Starting a new chapter

It's been 11 days since my world as I knew it came crashing down around my feet, all at the hands of the man I vowed to spend my life with. October 18th was a Thursday, and the first part of the day was normal. I went to work, chatted with Daniel online and we even planned a date night to go to Chuy's and walk around the mall. Things had been a little awkward that week and I thought a date night was just what we needed to reconnect. Boy was I wrong. I came home from work and got a shower and got ready to go on our date. Daniel arrived home and I could tell that something was bothering him and he seemed upset. I asked him what was wrong and pressed him to talk to me. I was not prepared for what he was about to say.

We went upstairs and sat on the couch. I could tell he was conflicted and he had tears in his eyes. He said he didn't really want to tell me because he knew it would hurt me, but he just blurted it out...I want a divorce. I was shocked, hurt, and confused. He went on to tell me that he loved me, but was not in love with me and he had been feeling this way for a couple of years now. He said he has been trying to deal with these emotions on his own and he has been pretending that everything is ok, but he can't pretend any longer. I wasn't even sure how to respond to that except to be extremely hurt, and to feel betrayed and lied to for so long. How could I trust anything he said or did in our marriage? Was it all a lie? Did he ever love me?

The past couple of weeks has sorta all blurred into one big nightmare filled with many tears, false hope about reconciliation, questions, stress, and more tears. Last night we sat down and drew up the separation papers and painstakingly went through who would keep each piece of furniture and cars, and how we would split up the finances. It was like all a big dream or nightmare. I felt disconnected from my body thinking...this can't really be my life. How could this man whom I devoted the last 5 years of my life to, just boil down our entire relationship into a business transaction with no emotion and no real concern? Do I mean that little to him after this long? He was even making jokes at my expense right there at the dinner table as I was dealing with the most hurtful thing I have ever had to deal with. How did we get to this point? How was I so blinded to the fact that he was not happy? Why did he chose to hide it for so long, and not just from me, but from our friends, and family too.

I know those of you reading this are probably just as shocked as I am. I just want you to know that I loved him with all my heart, and I fought for us to work to save our marriage. I did not give up, and I never stopped loving him because I made a commitment to him, to God and to our friends and family. Now, I have to move on. You know that saying, "If you love them you have to let them go", well I'm letting him go. I trust that God has a better plan for me. He wants me to be happy too. He wants me to have a man in my life that adores me, and who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. I deserve that, and I deserve to be happy too. I never thought I would ever have to go through this. I never wanted to have the stigma of "divorce" hanging over my head. I never thought that I would be 30 and having to start my life completely over. I am trusting that God has something amazing for me on the other side of this. Please continue to pray for me and call to check on me. Loneliness is the worst part of it all. Thank you in advance for your support.