I have a ton of different things running through my mind tonight so I'm just going to start typing and see what happens. I dont think I would be able to sleep if I dont get it out, so be warned...this may be a random assortment of thoughts and ideas...
I started going to my Divorce Care classes tonight. Its a 13 week program held at Christ Church that helps people like me who are going through separation or divorce. Just typing that sentence was so difficult on my pride. I still dont want to carry that stigma. Anyways, as I sat there and listened to the stories of these other 6 ladies from all backgrounds, ages, lengths of marriage, and number of children, I realized that I'm not ok with this...not OK at all. Let me explain...
I have put on a tough exterior lately and I have been telling everyone, and myself for that matter, that everything is ok. "I'm actually doing better than expected", and "Its really not that bad" have been my mantras for about a month. On the surface, I am doing pretty good. I mean I'm not laid up on the couch crying my eyes out and not eating like I was at first. I enjoy being by myself in this house with the dogs most of the time, and I am functioning in the world. But tonight, as I sat there in that room drinking coffee and eating chocolate, I realized that I'm not ok. Deep down, below the surface of the proud exterior I have perfected, I am a mess. I am broken. I am mourning. I am mourning the death of my marriage. I had such high expectations for our life together. I am mourning the fact that I wont have children any time soon. I am mourning the fact that my best friend just decided I wasnt worth the fight anymore and took the cowards way out. Sorry, but that's the truth. I am angry. I am hurt. I want to sooth the pain anyway I know how, and that includes drinking Woodchuck, watching sappy chick flicks, talking to my friends about my issues, not talking about my issues with other friends, and generally ignoring my feelings.
It seems everyone just expects me to be "OK" so quickly, and to move on with my life seemingly as quickly as it all ended. I dont know how to do that. I think that is an unfair expectation. I know everyone means well and they want me to be happy, but I need to feel the feelings and deal with them, not stuff them in a box called "normal" and "adjusted".
One thing that I am struggling with is having friends that understand what I'm going through. None of my close friends have ever had to deal with divorce, and so their "counsel" is limited. I still appreciate all the advice and the prayers, but its hard to really know how I'm feeling. I am also struggling with the thought that I am a burden on my friends. I know how draining it is to have a friend dealing with emotional issues and to always be that support. For me though, I am extremely lonely, so that means I may email you or text you out of the blue just to have someone to talk to.
Another thing that I'm struggling with is dealing with all this during the holiday season...UGHH so many happy families doing their happy traditions together. While others are worrying about which Christmas decorations to hang, I'm worried about taking his photos out of the picture frames and putting them into boxes. I have been avoiding this like the plague...I am not strong enough to do that on my own, but I am so ashamed to call and ask someone to come help me. There I said it. I'm completely vulnerable and too proud to ask for help because I dont want to be pitied.
As I sit here typing out my heart, I think these are the first tears I have shed in over a week. I hate being vulnerable and I just want to make it all make sense, but it doesnt. Nothing about this process or this situation makes sense. I can try to speculate as to why he left, but it would do no good. The end result is the same. The human and/or girl part of me wants to jump right back into the arms of a strong, handsome, caring man who loves me for me, and who appreciates me. But the sensible rational person in me knows that spells disaster. I know I have to take time to let myself grieve, mourn, and heal properly before moving on to another relationship. Logically I know that I am no where near ready for that, but emotionally I just want someone to hold me and tell me that I'm worth fighting for. Is that too much to ask? LOL.
I guess the moral of this story is...I am a mess, covered in a hard candy shell called "Pride". Please indulge me for a while and be the shoulder to cry on when needed. Please dont play with my emotions, or my head right now, because honestly, I dont think I am in a place to make rational decisions. And most importantly...keep praying for me. I need it.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Thankfulness
It's that time of year again...everyone is sharing what they have to be thankful for each day leading up to Thanksgiving. I like this tradition, but I have not been participating in the ritual this year. On the surface, I could wallow in self pity and claim "What do I have to be thankful for, holidays this year suck because of what's transpiring in my life." But I WILL NOT be that person. I have so much to be thankful for and I think its been magnified during this time of trial. So here is my not-so-normal "Thankful" list:
1. Most importantly, I am thankful for my relationship with God my Savior. I seriously would not make it out of bed each morning without the strength and guidance that He gives me. He gives me a reason to keep moving forward. I trust Him wholeheartedly and even though I cant see His plan right now, I know that He is working all things together for my good.
2. My family. Even though my family is far away in NC, and I cant run home and cry to them or laugh with them, I am so thankful for their love and support. I know that no matter how far away I am or how long its been since I have seen or talked to them, that if I need them, they will be there.
3. My extended family/in-laws. This transition has been hard on me and my in-laws/extended/married family. Separation/divorce doesn't happen just to the couple. Its affects everyone. I am so thankful that my in-laws are still supportive of me and still want to be part of my life.
4. My friends. Oh my friends are amazing. I will be the first to admit that I pretty much suck at keeping in touch with friends like I should. I get so caught up in my own life that I forget to check on my friends and be there for them. I have been utterly amazed at the outpouring of love and support that I have received from my friends over this past month. I'm not sure how I could ever make it up to you all, but I will try.
5. My puppies. This little furry three-some is my daily strength. They are wonderful companions, protection, snugglers, and entertainers. I wouldn't trade them for the world.
I will start with the "generalizations"
1. Most importantly, I am thankful for my relationship with God my Savior. I seriously would not make it out of bed each morning without the strength and guidance that He gives me. He gives me a reason to keep moving forward. I trust Him wholeheartedly and even though I cant see His plan right now, I know that He is working all things together for my good.
2. My family. Even though my family is far away in NC, and I cant run home and cry to them or laugh with them, I am so thankful for their love and support. I know that no matter how far away I am or how long its been since I have seen or talked to them, that if I need them, they will be there.
3. My extended family/in-laws. This transition has been hard on me and my in-laws/extended/married family. Separation/divorce doesn't happen just to the couple. Its affects everyone. I am so thankful that my in-laws are still supportive of me and still want to be part of my life.
4. My friends. Oh my friends are amazing. I will be the first to admit that I pretty much suck at keeping in touch with friends like I should. I get so caught up in my own life that I forget to check on my friends and be there for them. I have been utterly amazed at the outpouring of love and support that I have received from my friends over this past month. I'm not sure how I could ever make it up to you all, but I will try.
5. My puppies. This little furry three-some is my daily strength. They are wonderful companions, protection, snugglers, and entertainers. I wouldn't trade them for the world.
Now for more specific "thankfuls"
1. Cafe Coco talks with Stacey Bailey
2. Hibachi grill night with Sara McAdoo
3. Painting with Debbie Radish and Jane Lovell
4. Soccer with Geddy, Sean, and Mango
5. Greek food dates with Laura, Geddy, Anthony Mills, and Matt
6. Shooting guns with Amanda Weaver and Dad
7. Running the 5K Challenge at TNU with Debbie, Scott and Hailey
8. Dog park dates with Sara and Caroline
9. Book club with my "book club girls"
10. YMCA memberships so I can take kickboxing classes
11. Neighbors like Rustee who take my trash cans back to the house every week while I'm at work, and offer to have coffee and just talk
12. Twilight movie night with Rachel Parker
13. Lunch dates with Pam and Debbie
14. White wine and chick flicks
15. Late night chats via Facebook with Thomas, Brian, and many other friends
16. Late night conversations on the phone with Amanda, Sara, and Caroline
17. Celebrating with friends who are expecting...living vicariously through them :)
18. Waking up and seeing Archie asleep on the pillow next to me
19. Being completely surrounded by puppies in the bed to keep me warm
20. Redecorating the house to fit my "style"
21. Teaching Archie to finally "go to his bed" when its time for me to leave the house!! Victory!
22. Cold nights and warm blankets
23. Anticipation of Black Friday shopping with Kim, Sharon, and Mom
24. Baking pumpkin and banana chocolate chip muffins
25. Relationships with Jason Gillie, and Alan Gillie that span over a decade, and they still treat me like their little sister.
26. New friendships with people like Stephanie D. from church, and Baja Burrito dates :)
I'm sure this list could go on and on...I will keep adding to it as the days and weeks pass. I am most thankful for all the wonderful, supportive people in my life who love me for me...even through all my flaws. I am thankful for you!!
Monday, November 12, 2012
Forgiveness
I have had a few weeks to reflect/dwell/wallow about this separation and impending divorce and I have to say, I still have days where I fall apart emotionally, but for the most part, I am doing really well with it all. That surprises me, but I have been finding great comfort in the music of WayFM, the book I'm reading for book club called "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore, my amazing group of friends and family, my loving puppies, and constant prayer.
Over the past few weeks, I have decided that I can only control my thoughts, actions and attitude in this whole situation. I cant control Daniel and I dont want to. I dont want to fight for something that is already gone. I want to fight for our marriage, but Daniel doesnt. So I have to accept that and try to move forward.
In a crazy burst of enlightenment this morning driving to work I heard this song and thought...Daniel may have done me the biggest favor of my life. Up until this point, I was surviving life, not living it. I had grown complacent and I stopped being the person that God created me to be. I stopped painting, I stopped hanging out with friends, I had put all of my energy and all of my "worth" into being his wife. I stopped being Starr.
Since he left and I have been in the house alone for almost 2 weeks now, I have started learning to be that person again. I have started hanging out with my friends again, I have started painting again, and I am experiencing all of life...even the terribly hard parts. But I feel again. I am learning that my worth does not lie in being his wife...my worth comes from God and being his bride. I know I'm just beginning this long journey towards healing and renewal, but right now...it feels good and right.
Over the past few weeks, I have decided that I can only control my thoughts, actions and attitude in this whole situation. I cant control Daniel and I dont want to. I dont want to fight for something that is already gone. I want to fight for our marriage, but Daniel doesnt. So I have to accept that and try to move forward.
In a crazy burst of enlightenment this morning driving to work I heard this song and thought...Daniel may have done me the biggest favor of my life. Up until this point, I was surviving life, not living it. I had grown complacent and I stopped being the person that God created me to be. I stopped painting, I stopped hanging out with friends, I had put all of my energy and all of my "worth" into being his wife. I stopped being Starr.
Since he left and I have been in the house alone for almost 2 weeks now, I have started learning to be that person again. I have started hanging out with my friends again, I have started painting again, and I am experiencing all of life...even the terribly hard parts. But I feel again. I am learning that my worth does not lie in being his wife...my worth comes from God and being his bride. I know I'm just beginning this long journey towards healing and renewal, but right now...it feels good and right.
Matthew West - Forgiveness
It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve
It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just to real
It takes everything you have just to say the word...
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set It Free'
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
It's the hardest thing to give away
And the last thing on your mind today
It always goes to those that don't deserve
It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just to real
It takes everything you have just to say the word...
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set It Free'
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
It'll clear the bitterness away
It can even set a prisoner free
There is no end to what it's power can do
So, let it go and be amazed
By what you see through eyes of grace
The prisoner that it really frees is you
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Show me how to love the unlovable
Show me how to reach the unreachable
Help me now to do the impossible
Forgiveness
I want to finally set it free
So show me how to see what Your mercy sees
Help me now to give what You gave to me
Forgiveness, Forgiveness
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Surviving the first few days
Well, its been almost 3 weeks now since Daniel said he wanted out. Its been one week since he actually moved into his new apartment. It seems like a long time, but so short at the same time. I have been taking things day by day and praying a lot for healing, not only for me, but for Daniel too. Today I came across an article on a website called divorce360.com that really spoke to me. I pulled out a few excerpts from the article, but you can find the whole article here. I hope that by reading these passages, my friends and family will begin to understand how I've been feeling the past few weeks, and will see how they can help me through this process.
"When you first really understand that your spouse wants out of your marriage, it’s like a shocking slap in the face or a punch in the gut …. the kind where you can’t catch your breath and you drop to your knees." "I kept thinking he would come to his senses. I kept praying for a miracle."
"I was devastated on so many levels I can’t even describe them all. Divorce is not only a very personal, but a very public failure, and I felt like a spiritual failure as well. I wondered, “what influence can I have for good in this life if the man I want most to please doesn’t think I’m worth being married to?”
"I had always been a strong, confident, independent woman who loved life and all the joys it offered. But at the very beginning of this ordeal and the days immediately following, I was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I wasn’t eating. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all the time. I was a physical, emotional, spiritual wreck."
"Even though I am an optimist and a God follower, I wondered what good could possibly come from the destruction of my marriage. In the beginning of the divorce journey I was so heartbroken I was having a hard time holding myself together."
"One of the things that is difficult about this journey is that you are embarrassed you are doing so poorly. Our culture seems to say divorce is no big deal. Friends tell us to “just get over it … he/she isn’t worth it, or you’ll find someone else.” There are no grief rituals for divorce. Widows or widowers have friends and family gather around, casseroles, sympathy cards, offers to help. Divorcees usually get nothing. People don’t give you the space or the encouragement to grieve as you must. I was a strong, confident woman, and I hated to admit I was doing so poorly."
"I can’t think of any other situation that is such a devastation to who you are as a person. I went from feeling good about myself to feeling like the biggest failure in the universe."
"The rest of your life is up to you. You can stay stuck in a life of bitterness, anger, fear or sadness for the rest of your days, or you can decide to create the most amazing life you can from here on out. You can be as joyful or as miserable as you decide you will be."
This article caught my eye because it explained so simply how I've been feeling. Its hard to put into words the emotions that I've been going through these past 3 weeks. The loneliness is hard. Seeing his stuff missing from the house is heart-wrenching, but pretending that everything is OK, when I'm completely shattered inside is the worst part. I know that each day that passes brings me one day closer to healing and to a new life, but that doesn't make it easier right now.
As a Christian, I have to hold out hope that God will do a work on Daniel's heart that is beyond my comprehension. I have to believe that there is a reason that we are going through this trial in our lives. I have to believe that God called us to be married for a purpose, and I have to believe the promise from God that He is "working all things together for my good."
Some of my friends and family will not understand why I am holding out hope for reconciliation, and they will bad-mouth Daniel and say how I deserve better, but I still love my husband. I still love the man whom I vowed to love till "death do us part", through "better and worse." Our society takes divorce WAY TO LIGHTLY and makes it acceptable if one person isn't HAPPY. Love is not a feeling...its an action. I will not give up fighting until those divorce papers are signed. And when we both come out of this ordeal on the other side as better, stronger, more faithful people, all the glory will go to God alone.
"When you first really understand that your spouse wants out of your marriage, it’s like a shocking slap in the face or a punch in the gut …. the kind where you can’t catch your breath and you drop to your knees." "I kept thinking he would come to his senses. I kept praying for a miracle."
"I was devastated on so many levels I can’t even describe them all. Divorce is not only a very personal, but a very public failure, and I felt like a spiritual failure as well. I wondered, “what influence can I have for good in this life if the man I want most to please doesn’t think I’m worth being married to?”
"I had always been a strong, confident, independent woman who loved life and all the joys it offered. But at the very beginning of this ordeal and the days immediately following, I was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I wasn’t eating. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all the time. I was a physical, emotional, spiritual wreck."
"Even though I am an optimist and a God follower, I wondered what good could possibly come from the destruction of my marriage. In the beginning of the divorce journey I was so heartbroken I was having a hard time holding myself together."
"One of the things that is difficult about this journey is that you are embarrassed you are doing so poorly. Our culture seems to say divorce is no big deal. Friends tell us to “just get over it … he/she isn’t worth it, or you’ll find someone else.” There are no grief rituals for divorce. Widows or widowers have friends and family gather around, casseroles, sympathy cards, offers to help. Divorcees usually get nothing. People don’t give you the space or the encouragement to grieve as you must. I was a strong, confident woman, and I hated to admit I was doing so poorly."
"I can’t think of any other situation that is such a devastation to who you are as a person. I went from feeling good about myself to feeling like the biggest failure in the universe."
"The rest of your life is up to you. You can stay stuck in a life of bitterness, anger, fear or sadness for the rest of your days, or you can decide to create the most amazing life you can from here on out. You can be as joyful or as miserable as you decide you will be."
This article caught my eye because it explained so simply how I've been feeling. Its hard to put into words the emotions that I've been going through these past 3 weeks. The loneliness is hard. Seeing his stuff missing from the house is heart-wrenching, but pretending that everything is OK, when I'm completely shattered inside is the worst part. I know that each day that passes brings me one day closer to healing and to a new life, but that doesn't make it easier right now.
As a Christian, I have to hold out hope that God will do a work on Daniel's heart that is beyond my comprehension. I have to believe that there is a reason that we are going through this trial in our lives. I have to believe that God called us to be married for a purpose, and I have to believe the promise from God that He is "working all things together for my good."
Some of my friends and family will not understand why I am holding out hope for reconciliation, and they will bad-mouth Daniel and say how I deserve better, but I still love my husband. I still love the man whom I vowed to love till "death do us part", through "better and worse." Our society takes divorce WAY TO LIGHTLY and makes it acceptable if one person isn't HAPPY. Love is not a feeling...its an action. I will not give up fighting until those divorce papers are signed. And when we both come out of this ordeal on the other side as better, stronger, more faithful people, all the glory will go to God alone.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Starting a new chapter
It's been 11 days since my world as I knew it came crashing down around my feet, all at the hands of the man I vowed to spend my life with. October 18th was a Thursday, and the first part of the day was normal. I went to work, chatted with Daniel online and we even planned a date night to go to Chuy's and walk around the mall. Things had been a little awkward that week and I thought a date night was just what we needed to reconnect. Boy was I wrong. I came home from work and got a shower and got ready to go on our date. Daniel arrived home and I could tell that something was bothering him and he seemed upset. I asked him what was wrong and pressed him to talk to me. I was not prepared for what he was about to say.
We went upstairs and sat on the couch. I could tell he was conflicted and he had tears in his eyes. He said he didn't really want to tell me because he knew it would hurt me, but he just blurted it out...I want a divorce. I was shocked, hurt, and confused. He went on to tell me that he loved me, but was not in love with me and he had been feeling this way for a couple of years now. He said he has been trying to deal with these emotions on his own and he has been pretending that everything is ok, but he can't pretend any longer. I wasn't even sure how to respond to that except to be extremely hurt, and to feel betrayed and lied to for so long. How could I trust anything he said or did in our marriage? Was it all a lie? Did he ever love me?
The past couple of weeks has sorta all blurred into one big nightmare filled with many tears, false hope about reconciliation, questions, stress, and more tears. Last night we sat down and drew up the separation papers and painstakingly went through who would keep each piece of furniture and cars, and how we would split up the finances. It was like all a big dream or nightmare. I felt disconnected from my body thinking...this can't really be my life. How could this man whom I devoted the last 5 years of my life to, just boil down our entire relationship into a business transaction with no emotion and no real concern? Do I mean that little to him after this long? He was even making jokes at my expense right there at the dinner table as I was dealing with the most hurtful thing I have ever had to deal with. How did we get to this point? How was I so blinded to the fact that he was not happy? Why did he chose to hide it for so long, and not just from me, but from our friends, and family too.
I know those of you reading this are probably just as shocked as I am. I just want you to know that I loved him with all my heart, and I fought for us to work to save our marriage. I did not give up, and I never stopped loving him because I made a commitment to him, to God and to our friends and family. Now, I have to move on. You know that saying, "If you love them you have to let them go", well I'm letting him go. I trust that God has a better plan for me. He wants me to be happy too. He wants me to have a man in my life that adores me, and who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I deserve that, and I deserve to be happy too. I never thought I would ever have to go through this. I never wanted to have the stigma of "divorce" hanging over my head. I never thought that I would be 30 and having to start my life completely over. I am trusting that God has something amazing for me on the other side of this. Please continue to pray for me and call to check on me. Loneliness is the worst part of it all. Thank you in advance for your support.
We went upstairs and sat on the couch. I could tell he was conflicted and he had tears in his eyes. He said he didn't really want to tell me because he knew it would hurt me, but he just blurted it out...I want a divorce. I was shocked, hurt, and confused. He went on to tell me that he loved me, but was not in love with me and he had been feeling this way for a couple of years now. He said he has been trying to deal with these emotions on his own and he has been pretending that everything is ok, but he can't pretend any longer. I wasn't even sure how to respond to that except to be extremely hurt, and to feel betrayed and lied to for so long. How could I trust anything he said or did in our marriage? Was it all a lie? Did he ever love me?
The past couple of weeks has sorta all blurred into one big nightmare filled with many tears, false hope about reconciliation, questions, stress, and more tears. Last night we sat down and drew up the separation papers and painstakingly went through who would keep each piece of furniture and cars, and how we would split up the finances. It was like all a big dream or nightmare. I felt disconnected from my body thinking...this can't really be my life. How could this man whom I devoted the last 5 years of my life to, just boil down our entire relationship into a business transaction with no emotion and no real concern? Do I mean that little to him after this long? He was even making jokes at my expense right there at the dinner table as I was dealing with the most hurtful thing I have ever had to deal with. How did we get to this point? How was I so blinded to the fact that he was not happy? Why did he chose to hide it for so long, and not just from me, but from our friends, and family too.
I know those of you reading this are probably just as shocked as I am. I just want you to know that I loved him with all my heart, and I fought for us to work to save our marriage. I did not give up, and I never stopped loving him because I made a commitment to him, to God and to our friends and family. Now, I have to move on. You know that saying, "If you love them you have to let them go", well I'm letting him go. I trust that God has a better plan for me. He wants me to be happy too. He wants me to have a man in my life that adores me, and who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I deserve that, and I deserve to be happy too. I never thought I would ever have to go through this. I never wanted to have the stigma of "divorce" hanging over my head. I never thought that I would be 30 and having to start my life completely over. I am trusting that God has something amazing for me on the other side of this. Please continue to pray for me and call to check on me. Loneliness is the worst part of it all. Thank you in advance for your support.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Strong enough for the both of us
So, its not a secret, at least I hope its not, that Daniel and I have been trying to get pregnant for right at a year now. I was diagnosed with PCOS in April of this year and its been a struggle for us. Through all the ups and downs we have faced this year, I have to admit, my faith and my security have taken a beating.
We have been busy with the new house and the new jobs so we haven't had a whole lot of time to dwell on the fact that its going to be a struggle to get pregnant. And, honestly, that's probably a good thing. I don't think it would be healthy for me to dwell on the fact that even though both of our sisters are like baby-making machines...I am "broken" in that department.
I have been doing a lot of research about PCOS and trying to understand all the "challenges" that I will be facing. Its such a strange and complex disease, and it manifests in so many different ways for each woman, that its really difficult to truly understand it and know what to expect.
I started going to a new doctor last month, after battling with my old OBGYN who didn't see eye-to-eye with me about being on infertility drugs....I don't want them unless I have to have them. The new doctor has been great so far and is very encouraging about getting me pregnant. Although, through all the encouragement, my body has been betraying me this past month. I was visited by "Aunt Flow" for almost three weeks straight after not seeing her for 3 months in a row. The Dr. put me on some vitamins, antibiotics and some birth control pills to stop the visit. Then when I'm done, the next step will be to try Metformin for a few months to regulate my ovulation. So long story short, I have been a hormonal mess for the past month, and sadly...Daniel has been the victim of my crazy.
Not only have I been emotional, I have been dealing with some severe insecurity issues lately too, which have also been dumped on my sweet hubby. Oh and let's not forget the insatiable hunger that has accompanied the hormonal change as well (although surprisingly I feel like I have lost weight in the process). I have started reading a book by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity" and it is great. I have also been loving this Matthew West song called "Strong Enough".
You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me
Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be
I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not stong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Well, maybe
Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally
Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be
I know I'm not strong enough to be
Everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Summer Update
My name is Starr Perry, and it has been 3 months since my last post....
A lot has changed since April. Life has been busy, and fun. I will break it down by major life events for those who read this...
1. Graduation- Daniel finished his degree at MTSU on May 5th, along with 2000 other graduates in his service. Being the loving wife that I am, I threw him a party and invited his friends and our family. My parents were able to join us after taking their very first plane ride. I was so proud of them! Daniel's dad and Micha drove in from Indiana for the weekend and his mom Jane, Sister Stacey, and family all came in from Crossville/Cookeville area for the day. We all met at Cracker Barrel that morning for breakfast and then went to graduation. Overall it was a great celebration for Daniel's accomplishment. I am very proud of him.
2. Trip to Mexico- As a graduation gift, and in celebration of Daniel's new job, we decided to take a trip to the Mayan Riviera the day after Graduation. We had an absolute blast and I loved the part of Mexico that we visited. We stayed for 4 nights at the Catalonia Riviera Maya all inclusive resort in Puerta Adventura Mexico. We splurged and stayed in the luxury suite and it was well worth the extra money. We went ziplining and were able to explore caves at the XPLOR excursion. We ate and drank to our little hearts content. We also went on a catamaran ride. We we so thrilled to be able to travel together and experience this place together. We cant wait to book our next trip out there!
3. New jobs- At the beginning of June Daniel started his job as a computer programmer at Passport Health Communications in Franklin. He seems to really enjoy it. He works with a few of his friends that he graduated with from MTSU. It is a very laid-back environment and he is learning a lot. I also started a new job at the beginning of July as an Executive Assistant for Thermal Solutions Manufacturing in Nashville. It has been a wonderful transition for me. I was introduced to the company by Debbie, a fellow classmate in the MBA program at TNU. Although Trevecca was a great place for me over the past 6 years, I had out-grown that position. I was ready for a new challenge and a new adventure.
4. House hunting- Once Daniel finally settled on a job here in Nashville, we decided it was time for us to stop renting and start looking into buying a home of our own. We had been toying with the idea for over a year, but the timing seemed to be right now. We started working with Tracey from Bob Parks in Smyrna. We found a few homes that we thought would work, but one in particular stood out to us. We put in an offer and it was rejected. We were disappointed but kept looking and found house #2. We put in an offer and it was accepted but was contingent upon a few factors, one being the inspection. After the inspection we found out that there were 3 major things wrong with the home and the owners were not going to be easy to work with. We decided to walk away from house #2 and keep looking. We found out that house #1 was back on the market and the seller was more motivated to sell now. We re-submitted our offer and it was accepted!! So we are in the middle of the process to complete the purchase of house #1, which happens to be our favorite :)
5. New puppy- Daniel has been talking about wanting a standard sized doxie for almost a year. One day last month he was searching Craigslist and found a mini wire-haired doxie named Archie for sale. Daniel fell in love and asked if we could get him. I agreed reluctantly and we brought him home. I have to say that little scruffy thing has melted my heart and he is a great addition to our little family. Cooper and Sophie accepted him right away and they get along great. His is such a fun loving little man. He will turn one at the end of July. He is also Daniel's birthday gift from me.
6. New baby- Ha tricked you! Its not mine...My nephew Trey and his girlfriend Nakita welcomed Tatum John Lovett into the world a couple of weeks ago. He is precious and I cant wait to meet him. So for those who are wondering about us...still no babies. This makes 10 months since we started trying to get pregnant. I have completed 3 rounds of Clomid and will begin my 4th round in August. If that round doesnt work then we are going to take a break and wait a few months to start again. This whole process is frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time. We want desperately to become parents, but we are also trusting in God's timing.
That pretty much wraps up our past 3 months. We have been busy, and we are enjoying life. I will try to be better about keeping everyone updated. Have a great rest of July!
A lot has changed since April. Life has been busy, and fun. I will break it down by major life events for those who read this...
1. Graduation- Daniel finished his degree at MTSU on May 5th, along with 2000 other graduates in his service. Being the loving wife that I am, I threw him a party and invited his friends and our family. My parents were able to join us after taking their very first plane ride. I was so proud of them! Daniel's dad and Micha drove in from Indiana for the weekend and his mom Jane, Sister Stacey, and family all came in from Crossville/Cookeville area for the day. We all met at Cracker Barrel that morning for breakfast and then went to graduation. Overall it was a great celebration for Daniel's accomplishment. I am very proud of him.
2. Trip to Mexico- As a graduation gift, and in celebration of Daniel's new job, we decided to take a trip to the Mayan Riviera the day after Graduation. We had an absolute blast and I loved the part of Mexico that we visited. We stayed for 4 nights at the Catalonia Riviera Maya all inclusive resort in Puerta Adventura Mexico. We splurged and stayed in the luxury suite and it was well worth the extra money. We went ziplining and were able to explore caves at the XPLOR excursion. We ate and drank to our little hearts content. We also went on a catamaran ride. We we so thrilled to be able to travel together and experience this place together. We cant wait to book our next trip out there!
3. New jobs- At the beginning of June Daniel started his job as a computer programmer at Passport Health Communications in Franklin. He seems to really enjoy it. He works with a few of his friends that he graduated with from MTSU. It is a very laid-back environment and he is learning a lot. I also started a new job at the beginning of July as an Executive Assistant for Thermal Solutions Manufacturing in Nashville. It has been a wonderful transition for me. I was introduced to the company by Debbie, a fellow classmate in the MBA program at TNU. Although Trevecca was a great place for me over the past 6 years, I had out-grown that position. I was ready for a new challenge and a new adventure.
4. House hunting- Once Daniel finally settled on a job here in Nashville, we decided it was time for us to stop renting and start looking into buying a home of our own. We had been toying with the idea for over a year, but the timing seemed to be right now. We started working with Tracey from Bob Parks in Smyrna. We found a few homes that we thought would work, but one in particular stood out to us. We put in an offer and it was rejected. We were disappointed but kept looking and found house #2. We put in an offer and it was accepted but was contingent upon a few factors, one being the inspection. After the inspection we found out that there were 3 major things wrong with the home and the owners were not going to be easy to work with. We decided to walk away from house #2 and keep looking. We found out that house #1 was back on the market and the seller was more motivated to sell now. We re-submitted our offer and it was accepted!! So we are in the middle of the process to complete the purchase of house #1, which happens to be our favorite :)
5. New puppy- Daniel has been talking about wanting a standard sized doxie for almost a year. One day last month he was searching Craigslist and found a mini wire-haired doxie named Archie for sale. Daniel fell in love and asked if we could get him. I agreed reluctantly and we brought him home. I have to say that little scruffy thing has melted my heart and he is a great addition to our little family. Cooper and Sophie accepted him right away and they get along great. His is such a fun loving little man. He will turn one at the end of July. He is also Daniel's birthday gift from me.
6. New baby- Ha tricked you! Its not mine...My nephew Trey and his girlfriend Nakita welcomed Tatum John Lovett into the world a couple of weeks ago. He is precious and I cant wait to meet him. So for those who are wondering about us...still no babies. This makes 10 months since we started trying to get pregnant. I have completed 3 rounds of Clomid and will begin my 4th round in August. If that round doesnt work then we are going to take a break and wait a few months to start again. This whole process is frustrating and heartbreaking at the same time. We want desperately to become parents, but we are also trusting in God's timing.
That pretty much wraps up our past 3 months. We have been busy, and we are enjoying life. I will try to be better about keeping everyone updated. Have a great rest of July!
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