Waiting on June

I heard this song today and even though it wasn't the first time I have heard it, today it brought tears to my eyes. I realized how sad and beautiful it was, and what an amazing love story. It also reminded me of my grandparents. As I mentioned in my last blog, my grandfather is sick and although I am many miles away, I have watched and heard from family about how extremely devoted my grandmother has been to him through this journey. Their love story is amazing to me. They have been my true example of what devotion, love and sacrifice means. To the outside world, their story may be very mundane, but in my eyes they are amazing. It also breaks my heart to see my grandmother having to watch her one true love fade away before her eyes. Its hard on her and there are days when she wants to give up hope. There are days when he doesn't know who she is anymore. There are days when I'm sure she just sits and cries, alone in her house. But then there are those days when he calls for her in the middle of the night and they still share that bond that made them fall in love so many years ago. I cant imagine the pain she must be going through, but I know that the man she fell in love with almost 50 years ago is still loving her the very best he knows how. That is what true love looks like. 

Waiting on June
By: Holly Williams

We were slower than we used to be, the nursing home told June and me
That we'd have separate rooms side by side,
Oh what I'd give for one more night of sleeping with my wife,
Since '45 I've touched her skin in the middle of the night
So I'm lyin' in this single bed until they cut the lights,
That's when she'll sneak in and I'll be fine

Waiting on June, so we can kiss goodnight
Waiting on June, I'll hold her hand so tight
Waiting on June, I'll love her 'til I die
It's bittersweet when love grows old and you really miss your wife
Waiting on June

Well they buried me last Tuesday morn,
The good Lord came, He took me home,
I closed my eyes and quickly went away
But the angels let me see her everyday

Waiting on June, our mansion is so grand
Waiting on June, footprints in the sand
Waiting on June, that's the story of my life
Cause me and Jesus are standing here 'til she walks through that light
Waiting on June

I'm still waiting on June,
I'm always waiting on June.
No more waiting on June...

The Christmas kind of Crazy

This past weekend I had a meltdown…it’s been a while and long overdue I believe. I guess the stress and pressure of the holidays and family issues finally got to me. I think everyone deserves a good meltdown every once in a while. My last blog touched on some topics that have been bothering me and I may not have been really clear about the intent of that blog in retrospect. The questions I posed about love may have come across as me being a “negative Nancy” about love and relationships…that is not the case at all. I am a hopeless romantic and sometimes I start questioning everything…and I mean EVERYTHING. I guess last week was one of those introspective weeks and if that blog offended anyone I apologize.

I am incredibly blessed and I want to make sure that the people in my life know how much they mean to me, especially this time of year. Some of you may know that my grandfather, the one man in my life that has never hurt me (and that is amazing) is very sick and dying slowly. It hurts me beyond words that he has to go through this and that I am so far away from my family at this time. I know it’s a struggle for everyone involved. I am trying to be strong and put on a hard candy shell again, but deep down I’m afraid. I’m also afraid of going home for the holidays because I know it is always stressful for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family so so much and I miss them tremendously, but the trip itself is stressful. I have to pick up my life, my dogs, and my carefully organized routine and drive 8 hours into chaos. Like every family, my family is full of drama, good and bad and as much as I love the people…the drama drives me bonkers. I try to avoid it at all costs.

So, between the family issues and the normal holiday craziness, I finally broke and all the “feels” as my friend Sarah calls it, came rushing out on Friday night. I have to say thank you to Jon because he was so understanding and calming during my crazy spell. I was certain he would run screaming for the hills. He is a blessing to me and I don’t tell him enough.

On Saturday Jon came over and we had the most amazing, Christmas-filled day on record. We went and picked out a real tree, hauled it home and he helped me decorate the house. We listened to Christmas music as we decorated and even hung the mistletoe. It was blissful. He even convinced me to pull out the old “classic” ornaments from my childhood and do a traditional tree. I LOVE IT!! He is an old soul and it resonates with my old soul. With the house finally decorated, it’s starting to really feel like Christmas, and I am excited. My journey this year has been bumpy, and crazy, but joyous this year. I have been incredibly blessed and I have learned to find my inner strength through all the trials. I will leave you with this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that I love so much…

“A woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”

What is Love?

What is love? We all know Webster’s definition, and the Corinthian verses that explain love, but how is it played out in real life? Is the ideal of love that we see on television and read in books…is it all a big lie? Is it even achievable? Have we been duped?

I’ve struggled with knowing what real love feels like. I have shrived for love my whole life. I put on the defense of being “perfect” to gain my family’s love and acceptance for the majority of my life. If I work hard enough then they will love me. I did it with God as well…if I’m a good enough Christian then I can earn God’s love. I did it in my marriage…if I just love him through all his faults, then it will be ok and he will have to love me back. You see how that worked out.

I’m sure it’s not a secret that I’ve been in therapy for the past year, and I’m working through a lot of my issues with the idea of what real love looks like. My therapist recommended I read a book that has really opened my eyes to a lot of my issues and it’s been one of the hardest times in the past year as I work my way through this book; not because it’s a hard book to understand, but the implications and the memories that it stirs up are brutal. This passage leaped off the page at me today as I finished the study.

“Most adult children of toxic relationships grow up feeling tremendous confusion about what love means and how it’s supposed to feel. The people they trusted did extremely unloving things to them in the name of love. They came to understand love as something chaotic, dramatic, confusing, and often painful—something they had to give up their own dreams and desires for. Obviously, that’s not was love is all about. Loving behavior doesn’t grind you down, keep you off balance, or create feelings of self-hatred. Love doesn’t hurt, it feels good. Loving behavior nourishes your emotional well-being. When someone is being loving to you, you feel accepted, cared for, valued, and respected. Genuine love creates feelings of warmth, pleasure, safety, stability, and inner peace.”

I long for that kind of love. I’m working on myself this year…and what a year it has been. I’m facing a lot of my demons and I’m confronting the lies that I’ve been dealt for so long. In the process, I’m learning to stand up for myself and be the woman of God that I was created to be. I have a huge heart and a lot of love to give…and I’m not letting people…friends, family, etc. take advantage of that again. Look out for the new and improved Starr. 

Oh What a Year it Has Been

I was driving through Murfreesboro this weekend and as we drove through the town square I noticed there were race signs posted throughout that read “Murfreesboro Middle Half Marathon Race Route, October 12, 2013” and I noticed that my breath caught in my chest. Like a lightning bolt it hit me that it’s been almost a year since that last weekend as a happily married woman. One year ago this weekend I was at that race cheering on my former husband in his first ½ marathon. I was surrounded by his family and spent that beautiful fall day oblivious to the chaos that was coming just a few short days later. The sign struck me so hard because it snuck up on me. I realized that I have been so happy and content in my new life that I didn’t realize I was approaching this anniversary. That has to be a good sign right? The past few months have brought many more smiles and lots more laughter than the previous months. I am thoroughly enjoying my new job at Nissan and I feel like this is exactly where I am supposed to be for this time in my life. I am navigating the arena of dating again and breaking down the walls around my heart and letting someone new in to my life. It’s been a challenge but totally worth the fight. I’m growing leaps and bounds in my faith and my relationship with my Savior this Spring/Summer. I am engaging in my church and my small group and I’m making some great connections and friends at my church. I can honestly say that as crazy as this past year has been, it has been the worst and BEST year of my life. That is so strange to say and many people may not understand how I can say that, but I trust God and I know he is working all things out for my good. I still do not have regrets about my marriage, and I know that all of those experiences helped shape me into the woman I am today and I am moving forward into a much brighter future. I want to say thanks to all my friends and family who have helped guide and support me this year and have shown me love through all the sorrow and questions. You all are such amazing blessings to me J Here is to another year and a brand new Starr. 

Watching it Begin Again

Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do
Walked in expecting you'd be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don't know how nice that is
But I do
And you throw your head back laughing
Like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause
He never did
I've been spending the last 8 months
Thinking all love ever does
Is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe
I watched it begin again
  ~ Taylor Swift, Red Album~

I have been playing this song on repeat lately...it has been speaking to my heart and telling my story. There is a reason I can't seem to wipe this goofy grin off my face. In the words of my favorite, Ms. Reba McEntire..."His Name is Jon." ;)

Taking off the masks

Forgive me for not updating this earlier...it's been a crazy summer. I have started attending my small group regularly and I'm finding some great friendships coming out of this journey of stepping out of my comfort zone. One of the girl's in my group lent me a book that is seriously changing my mindset on a daily basis. The book is called Grace for the Good Girl, letting go of the try-hard life.

I have lived so much of my life up until this point doing exactly that, trying hard to live a perfect life with so many masks. Here is an excerpt that really spoke to me:

As a good girl, my worship was small and my service was toxic because I didn't understand the completeness of my rescue. I knew I was going to heaven when I died, but I thought my life on earth was all up to me. Jesus saved me, and now he was standing back with his arms crossed, waiting to see how I would live my life. Service seemed a burden. Worship felt contrived. I had received Christ by faith for my salvation, but I was working hard for the rest. Until he said ENOUGH. When I began to understand that my true identity was not in how I looked, how I felt, or the lies I believed, my masks began to lose their staying power. It wasn't because I was trying hard to remove them. It was because I was seeing Jesus for who he really is, and in turn I was letting him see me. 

This summer my journey of faith has continued and God has brought me out of more comfort zones. I have started dating again and that is a whole new world to me, full of insecurity, questions, talking about myself, and trying to impress. I can understand why people enjoy it when its going well, and I can fully understand staying in the house to wallow when its going poorly. God is teaching me so much about myself through this process and He is constantly revealing himself to me through prayer and this book.

And so what happens in the life of a believer who has received both the gift of salvation and the knowledge of Christ's everyday presence and empowering? What is the result of sticking to his side like a girl peering out from the folds of her mama's dress? What happens when a mask-wearing good girl comes out of hiding and dares to trust love rather than be pushed around by fear? 

I don't claim to have all the answers...I have 100 new questions each day about how this plays out in my life, and my friends' lives...BUT I am super excited to see what God has in store for me this Fall!! This good girl is coming out of hiding and taking off the masks and I'm ready to really see my face the same way God sees me. Join me on my journey :)

Dandelion

As many of you know, I'm getting back into my painting and I've decided to do a series based on songs that inspire me. I love music, and so I figured this was a way to incorporate both loves into one. 

The first one was called "Black Bird" based on the Beatles song by the same name. 

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free"

 

The second painting in the series is still in process, but it will be entitled "Firefly", inspired by the song with the same title by Sister Hazel. 

"She's not like anyone else
You wonder why she captured
You like a firefly
And makes you shine like you never could alone

And tell me
Can you see her shining
Through a crowded room
Where she's the view
And maybe
She'll embrace your innocence maybe

She gets high but hates those cigarettes
She speaks and breaks your intellect
And she's allowed to change her mind
Just you try to stop her yeah

And so it is
The same you've not been since
One hit and you were lit up like a firefly
Be careful what you wish

She tells stories like a painter, yeah
With colorful words that I don't always understand
But it always sounds like somewhere better than here
Yeah, everywhere is better with her

She has a subtle way
Of making you forget your darkness
Behind some clever conversation
No finer heart, could ever beat for you"

 

And the third painting in the series is going to be called "Dandelion" inspired by Kasey Musgraves. She is my new favorite artist right now and this song really struck a cord with me. 

I will post more pictures of the paintings as I complete them. Stay tuned.