I have a ton of different things running through my mind tonight so I'm just going to start typing and see what happens. I dont think I would be able to sleep if I dont get it out, so be warned...this may be a random assortment of thoughts and ideas...
I started going to my Divorce Care classes tonight. Its a 13 week program held at Christ Church that helps people like me who are going through separation or divorce. Just typing that sentence was so difficult on my pride. I still dont want to carry that stigma. Anyways, as I sat there and listened to the stories of these other 6 ladies from all backgrounds, ages, lengths of marriage, and number of children, I realized that I'm not ok with this...not OK at all. Let me explain...
I have put on a tough exterior lately and I have been telling everyone, and myself for that matter, that everything is ok. "I'm actually doing better than expected", and "Its really not that bad" have been my mantras for about a month. On the surface, I am doing pretty good. I mean I'm not laid up on the couch crying my eyes out and not eating like I was at first. I enjoy being by myself in this house with the dogs most of the time, and I am functioning in the world. But tonight, as I sat there in that room drinking coffee and eating chocolate, I realized that I'm not ok. Deep down, below the surface of the proud exterior I have perfected, I am a mess. I am broken. I am mourning. I am mourning the death of my marriage. I had such high expectations for our life together. I am mourning the fact that I wont have children any time soon. I am mourning the fact that my best friend just decided I wasnt worth the fight anymore and took the cowards way out. Sorry, but that's the truth. I am angry. I am hurt. I want to sooth the pain anyway I know how, and that includes drinking Woodchuck, watching sappy chick flicks, talking to my friends about my issues, not talking about my issues with other friends, and generally ignoring my feelings.
It seems everyone just expects me to be "OK" so quickly, and to move on with my life seemingly as quickly as it all ended. I dont know how to do that. I think that is an unfair expectation. I know everyone means well and they want me to be happy, but I need to feel the feelings and deal with them, not stuff them in a box called "normal" and "adjusted".
One thing that I am struggling with is having friends that understand what I'm going through. None of my close friends have ever had to deal with divorce, and so their "counsel" is limited. I still appreciate all the advice and the prayers, but its hard to really know how I'm feeling. I am also struggling with the thought that I am a burden on my friends. I know how draining it is to have a friend dealing with emotional issues and to always be that support. For me though, I am extremely lonely, so that means I may email you or text you out of the blue just to have someone to talk to.
Another thing that I'm struggling with is dealing with all this during the holiday season...UGHH so many happy families doing their happy traditions together. While others are worrying about which Christmas decorations to hang, I'm worried about taking his photos out of the picture frames and putting them into boxes. I have been avoiding this like the plague...I am not strong enough to do that on my own, but I am so ashamed to call and ask someone to come help me. There I said it. I'm completely vulnerable and too proud to ask for help because I dont want to be pitied.
As I sit here typing out my heart, I think these are the first tears I have shed in over a week. I hate being vulnerable and I just want to make it all make sense, but it doesnt. Nothing about this process or this situation makes sense. I can try to speculate as to why he left, but it would do no good. The end result is the same. The human and/or girl part of me wants to jump right back into the arms of a strong, handsome, caring man who loves me for me, and who appreciates me. But the sensible rational person in me knows that spells disaster. I know I have to take time to let myself grieve, mourn, and heal properly before moving on to another relationship. Logically I know that I am no where near ready for that, but emotionally I just want someone to hold me and tell me that I'm worth fighting for. Is that too much to ask? LOL.
I guess the moral of this story is...I am a mess, covered in a hard candy shell called "Pride". Please indulge me for a while and be the shoulder to cry on when needed. Please dont play with my emotions, or my head right now, because honestly, I dont think I am in a place to make rational decisions. And most importantly...keep praying for me. I need it.
im praying for you starr...and by just writing this blog shows how strong you are. love you diane
ReplyDeleteThanks! Good honest sharing- part of how you deal with junk. Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteThe thing called Pride does sometimes gets in the way , and also can do more harm than good. We fall in love and marry and you think you know a person , but do we realy? Divorce is never easy just like other things in life aren't , been there and been through that. Yes I agree, you need time to heal, and it will take time, and in this time of healing ask God to guide you and lift this heaviness off your heart, he has helped me through alot of tough situations. No one likes to be vulnerable or pitied , alleast we don't. Starr just know you a smart beauitful young woman and you will get through this with God's help and loving family and being around positive people. We're family so you aren't a burden, I will be praying for you and anytime you would like to talk call me your mom has my number, or if you like I could inbox it to you , let me know. Love ya , & God Bless Donna
ReplyDeleteYou are loved, and you always have a friend to lean on in me. I have gone through this and it is not fun, it is not easy, and it is random. And your emotions are normal, and you are extraordinary. Let yourself go, let yourself be vulnerable, and let "us" help to hold you up. It does not mean you are weak... it means you are strong enough to know your limitations.. and that is more than most people can claim. Sending loving arms to hold you when you need it... Debbie
ReplyDeleteLove you and praying for you God will lead you this valley and you will be back on the top before you know Struggles make us stronger I will send you my butterfly poem stay strong and see you soon love sissy
ReplyDeleteThese feelings. . . the anger, hurt, and every other emotion you are feeling. . . will not go away in a day, a week, a month, not even in a year. But eventually, someday, it will be easier to live with. In the meantime, cry, pray, talk. Don't get wrapped up in superficial means of drowning your sorrows. You are loved. . . by your family, your friends, most of all God. I will help you take down your pictures. I will listen. And you can cry (I will probably cry with you)! We will eat ice cream, and drink nothing stronger than tea (you really need to have your thoughts clear right now, don't jumble them. . . Most of all, you will get through this. Just don't rush through it. You are so right to take your time and grieve. And you are loved! Judy H. Let me know when you want my help. . . you know, my husband works ALL THE TIME. . . Time is something I have.
ReplyDelete