Dandelion

As many of you know, I'm getting back into my painting and I've decided to do a series based on songs that inspire me. I love music, and so I figured this was a way to incorporate both loves into one. 

The first one was called "Black Bird" based on the Beatles song by the same name. 

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free"

 

The second painting in the series is still in process, but it will be entitled "Firefly", inspired by the song with the same title by Sister Hazel. 

"She's not like anyone else
You wonder why she captured
You like a firefly
And makes you shine like you never could alone

And tell me
Can you see her shining
Through a crowded room
Where she's the view
And maybe
She'll embrace your innocence maybe

She gets high but hates those cigarettes
She speaks and breaks your intellect
And she's allowed to change her mind
Just you try to stop her yeah

And so it is
The same you've not been since
One hit and you were lit up like a firefly
Be careful what you wish

She tells stories like a painter, yeah
With colorful words that I don't always understand
But it always sounds like somewhere better than here
Yeah, everywhere is better with her

She has a subtle way
Of making you forget your darkness
Behind some clever conversation
No finer heart, could ever beat for you"

 

And the third painting in the series is going to be called "Dandelion" inspired by Kasey Musgraves. She is my new favorite artist right now and this song really struck a cord with me. 

I will post more pictures of the paintings as I complete them. Stay tuned.

Sleeping in Prison

Its been exactly one week since my divorce was finalized. The last post I wrote about how I had been feeling restless and anxious. Those feelings didn't subside until after I left the courthouse. For anyone else going through this process, you will come to find out that the actual divorce proceedings in the court are very anti-climactic. It was very cut and dry and no emotion. Afterwards, as we walked back to the cars, trying to make small talk, the realization that it was all over hit me. I held it together as best I could, until the elevator doors shut. It was almost a flood of emotion, relief, exhaustion, freedom. It's honestly hard to explain.

Well, the week that followed was also anti-climactic. I didn't all of sudden feel this huge burden lifted off my shoulders or anything. I went downtown to Nashville Dancin' on Thursday night and hung out with some church friends at the Old Spaghetti Factory. I think this group of strangers that I call "small group" will turn into some amazing friendships this year. The only thing that felt different about that night was the fact that I could look around and check out other guys without feeling guilty. That is a big step.

Fast forward to Saturday...my Freedom Party. I spent the day preparing and getting the house looking good, putting the food and decorations together, and mentally preparing for entertaining my guests. I love to host parties. It was great to spend time with all of my closest friends and just enjoy their presence in my life.

Sunday I was exhausted...but I got up and went to church and boy am I glad. God had a message picked out just for me. We are going through the book of Acts right now and this week's passage was from Acts 12. It was talking about Paul's escape from prison. How appropriate!!

The verses that we focused on were Acts 12: 5-6. "So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him.6The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries stood guard at the entrance."

Pastor Joel spoke about what in our lives are our prisons? What are the things/issues/relationships that we struggle with on a daily basis? And in the midst of those struggles do we trust God enough to REST in the middle of them? Paul was facing execution the next morning and he was asleep in his cell. Why was he not bothered? Why was he not pacing the floor begging God to save him?

What I got from this passage was the fact that Paul trusted God enough, and his faith was strong enough that no matter what situation he found himself in, he didn't have to worry. He knew that God would protect him, and even if he died that next morning, he would be with God in Heaven. What did he have to fear? 

That morning as I sat there in church, surrounded by new friends, and listening to the sermon, all I could do was cry out to God to give me peace. I prayed that He would give me faith strong enough to peacefully sit in the midst of my prison, until the time came for the doors to be flung open. 

The weight has been lifted off of me this week. It sheds little by little each day. And God is already opening up doors for me. I can see the light shining in!! Hold on...this journey is about to get good :)

Restlessness

Today I am feeling restless, anxious, out of control. I've been feeling this way for quite a while, but today it seems intensified. One week from today I will be jumping off that cliff called "Divorce", and I can only trust in God to give me wings.

Today I am dealing with a lot of stress outside of that too, which makes it even more difficult to wrap my head around where my anxiety stems from. Some days are much better than others, today I just feel uneasy about everything. You know that feeling called "restless leg syndrome" where your legs just have to move or you feel like you will go crazy? Well I have "restless life syndrome". I have a problem with being content. I am not content with my place in life at the moment. I'm not secure in my job right now and I have a stressed relationship with my boss...he cant seem to figure out that my name is not "Dawn". I am not secure in my decision to keep my house, or put it on the market this fall...every day that passes a small house sounds more appealing to me (with no roommates). I am definitely not secure in my dating relationships...I have none. The only thing that I am secure in is my relationship with my Savior.

I was sitting at lunch today just staring off into the distance and listening to the birds chirping away and I was praying that God would help me understand my restlessness. I started realizing that I'm more anxious about this court date than I thought. I don't think I'm anxious that I will be upset or be distraught or anything...I've pretty much dealt with all those feelings. I think what I'm most anxious about is the fact that in 7 days, I will be on my own.

I have been using this past 8 months not only to heal from the pain of a broken marriage, but I've been using it as an excuse...I can't talk that cute guy because I'm still technically married...I can't sell the house and move because I have to wait to refinance it when the divorce is settled...I can't change jobs because I need the money because I have a huge mortgage payment (see 2nd point)...I can't do this or that because I'm still married.

Well my excuses are coming to an end and now I have to face the fact that I can make whatever decisions I want to make without having to answer to anyone else! That is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. The possibilities are endless, but then again there is no one to catch me if I fall. I'm restless because I have so many dreams and ambitions, but I don't know where to start. I know this is the beginning of a new journey for me, and I am constantly praying for doors to be flung wide open for me. I trust in God's provision for me because He has never failed me yet.

I am anxious...but it's like a kid getting ready to go to Disney World...I just can't wait to see what my life is going to look like!!

Streams in the Desert

My journey continues on day by day, step by step, through the wilderness called "Divorce". It is a strange, heart-breaking, yet redemptive journey, with God's help of course. Its been right at 7 months since we separated and although it seems like forever, it also went by like the blinking of an eye. I guess time does that as we get older...and hopefully wiser. The past month has brought many new experiences, and many chances for me to escape my comfort zone and take a few more leaps of faith. One of the major leaps has been going through the process of becoming a member of my church. I have been attending Midtown Fellowship for about 10 years off and on...more off than on regretfully. I love this church and its people have surrounded and comforted me through the past several months as the rest of my world seemed to be crumbling. I felt God leading me to take that next step and join the church...one to get involved, but even more so to have a group of people who will keep me accountable...a family.

I wanted to share a story about my journey into membership. One of the last steps to becoming a member of the church is to go to one of the elder's homes and give your testimony among a group of other soon-to-be-members. As an introvert, I was terrified by this. God is teaching me confidence and strength in EVERY area of my life lately. That night, as I sat and listened to the other 7 or so people share, the idea of a "Desert time" in their lives was a recurring theme. I sat there thinking about what my "desert" moment was...and the only time that really kept repeating was my entire 20's. How sad is that?

As I sat and started to share my story I feel like God just gave me the words and the strength to share because I was shaking like crazy. Not many of the people at my church know that I am in the process of a divorce. I didn't feel it necessary to throw that out there to semi-strangers. But that night, I felt it was as good a time as any. As I shared that part of my story, I remember the looks on people's faces, and the almost simultaneous "awww" that inadvertantly escaped their lips. That was what I wanted to avoid. I don't want pity. This journey is a major factor in what has led me to where I am today as a Christian, and this new relationship with my Savior was founded out of utter despair and brokenness. I want my story to be about how God has brought me out of that, and the path that God is leading me on now. This new decade of life has already brought so many new revelations into my life, not only of my strength (that comes from God, not me...I'm as weak as the next gal), but of what I will be known for, and the witness that I will be of God's amazing grace and love.

I will leave with a quote from the book Streams in the Desert:

He leads us on by paths we did not know;

Upward He leads us, though our steps be slow,

Though oft we faint and falter on the way,

Though storms and darkness oft obscure the day;

Yet when the clouds are gone,

We know He leads us on. 

My Life is a Dirty Carpet

I was shampooing the carpets in my basement bedroom last night and as I sat there methodically pushing and pulling that steam cleaner across the floor, listening to the roar of the engine, I found myself thinking a lot. It took me a good hour and a half to finish the floor, and during that time I started comparing my dirty floor to my life. Let me explain…

I bought this house a few months back and on the surface, the basement carpet looked in really good condition for the age of the house. No stains, no foul smells, and the fibers were still fluffy and vibrant. I moved in and started living my life on this carpet and that’s when it all started to change. One by one the stains came…dogs, muddy boots, and paint. I try to cover them up with rugs; try to scrub them out with stain removers. Then on top of the stains, there starts to be this unmistakable odor that permeates through the room. I buy more air fresheners; I light candles to mask the smell. But in the back of my mind, I always know there is something wrong with the carpet…it’s not fresh and vibrant anymore. I try to ignore it…I close the bedroom door so none of my guests know the hidden secret that lies in the basement. I consider the costs of replacing the carpet all together and starting with a clean slate. But ultimately, I resort to the hard work of cleaning the carpet. 

I borrow the steam cleaner, I buy the formula, and I read the instructions so I don’t miss a step. I move all the furniture, I vacuum the carpet first. I begin this long, laborious task and slowly I start to feel good about the results. After the first few passes of the cleaner, there isn’t much change. The stains are still there, the odors still smell. But after a while, I start to notice the color of the water. It’s gross. The cleaner is doing its job and the dirt and grime is starting to be cleaned away. After about half of the room is completed, I realized just how dirty the carpet really was. There was stuff being removed that I never knew was there. There were stains that were not even visible to the naked eye that were being washed away. And the best part…the room was starting to smell clean. 

I was feeling very accomplished by the time I was finishing up the room. Then a thought hit me…I can’t keep the carpet this clean forever. As soon as I step foot on it, it will start getting dirty again. The dogs are going to come back down here and they are going to make messes on my clean carpet. I was starting to get anxious, when I remembered that I can always clean it again. There is nothing that life can throw at me, no amount of piss or mud that the CLEANER can’t remove. I know it seems kinda cheesy, but this metaphor brought me comfort last night.

My New Normal

In the midst of tragedy, it's hard to feel like life will ever be normal again. No matter what the tragedy is, big or small. Well, I don't think I will ever have a "normal" life, but things are starting to fall into place for me again. I'm having to figure out what my new life is going to look like, and the fun part is...I get to choose!!

It's such a simple concept, but I am learning to set boundaries and that includes figuring out which people and which influences I will allow into my new life. I get to choose how I spend my days, what I do with my nights, and what attitude I will have through it all.

Lately, my new normal has included a very rigid routine (because that's what I like). I like my life to be organized and controlled...and since I can't control much, I try to keep to routines. My evenings lately have been spent walking the dogs around the neighborhood, meeting new neighbors, being chased by neighborhood dogs while jogging, cooking dinner, going to the gym, watching tv, cooking, listening to music, crafting/decorating the house and crocheting (for the many many baby showers that I've been invited to).

I am really starting to love my new life. I love my house and my neighborhood. I love that I'm learning to step out of my comfort zone to meet new people, to open up to people about my struggles, and to be vulnerable again.

I'm really excited to see what this Spring and Summer will look like. I know it will involve a lot of yard work, UUGGGHH, but I may learn to love it. I am eagerly anticipating the warm nights spent on my back deck, or in my hammock, watching the many colorful birds that live in my backyard. I envision nights on the porch of Cafe Coco with my best friend (before she moves away), and many weekends spent with my 3 pups at the dog parks. I look forward to Wednesday nights playing soccer in Mboro and the many free outdoor concerts downtown Nashville.

Spring symbolizes new life and I am so looking forward to embracing my new life this year. Its definitely not how I envisioned my life to be at this point, but I have so much to be thankful for!! I am blessed to be a blessing.

Journey of Faith

I know its been a few months since my last update. Life has been wonderfully crazy and that is just how I like it. For those of you who have been following my blog and my journey over the past 6 months, you know that God has been working on my heart in amazing ways. For those of you new to my story, I hope you see Jesus in me and I hope you see the ways in which He is being glorified through all the steps I have been taking on this journey of faith.

And its just that...a journey of faith. I always considered myself a Christian and I always, in true Nazarene form, tried to make sure I kept a holy "looking" lifestyle, although on the inside I was filled with guilt and shame. I knew I was a sinner and didn't deserve God's grace because I was never a "good enough" Christian. I judged people for their lifestyles, I didn't read my Bible, I didn't pray, I made excuses to not go to church, but deep down I still believed the promises of God were true.

Well, about past 6 months ago, my whole world and identity as I knew it came crashing down around me. If you don't know that story, just read back in my blog. I feel that since October of 2012 that I have been on a journey to rediscover who I am, who God is, and what that means for me. I am relating really well with Lot the past few months, especially the end of 2012 when all things seemed like a lost cause and I wanted to find a hole to crawl into. I feel like God has been using this awful situation to draw me closer to Him and to reveal himself to me in ways that are new and exciting. I feel that I had to come to a point where all the idols in my life had to be stripped away before I could truly see God. That process has been the most painful one I have ever gone through and I would never wish that on anyone.

But there is hope. Looking back over the past 6 months to the person I was in October, I can barely recognize that girl anymore. I have taken more leaps of faith this year than I have in the past 5 years combined. I am stepping out of my comfort zone to to step into the life God has called me to, as scary as it is. I have started attending the membership classes at my church and I have signed up to become part of a small group. Last night was the first night of the small group intensive and I sat there half full of fear and half full of excitement for the future. Its the first time in a while that I have felt like this is exactly where God wants me to be. I have no idea what kind of group that I will become part of, but I trust that God will place people into my life that will help me to dig out and sort through all of my issues and my questions, and my insecurities. I also trust that God will put people into my life that I can minister to as well.

I left the church last night and I had this strange sensation that I was standing on the edge of a cliff, looking around, but I wasn't scared. Then I had a dream last night that I was hang-gliding and just letting the wind take me where ever it chose to go. I was not in control, and it was so incredibly freeing!!

My only hope for this journey is that I can look back on this time in my life and I can honestly say that I have no regrets, and that I trusted God completely. I pray that my journey can be a blessing to someone out there and that I can be an example of God's grace and provision through even the most awful of situations.

I am so excited to see what tomorrow brings!!