Surviving the first few days

Well, its been almost 3 weeks now since Daniel said he wanted out. Its been one week since he actually moved into his new apartment.  It seems like a long time, but so short at the same time. I have been taking things day by day and praying a lot for healing, not only for me, but for Daniel too. Today I came across an article on a website called divorce360.com that really spoke to me. I pulled out a few excerpts from the article, but you can find the whole article here. I hope that by reading these passages, my friends and family will begin to understand how I've been feeling the past few weeks, and will see how they can help me through this process.

"When you first really understand that your spouse wants out of your marriage, it’s like a shocking slap in the face or a punch in the gut …. the kind where you can’t catch your breath and you drop to your knees."  "I kept thinking he would come to his senses. I kept praying for a miracle."

"I was devastated on so many levels I can’t even describe them all. Divorce is not only a very personal, but a very public failure, and I felt like a spiritual failure as well. I wondered, “what influence can I have for good in this life if the man I want most to please doesn’t think I’m worth being married to?”  

"I had always been a strong, confident, independent woman who loved life and all the joys it offered. But at the very beginning of this ordeal and the days immediately following, I was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. I wasn’t eating. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all the time. I was a physical, emotional, spiritual wreck."

"Even though I am an optimist and a God follower, I wondered what good could possibly come from the destruction of my marriage. In the beginning of the divorce journey I was so heartbroken I was having a hard time holding myself together."

"One of the things that is difficult about this journey is that you are embarrassed you are doing so poorly. Our culture seems to say divorce is no big deal. Friends tell us to “just get over it … he/she isn’t worth it, or you’ll find someone else.” There are no grief rituals for divorce. Widows or widowers have friends and family gather around, casseroles, sympathy cards, offers to help. Divorcees usually get nothing. People don’t give you the space or the encouragement to grieve as you must. I was a strong, confident woman, and I hated to admit I was doing so poorly."

"I can’t think of any other situation that is such a devastation to who you are as a person. I went from feeling good about myself to feeling like the biggest failure in the universe."

"The rest of your life is up to you. You can stay stuck in a life of bitterness, anger, fear or sadness for the rest of your days, or you can decide to create the most amazing life you can from here on out. You can be as joyful or as miserable as you decide you will be."

This article caught my eye because it explained so simply how I've been feeling. Its hard to put into words the emotions that I've been going through these past 3 weeks. The loneliness is hard. Seeing his stuff missing from the house is heart-wrenching, but pretending that everything is OK, when I'm completely shattered inside is the worst part.  I know that each day that passes brings me one day closer to healing and to a new life, but that doesn't make it easier right now.

As a Christian, I have to hold out hope that God will do a work on Daniel's heart that is beyond my comprehension. I have to believe that there is a reason that we are going through this trial in our lives. I have to believe that God called us to be married for a purpose, and I have to believe the promise from God that He is "working all things together for my good."

Some of my friends and family will not understand why I am holding out hope for reconciliation, and they will bad-mouth Daniel and say how I deserve better, but I still love my husband. I still love the man whom I vowed to love till "death do us part", through "better and worse." Our society takes divorce WAY TO LIGHTLY and makes it acceptable if one person isn't HAPPY. Love is not a feeling...its an action. I will not give up fighting until those divorce papers are signed. And when we both come out of this ordeal on the other side as better, stronger, more faithful people, all the glory will go to God alone.