What is Love?

What is love? We all know Webster’s definition, and the Corinthian verses that explain love, but how is it played out in real life? Is the ideal of love that we see on television and read in books…is it all a big lie? Is it even achievable? Have we been duped?

I’ve struggled with knowing what real love feels like. I have shrived for love my whole life. I put on the defense of being “perfect” to gain my family’s love and acceptance for the majority of my life. If I work hard enough then they will love me. I did it with God as well…if I’m a good enough Christian then I can earn God’s love. I did it in my marriage…if I just love him through all his faults, then it will be ok and he will have to love me back. You see how that worked out.

I’m sure it’s not a secret that I’ve been in therapy for the past year, and I’m working through a lot of my issues with the idea of what real love looks like. My therapist recommended I read a book that has really opened my eyes to a lot of my issues and it’s been one of the hardest times in the past year as I work my way through this book; not because it’s a hard book to understand, but the implications and the memories that it stirs up are brutal. This passage leaped off the page at me today as I finished the study.

“Most adult children of toxic relationships grow up feeling tremendous confusion about what love means and how it’s supposed to feel. The people they trusted did extremely unloving things to them in the name of love. They came to understand love as something chaotic, dramatic, confusing, and often painful—something they had to give up their own dreams and desires for. Obviously, that’s not was love is all about. Loving behavior doesn’t grind you down, keep you off balance, or create feelings of self-hatred. Love doesn’t hurt, it feels good. Loving behavior nourishes your emotional well-being. When someone is being loving to you, you feel accepted, cared for, valued, and respected. Genuine love creates feelings of warmth, pleasure, safety, stability, and inner peace.”

I long for that kind of love. I’m working on myself this year…and what a year it has been. I’m facing a lot of my demons and I’m confronting the lies that I’ve been dealt for so long. In the process, I’m learning to stand up for myself and be the woman of God that I was created to be. I have a huge heart and a lot of love to give…and I’m not letting people…friends, family, etc. take advantage of that again. Look out for the new and improved Starr. 

Oh What a Year it Has Been

I was driving through Murfreesboro this weekend and as we drove through the town square I noticed there were race signs posted throughout that read “Murfreesboro Middle Half Marathon Race Route, October 12, 2013” and I noticed that my breath caught in my chest. Like a lightning bolt it hit me that it’s been almost a year since that last weekend as a happily married woman. One year ago this weekend I was at that race cheering on my former husband in his first ½ marathon. I was surrounded by his family and spent that beautiful fall day oblivious to the chaos that was coming just a few short days later. The sign struck me so hard because it snuck up on me. I realized that I have been so happy and content in my new life that I didn’t realize I was approaching this anniversary. That has to be a good sign right? The past few months have brought many more smiles and lots more laughter than the previous months. I am thoroughly enjoying my new job at Nissan and I feel like this is exactly where I am supposed to be for this time in my life. I am navigating the arena of dating again and breaking down the walls around my heart and letting someone new in to my life. It’s been a challenge but totally worth the fight. I’m growing leaps and bounds in my faith and my relationship with my Savior this Spring/Summer. I am engaging in my church and my small group and I’m making some great connections and friends at my church. I can honestly say that as crazy as this past year has been, it has been the worst and BEST year of my life. That is so strange to say and many people may not understand how I can say that, but I trust God and I know he is working all things out for my good. I still do not have regrets about my marriage, and I know that all of those experiences helped shape me into the woman I am today and I am moving forward into a much brighter future. I want to say thanks to all my friends and family who have helped guide and support me this year and have shown me love through all the sorrow and questions. You all are such amazing blessings to me J Here is to another year and a brand new Starr. 

Watching it Begin Again

Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do
Walked in expecting you'd be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don't know how nice that is
But I do
And you throw your head back laughing
Like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause
He never did
I've been spending the last 8 months
Thinking all love ever does
Is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe
I watched it begin again
  ~ Taylor Swift, Red Album~

I have been playing this song on repeat lately...it has been speaking to my heart and telling my story. There is a reason I can't seem to wipe this goofy grin off my face. In the words of my favorite, Ms. Reba McEntire..."His Name is Jon." ;)

Taking off the masks

Forgive me for not updating this earlier...it's been a crazy summer. I have started attending my small group regularly and I'm finding some great friendships coming out of this journey of stepping out of my comfort zone. One of the girl's in my group lent me a book that is seriously changing my mindset on a daily basis. The book is called Grace for the Good Girl, letting go of the try-hard life.

I have lived so much of my life up until this point doing exactly that, trying hard to live a perfect life with so many masks. Here is an excerpt that really spoke to me:

As a good girl, my worship was small and my service was toxic because I didn't understand the completeness of my rescue. I knew I was going to heaven when I died, but I thought my life on earth was all up to me. Jesus saved me, and now he was standing back with his arms crossed, waiting to see how I would live my life. Service seemed a burden. Worship felt contrived. I had received Christ by faith for my salvation, but I was working hard for the rest. Until he said ENOUGH. When I began to understand that my true identity was not in how I looked, how I felt, or the lies I believed, my masks began to lose their staying power. It wasn't because I was trying hard to remove them. It was because I was seeing Jesus for who he really is, and in turn I was letting him see me. 

This summer my journey of faith has continued and God has brought me out of more comfort zones. I have started dating again and that is a whole new world to me, full of insecurity, questions, talking about myself, and trying to impress. I can understand why people enjoy it when its going well, and I can fully understand staying in the house to wallow when its going poorly. God is teaching me so much about myself through this process and He is constantly revealing himself to me through prayer and this book.

And so what happens in the life of a believer who has received both the gift of salvation and the knowledge of Christ's everyday presence and empowering? What is the result of sticking to his side like a girl peering out from the folds of her mama's dress? What happens when a mask-wearing good girl comes out of hiding and dares to trust love rather than be pushed around by fear? 

I don't claim to have all the answers...I have 100 new questions each day about how this plays out in my life, and my friends' lives...BUT I am super excited to see what God has in store for me this Fall!! This good girl is coming out of hiding and taking off the masks and I'm ready to really see my face the same way God sees me. Join me on my journey :)

Dandelion

As many of you know, I'm getting back into my painting and I've decided to do a series based on songs that inspire me. I love music, and so I figured this was a way to incorporate both loves into one. 

The first one was called "Black Bird" based on the Beatles song by the same name. 

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free"

 

The second painting in the series is still in process, but it will be entitled "Firefly", inspired by the song with the same title by Sister Hazel. 

"She's not like anyone else
You wonder why she captured
You like a firefly
And makes you shine like you never could alone

And tell me
Can you see her shining
Through a crowded room
Where she's the view
And maybe
She'll embrace your innocence maybe

She gets high but hates those cigarettes
She speaks and breaks your intellect
And she's allowed to change her mind
Just you try to stop her yeah

And so it is
The same you've not been since
One hit and you were lit up like a firefly
Be careful what you wish

She tells stories like a painter, yeah
With colorful words that I don't always understand
But it always sounds like somewhere better than here
Yeah, everywhere is better with her

She has a subtle way
Of making you forget your darkness
Behind some clever conversation
No finer heart, could ever beat for you"

 

And the third painting in the series is going to be called "Dandelion" inspired by Kasey Musgraves. She is my new favorite artist right now and this song really struck a cord with me. 

I will post more pictures of the paintings as I complete them. Stay tuned.

Sleeping in Prison

Its been exactly one week since my divorce was finalized. The last post I wrote about how I had been feeling restless and anxious. Those feelings didn't subside until after I left the courthouse. For anyone else going through this process, you will come to find out that the actual divorce proceedings in the court are very anti-climactic. It was very cut and dry and no emotion. Afterwards, as we walked back to the cars, trying to make small talk, the realization that it was all over hit me. I held it together as best I could, until the elevator doors shut. It was almost a flood of emotion, relief, exhaustion, freedom. It's honestly hard to explain.

Well, the week that followed was also anti-climactic. I didn't all of sudden feel this huge burden lifted off my shoulders or anything. I went downtown to Nashville Dancin' on Thursday night and hung out with some church friends at the Old Spaghetti Factory. I think this group of strangers that I call "small group" will turn into some amazing friendships this year. The only thing that felt different about that night was the fact that I could look around and check out other guys without feeling guilty. That is a big step.

Fast forward to Saturday...my Freedom Party. I spent the day preparing and getting the house looking good, putting the food and decorations together, and mentally preparing for entertaining my guests. I love to host parties. It was great to spend time with all of my closest friends and just enjoy their presence in my life.

Sunday I was exhausted...but I got up and went to church and boy am I glad. God had a message picked out just for me. We are going through the book of Acts right now and this week's passage was from Acts 12. It was talking about Paul's escape from prison. How appropriate!!

The verses that we focused on were Acts 12: 5-6. "So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him.6The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries stood guard at the entrance."

Pastor Joel spoke about what in our lives are our prisons? What are the things/issues/relationships that we struggle with on a daily basis? And in the midst of those struggles do we trust God enough to REST in the middle of them? Paul was facing execution the next morning and he was asleep in his cell. Why was he not bothered? Why was he not pacing the floor begging God to save him?

What I got from this passage was the fact that Paul trusted God enough, and his faith was strong enough that no matter what situation he found himself in, he didn't have to worry. He knew that God would protect him, and even if he died that next morning, he would be with God in Heaven. What did he have to fear? 

That morning as I sat there in church, surrounded by new friends, and listening to the sermon, all I could do was cry out to God to give me peace. I prayed that He would give me faith strong enough to peacefully sit in the midst of my prison, until the time came for the doors to be flung open. 

The weight has been lifted off of me this week. It sheds little by little each day. And God is already opening up doors for me. I can see the light shining in!! Hold on...this journey is about to get good :)

Restlessness

Today I am feeling restless, anxious, out of control. I've been feeling this way for quite a while, but today it seems intensified. One week from today I will be jumping off that cliff called "Divorce", and I can only trust in God to give me wings.

Today I am dealing with a lot of stress outside of that too, which makes it even more difficult to wrap my head around where my anxiety stems from. Some days are much better than others, today I just feel uneasy about everything. You know that feeling called "restless leg syndrome" where your legs just have to move or you feel like you will go crazy? Well I have "restless life syndrome". I have a problem with being content. I am not content with my place in life at the moment. I'm not secure in my job right now and I have a stressed relationship with my boss...he cant seem to figure out that my name is not "Dawn". I am not secure in my decision to keep my house, or put it on the market this fall...every day that passes a small house sounds more appealing to me (with no roommates). I am definitely not secure in my dating relationships...I have none. The only thing that I am secure in is my relationship with my Savior.

I was sitting at lunch today just staring off into the distance and listening to the birds chirping away and I was praying that God would help me understand my restlessness. I started realizing that I'm more anxious about this court date than I thought. I don't think I'm anxious that I will be upset or be distraught or anything...I've pretty much dealt with all those feelings. I think what I'm most anxious about is the fact that in 7 days, I will be on my own.

I have been using this past 8 months not only to heal from the pain of a broken marriage, but I've been using it as an excuse...I can't talk that cute guy because I'm still technically married...I can't sell the house and move because I have to wait to refinance it when the divorce is settled...I can't change jobs because I need the money because I have a huge mortgage payment (see 2nd point)...I can't do this or that because I'm still married.

Well my excuses are coming to an end and now I have to face the fact that I can make whatever decisions I want to make without having to answer to anyone else! That is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. The possibilities are endless, but then again there is no one to catch me if I fall. I'm restless because I have so many dreams and ambitions, but I don't know where to start. I know this is the beginning of a new journey for me, and I am constantly praying for doors to be flung wide open for me. I trust in God's provision for me because He has never failed me yet.

I am anxious...but it's like a kid getting ready to go to Disney World...I just can't wait to see what my life is going to look like!!