this ordeal on the other side as better, stronger, more faithful people, all the glory will go to God alone. 

Starting a new chapter

It's been 11 days since my world as I knew it came crashing down around my feet, all at the hands of the man I vowed to spend my life with. October 18th was a Thursday, and the first part of the day was normal. I went to work, chatted with Daniel online and we even planned a date night to go to Chuy's and walk around the mall. Things had been a little awkward that week and I thought a date night was just what we needed to reconnect. Boy was I wrong. I came home from work and got a shower and got ready to go on our date. Daniel arrived home and I could tell that something was bothering him and he seemed upset. I asked him what was wrong and pressed him to talk to me. I was not prepared for what he was about to say.

We went upstairs and sat on the couch. I could tell he was conflicted and he had tears in his eyes. He said he didn't really want to tell me because he knew it would hurt me, but he just blurted it out...I want a divorce. I was shocked, hurt, and confused. He went on to tell me that he loved me, but was not in love with me and he had been feeling this way for a couple of years now. He said he has been trying to deal with these emotions on his own and he has been pretending that everything is ok, but he can't pretend any longer. I wasn't even sure how to respond to that except to be extremely hurt, and to feel betrayed and lied to for so long. How could I trust anything he said or did in our marriage? Was it all a lie? Did he ever love me?

The past couple of weeks has sorta all blurred into one big nightmare filled with many tears, false hope about reconciliation, questions, stress, and more tears. Last night we sat down and drew up the separation papers and painstakingly went through who would keep each piece of furniture and cars, and how we would split up the finances. It was like all a big dream or nightmare. I felt disconnected from my body thinking...this can't really be my life. How could this man whom I devoted the last 5 years of my life to, just boil down our entire relationship into a business transaction with no emotion and no real concern? Do I mean that little to him after this long? He was even making jokes at my expense right there at the dinner table as I was dealing with the most hurtful thing I have ever had to deal with. How did we get to this point? How was I so blinded to the fact that he was not happy? Why did he chose to hide it for so long, and not just from me, but from our friends, and family too.

I know those of you reading this are probably just as shocked as I am. I just want you to know that I loved him with all my heart, and I fought for us to work to save our marriage. I did not give up, and I never stopped loving him because I made a commitment to him, to God and to our friends and family. Now, I have to move on. You know that saying, "If you love them you have to let them go", well I'm letting him go. I trust that God has a better plan for me. He wants me to be happy too. He wants me to have a man in my life that adores me, and who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I deserve that, and I deserve to be happy too. I never thought I would ever have to go through this. I never wanted to have the stigma of "divorce" hanging over my head. I never thought that I would be 30 and having to start my life completely over. I am trusting that God has something amazing for me on the other side of this. Please continue to pray for me and call to check on me. Loneliness is the worst part of it all. Thank you in advance for your support.