Fifty Days Underground

A few weeks back a college friend posted on her Facebook page that she had a friend starting a project called "50 Days Underground". In essence this friend of hers was going to spend 50 days in the subway system in NYC singing original songs that she was inspired to write by people who submitted stories of love, faith, etc.

Well I took a chance and sent this stranger my story from the past year and I received an email this morning with a video attached. I am so humbled and blessed to have been chosen for one of her songs. I'm so glad that my story of how God has blessed me this year is now going to touch so many other people.

Hope you enjoy...

http://fiftydaysunderground.com/#/day7/

Day 7: You Carry Me Home from Kelly Bazely on Vimeo.

The Greatest Man I Barely Knew

Waiting is the hardest. I’ve never been very good at waiting, or being patient for that matter. But alas, I’m waiting, I’m anticipating; but this is not just another day. Today I’m awaiting a phone call from my mother to tell me that my grandfather has gone to be with Jesus. We are all waiting. There is nothing left to do but say goodbye and make our peace.

Its times like these when it’s very difficult to live so far from family. I want to be there to say goodbye with the rest of my family. I have made my peace though, so for that I’m thankful. I said goodbye at Christmas. It was one of the hardest things I have had to do…walk out of that house knowing that I would never see him this side of glory again. I don’t think I’m in denial; I know what is happening. I just don’t want to see him suffer. Dying is a hard process and I would be lying if I said that I haven’t had a couple of intense conversations with God about why he has to suffer like this. Some things I may never fully understand.

This I do know…I am going to miss his terribly. Life will never be the same. I’ve been thinking about him a lot the past couple of days because I know his time is drawing short. I can’t help but try to remember all the good times we shared and the reasons why he means so much to me.

Carey L. Foster will always be a mystery to me. He was a man of very few words, but when he did speak, he spoke pure wisdom. At least that is how I saw it, but I was biased. The man that the world knew as Carey…or C.L. Foster, was the man I knew as “Granddaddy”. I knew him as the only man to never hurt me. I knew him as the leader of our little dysfunctional family. I knew him as the strong hands that held my Grandmother’s hand. I knew him as the loud, strong, voice that prayed the closing prayers at our church every Sunday. I knew him as the man that encouraged me to go to Trevecca for school and spread my wings in a new city (his Alma Mater). I knew him as the man that loved dessert more than dinner. I knew him as the man who let me have the tall seat at Christmas because I as the youngest (and I was spoiled). I knew him as the man that encouraged me to go explore his attic (aka…museum) every time I came to his house. I knew him as the man who always encouraged me to follow my dreams and never give up. I knew him as the man who introduced me to my Savior. He is my hero.

He used to sing to me…”Star Light, Star bright, first Star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might…” It still makes me smile to think about it. And I giggle when I recall the last conversation I had with him about a year ago, before the Parkinson’s took over. We were sitting at the kitchen island, and he was eating breakfast. I was home visiting from TN and I asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee. He looked at me and just simply said…”No, I’m a Christian.” I burst out laughing. It’s that deadpan sense of humor that I will miss the most.

“When you feel the sun caress your cheek, you will know he is there.
When you hear the wind in the trees, you will know he is there.
When you see the light dance across the water, you will know he is there.
When the clouds of life surround you, fear not as he will be the ray of sun that breaks through the darkness when you need it most.
There will be days when a moment, a song or a fragrance in the air, and you will hear his voice…the voice that says I love you!” 
― Rodger Halston

Updates on my 30 for 30 resolutions...

Another year has come to an end and the book called 2013 has been closed. Its only natural to look back at the past year and reflect on the things that have been accomplished, the goals met, and the things left undone. It has been a while since I have looked back on my 30 for 30 resolutions list for 2013; so here is my final analysis for the year...

http://perryplayground.blogspot.com/2013/01/30-resolutions-for-my-30th.html

1. I stepped out of my comfort zone this year and joined a small group at my church, as well as became a member of Midtown 12 South. It has been one of the biggest blessings of my life to get involved in such a great church and an amazing group of people. They have become such a great support for me and wonderful friends over the past 6 months.

2. I never actually went skiing, but I did go to a ski slope in Gatlinburg and went tubing with Sara McAdoo over Valentines Day weekend.

3. I didn't get my celtic star tattoo on my hip, but I did get a tattoo of a star on my foot.

4. I did get adjusted regularly by Dr. Dedmon, my amazing chiropractor. I can't stress enough how much I enjoy going to the chiropractor!!

5. I almost achieved my running goal... I ran 10 5Ks this year; I only missed October and December. I stayed pretty steady the whole year with my time, but I enjoyed the journey of learning to run.

6. I only painted a few paintings this year, but all of them were displayed in Two Tone Art Gallery in Murfreesboro, TN.

7. I don't think I will be finished remodeling my house for many years, but I did make progress. My bathroom is finally usable and my list for next year is growing everyday :)

8. I started a bunch of books this year, but only finished a few: Boundaries, Flying Solo, The Shining, Toxic Relationships, Divergent, Jesus The King, The Little Princess. The Hunger Games Trilogy.

9. I didn't get to vacation in an exotic place, but Oak Island, NC was an amazing trip this year. I also went to Tunica, MS :) I know its not exotic either. Oh, and lets not forget Chattanooga...my favorite vacation this year, as well as two trips to Fancy Gap, VA to my Grandmother's cabin.

10. I didn't pay off my car, but I should have it paid off by March :) I did pay off my credit card though.

11. Still never watched Gone with the Wind...although I started reading the book (didn't finish that either).

12. I think I did pretty good at staying connected and engaged in my friend's lives. I don't think I could have made it through the year without the support of my divorce care girls, Sara Wilson, Laura Voltz, Stacey Bailey, Eli Hamilton, all of my small group and most recently, Jon Van Hoff :)

13. I didn't have a regular girl's night, but I did attend a few different girl's nights with Sarah and the Woodycrest girls, as well as a monthly dinner with my DC girls.

14. I definitely spoiled my dogs absolutely rotten. CHECK!

15. I don't know how "awesome" my roommates are, but I did find two roommates this year, and we get along "ok". We haven't killed each other yet, so that's good right? LOL.

16. I did complete my divorce care classes and I feel like I did come out of it a more healed, secure person. This class was an amazing blessing in my life.

17. Didn't go sky-diving...still on my list.

18. I went to the shooting range with Margaret in April and I absolutely loved it. I also went to the turkey shoot with my dad a couple of times this year.

19. I didn't get my concealed weapons permit this year...still on my list.

20. I think I can say I did go to at least 5 concerts this year. I enjoyed a few great shows at the Ryman this fall, as well as many smaller shows by friends at local venues.

21. I think I did pretty good at not letting anyone define me as a person besides God.

22. I did get to go to both a Predator's game as well as a Titan's game this year.

23. I did not get to see Duke Men's Basketball play in person :(

24. I DID get kissed by a hot stranger, but he's not a stranger anymore! He's my boyfriend ;)

25. I did excel in my job, although I did get laid off in the summer, but then I was blessed to get an amazing job at Nissan!! What a blessing.

26. I think you would have to ask my family if I was an awesome daughter, sister, aunt, and cousin this year, but I think I did pretty good.

27. I added a few Nashville landmarks to my list this year, although there are still SO MANY things I still need to experience here.

28. I never did ride bikes downtown on a date...still on my list.

29. I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone this year...still baby-stepping everyday.

30. I tried really hard to be a blessing to at least one person each day...this one is still on my list too :P

So, overall, I think I can count 2013 as a successful year. It was definitely a difficult one with the divorce and starting to find myself again; but it held so many blessings as well. New friends, awesome vacations, a new job, refinancing my house, a new boyfriend, and a renewed relationship with my God. So long 2013...A new year awaits :)

Waiting on June

I heard this song today and even though it wasn't the first time I have heard it, today it brought tears to my eyes. I realized how sad and beautiful it was, and what an amazing love story. It also reminded me of my grandparents. As I mentioned in my last blog, my grandfather is sick and although I am many miles away, I have watched and heard from family about how extremely devoted my grandmother has been to him through this journey. Their love story is amazing to me. They have been my true example of what devotion, love and sacrifice means. To the outside world, their story may be very mundane, but in my eyes they are amazing. It also breaks my heart to see my grandmother having to watch her one true love fade away before her eyes. Its hard on her and there are days when she wants to give up hope. There are days when he doesn't know who she is anymore. There are days when I'm sure she just sits and cries, alone in her house. But then there are those days when he calls for her in the middle of the night and they still share that bond that made them fall in love so many years ago. I cant imagine the pain she must be going through, but I know that the man she fell in love with almost 50 years ago is still loving her the very best he knows how. That is what true love looks like. 

Waiting on June
By: Holly Williams

We were slower than we used to be, the nursing home told June and me
That we'd have separate rooms side by side,
Oh what I'd give for one more night of sleeping with my wife,
Since '45 I've touched her skin in the middle of the night
So I'm lyin' in this single bed until they cut the lights,
That's when she'll sneak in and I'll be fine

Waiting on June, so we can kiss goodnight
Waiting on June, I'll hold her hand so tight
Waiting on June, I'll love her 'til I die
It's bittersweet when love grows old and you really miss your wife
Waiting on June

Well they buried me last Tuesday morn,
The good Lord came, He took me home,
I closed my eyes and quickly went away
But the angels let me see her everyday

Waiting on June, our mansion is so grand
Waiting on June, footprints in the sand
Waiting on June, that's the story of my life
Cause me and Jesus are standing here 'til she walks through that light
Waiting on June

I'm still waiting on June,
I'm always waiting on June.
No more waiting on June...

The Christmas kind of Crazy

This past weekend I had a meltdown…it’s been a while and long overdue I believe. I guess the stress and pressure of the holidays and family issues finally got to me. I think everyone deserves a good meltdown every once in a while. My last blog touched on some topics that have been bothering me and I may not have been really clear about the intent of that blog in retrospect. The questions I posed about love may have come across as me being a “negative Nancy” about love and relationships…that is not the case at all. I am a hopeless romantic and sometimes I start questioning everything…and I mean EVERYTHING. I guess last week was one of those introspective weeks and if that blog offended anyone I apologize.

I am incredibly blessed and I want to make sure that the people in my life know how much they mean to me, especially this time of year. Some of you may know that my grandfather, the one man in my life that has never hurt me (and that is amazing) is very sick and dying slowly. It hurts me beyond words that he has to go through this and that I am so far away from my family at this time. I know it’s a struggle for everyone involved. I am trying to be strong and put on a hard candy shell again, but deep down I’m afraid. I’m also afraid of going home for the holidays because I know it is always stressful for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family so so much and I miss them tremendously, but the trip itself is stressful. I have to pick up my life, my dogs, and my carefully organized routine and drive 8 hours into chaos. Like every family, my family is full of drama, good and bad and as much as I love the people…the drama drives me bonkers. I try to avoid it at all costs.

So, between the family issues and the normal holiday craziness, I finally broke and all the “feels” as my friend Sarah calls it, came rushing out on Friday night. I have to say thank you to Jon because he was so understanding and calming during my crazy spell. I was certain he would run screaming for the hills. He is a blessing to me and I don’t tell him enough.

On Saturday Jon came over and we had the most amazing, Christmas-filled day on record. We went and picked out a real tree, hauled it home and he helped me decorate the house. We listened to Christmas music as we decorated and even hung the mistletoe. It was blissful. He even convinced me to pull out the old “classic” ornaments from my childhood and do a traditional tree. I LOVE IT!! He is an old soul and it resonates with my old soul. With the house finally decorated, it’s starting to really feel like Christmas, and I am excited. My journey this year has been bumpy, and crazy, but joyous this year. I have been incredibly blessed and I have learned to find my inner strength through all the trials. I will leave you with this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that I love so much…

“A woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”

What is Love?

What is love? We all know Webster’s definition, and the Corinthian verses that explain love, but how is it played out in real life? Is the ideal of love that we see on television and read in books…is it all a big lie? Is it even achievable? Have we been duped?

I’ve struggled with knowing what real love feels like. I have shrived for love my whole life. I put on the defense of being “perfect” to gain my family’s love and acceptance for the majority of my life. If I work hard enough then they will love me. I did it with God as well…if I’m a good enough Christian then I can earn God’s love. I did it in my marriage…if I just love him through all his faults, then it will be ok and he will have to love me back. You see how that worked out.

I’m sure it’s not a secret that I’ve been in therapy for the past year, and I’m working through a lot of my issues with the idea of what real love looks like. My therapist recommended I read a book that has really opened my eyes to a lot of my issues and it’s been one of the hardest times in the past year as I work my way through this book; not because it’s a hard book to understand, but the implications and the memories that it stirs up are brutal. This passage leaped off the page at me today as I finished the study.

“Most adult children of toxic relationships grow up feeling tremendous confusion about what love means and how it’s supposed to feel. The people they trusted did extremely unloving things to them in the name of love. They came to understand love as something chaotic, dramatic, confusing, and often painful—something they had to give up their own dreams and desires for. Obviously, that’s not was love is all about. Loving behavior doesn’t grind you down, keep you off balance, or create feelings of self-hatred. Love doesn’t hurt, it feels good. Loving behavior nourishes your emotional well-being. When someone is being loving to you, you feel accepted, cared for, valued, and respected. Genuine love creates feelings of warmth, pleasure, safety, stability, and inner peace.”

I long for that kind of love. I’m working on myself this year…and what a year it has been. I’m facing a lot of my demons and I’m confronting the lies that I’ve been dealt for so long. In the process, I’m learning to stand up for myself and be the woman of God that I was created to be. I have a huge heart and a lot of love to give…and I’m not letting people…friends, family, etc. take advantage of that again. Look out for the new and improved Starr. 

Oh What a Year it Has Been

I was driving through Murfreesboro this weekend and as we drove through the town square I noticed there were race signs posted throughout that read “Murfreesboro Middle Half Marathon Race Route, October 12, 2013” and I noticed that my breath caught in my chest. Like a lightning bolt it hit me that it’s been almost a year since that last weekend as a happily married woman. One year ago this weekend I was at that race cheering on my former husband in his first ½ marathon. I was surrounded by his family and spent that beautiful fall day oblivious to the chaos that was coming just a few short days later. The sign struck me so hard because it snuck up on me. I realized that I have been so happy and content in my new life that I didn’t realize I was approaching this anniversary. That has to be a good sign right? The past few months have brought many more smiles and lots more laughter than the previous months. I am thoroughly enjoying my new job at Nissan and I feel like this is exactly where I am supposed to be for this time in my life. I am navigating the arena of dating again and breaking down the walls around my heart and letting someone new in to my life. It’s been a challenge but totally worth the fight. I’m growing leaps and bounds in my faith and my relationship with my Savior this Spring/Summer. I am engaging in my church and my small group and I’m making some great connections and friends at my church. I can honestly say that as crazy as this past year has been, it has been the worst and BEST year of my life. That is so strange to say and many people may not understand how I can say that, but I trust God and I know he is working all things out for my good. I still do not have regrets about my marriage, and I know that all of those experiences helped shape me into the woman I am today and I am moving forward into a much brighter future. I want to say thanks to all my friends and family who have helped guide and support me this year and have shown me love through all the sorrow and questions. You all are such amazing blessings to me J Here is to another year and a brand new Starr.