Wonderful as Horrible Can Be

I started reading a book this week called "Flying Solo" after it was recommended at my DC class. This book is a lady's journal through her first year after divorce. She is from Franklin, TN which is right down the road from me and so far this book is amazing. There are so many passages that I can relate to even though I'm not technically divorced.

"There are moments in this journey when You (God) are enough. There are moments when I feel You covering me, holding me and loving me. And then there are moments when I need that love to come to me through real arms, audible words and a human touch. And in those moments I have found You just as present and just as healing. I don't think it is weakness; I choose to see it as humanness. Humanness that You made and that You love. But even if it is weakness, the beauty is that right smack dab in the middle of it, I'm going to find Your strength."

"There have been moments in this journey when I've felt guilty for how sweetly You have loved me and moved on my behalf. But when I remember that I have been buried for so long, as if being fertilized, I realize that this is simply a season of all that was percolating underground finally coming to the surface. I didn't wake up today and find You moving this way. I have been pressing hard into You for years, desperate for You because of the pain of where I was. What has kept me close? I have simply surmised that I have never retreated. Even in those seasons when Your silence was deafening and in those seasons when I couldn't understand what seemed like Your lack of movement, when all I wanted to do was run, I stayed. I'm not perfect. I'm just stubborn."

 "I'm also having to learn the difference between healthy distractions and simply distracting myself from my pain. I am confronting the loneliness. The other side of the bed still holds an element of coldness, even though I have gone to sleeping in the middle of it. Most of my dinners are in front of the television now, but we had gotten to that point anyway. And I'm learning that talking out loud to You and engaging You in conversation is really enjoyable. You're enjoyable, do You know that? Crazy, I know. You know everything. But I enjoy You...and if You'll hang in there with me, I'm confident this is going to turn into a beautiful mess. I can only describe this as "wonderful as horrible can be."