Strong enough for the both of us

So, its not a secret, at least I hope its not, that Daniel and I have been trying to get pregnant for right at a year now. I was diagnosed with PCOS in April of this year and its been a struggle for us. Through all the ups and downs we have faced this year, I have to admit, my faith and my security have taken a beating. 

We have been busy with the new house and the new jobs so we haven't had a whole lot of time to dwell on the fact that its going to be a struggle to get pregnant. And, honestly, that's probably a good thing. I don't think it would be healthy for me to dwell on the fact that even though both of our sisters are like baby-making machines...I am "broken" in that department. 

I have been doing a lot of research about PCOS and trying to understand all the "challenges" that I will be facing. Its such a strange and complex disease, and it manifests in so many different ways for each woman, that its really difficult to truly understand it and know what to expect. 

I started going to a new doctor last month, after battling with my old OBGYN who didn't see eye-to-eye with me about being on infertility drugs....I don't want them unless I have to have them. The new doctor has been great so far and is very encouraging about getting me pregnant. Although, through all the encouragement, my body has been betraying me this past month. I was visited by "Aunt Flow" for almost three weeks straight after not seeing her for 3 months in a row. The Dr. put me on some vitamins, antibiotics and some birth control pills to stop the visit. Then when I'm done, the next step will be to try Metformin for a few months to regulate my ovulation. So long story short, I have been a hormonal mess for the past month, and sadly...Daniel has been the victim of my crazy.

Not only have I been emotional, I have been dealing with some severe insecurity issues lately too, which have also been dumped on my sweet hubby. Oh and let's not forget the insatiable hunger that has accompanied the hormonal change as well (although surprisingly I feel like I have lost weight in the process). I have started reading a book by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity" and it is great. I have also been loving this Matthew West song called "Strong Enough".

You must  

You must think I'm strong 

To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me 

Forgive me if I'm wrong  

But this looks like more than I can do 

On my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be 

everything that I'm supposed to be 

I give up I'm not stong enough  

Hands of mercy won't you cover me  

Lord right now I'm asking you to be  

Strong enough  

Strong enough For the both of us
Well, maybe 

Maybe that's the point  

To reach the point of giving up
Cause when I'm finally 

Finally at rock bottom  

Well, that's when I start looking up 

And reaching out
I know I'm not strong enough to be  

Everything that I'm supposed to be 

I give up  

I'm not strong enough  

Hands of mercy won't you cover me 

Lord right now I'm asking you to be 

Strong enough

I have been trying to give all my worry and concern and fears over to God and let him heal me, but I'm so stubborn. I haven't been sleeping well the past few nights because my mind won't turn off. I picked up my Beth Moore book last night and after a few minutes of reading in bed I felt the need to go sit out on the backporch and read while the storm rolled in. It was a brisk evening but the warm air blowing in from the storm felt nice. I sat there and continued reading and within 2 minutes, Beth was telling me in her book how she had a night similar to mine, and how she went out on her back deck and read and prayed and how she heard God whisper to her that she was enough...that she was loved...and that nothing could change that. 

I just got chills again writing that...That was exactly what I needed to hear last night. I needed to hear that I am "enough"...that I am LOVED, NO MATTER WHAT!!! Through all the crazy, through all the "barren-ness" that I have been experiencing, I am still enough for the God of the universe, and he LOVES ME!! Me---the broken, hormonal, crazy, hungry woman who is almost 30 with no kids...He loves me. That's enough for me as well.