Today I am feeling restless, anxious, out of control. I've been feeling this way for quite a while, but today it seems intensified. One week from today I will be jumping off that cliff called "Divorce", and I can only trust in God to give me wings.
Today I am dealing with a lot of stress outside of that too, which makes it even more difficult to wrap my head around where my anxiety stems from. Some days are much better than others, today I just feel uneasy about everything. You know that feeling called "restless leg syndrome" where your legs just have to move or you feel like you will go crazy? Well I have "restless life syndrome". I have a problem with being content. I am not content with my place in life at the moment. I'm not secure in my job right now and I have a stressed relationship with my boss...he cant seem to figure out that my name is not "Dawn". I am not secure in my decision to keep my house, or put it on the market this fall...every day that passes a small house sounds more appealing to me (with no roommates). I am definitely not secure in my dating relationships...I have none. The only thing that I am secure in is my relationship with my Savior.
I was sitting at lunch today just staring off into the distance and listening to the birds chirping away and I was praying that God would help me understand my restlessness. I started realizing that I'm more anxious about this court date than I thought. I don't think I'm anxious that I will be upset or be distraught or anything...I've pretty much dealt with all those feelings. I think what I'm most anxious about is the fact that in 7 days, I will be on my own.
I have been using this past 8 months not only to heal from the pain of a broken marriage, but I've been using it as an excuse...I can't talk that cute guy because I'm still technically married...I can't sell the house and move because I have to wait to refinance it when the divorce is settled...I can't change jobs because I need the money because I have a huge mortgage payment (see 2nd point)...I can't do this or that because I'm still married.
Well my excuses are coming to an end and now I have to face the fact that I can make whatever decisions I want to make without having to answer to anyone else! That is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. The possibilities are endless, but then again there is no one to catch me if I fall. I'm restless because I have so many dreams and ambitions, but I don't know where to start. I know this is the beginning of a new journey for me, and I am constantly praying for doors to be flung wide open for me. I trust in God's provision for me because He has never failed me yet.
I am anxious...but it's like a kid getting ready to go to Disney World...I just can't wait to see what my life is going to look like!!
In my humble opinion, you don't need someone to catch you right now. Based on everything I've seen thus far, you're taking mighty fine care of yourself. Take some time to embrace this new-found "freedom" and just keep doing what you're doing. Good things will happen. :)
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