Oh What a Year it Has Been

I was driving through Murfreesboro this weekend and as we drove through the town square I noticed there were race signs posted throughout that read “Murfreesboro Middle Half Marathon Race Route, October 12, 2013” and I noticed that my breath caught in my chest. Like a lightning bolt it hit me that it’s been almost a year since that last weekend as a happily married woman. One year ago this weekend I was at that race cheering on my former husband in his first ½ marathon. I was surrounded by his family and spent that beautiful fall day oblivious to the chaos that was coming just a few short days later. The sign struck me so hard because it snuck up on me. I realized that I have been so happy and content in my new life that I didn’t realize I was approaching this anniversary. That has to be a good sign right? The past few months have brought many more smiles and lots more laughter than the previous months. I am thoroughly enjoying my new job at Nissan and I feel like this is exactly where I am supposed to be for this time in my life. I am navigating the arena of dating again and breaking down the walls around my heart and letting someone new in to my life. It’s been a challenge but totally worth the fight. I’m growing leaps and bounds in my faith and my relationship with my Savior this Spring/Summer. I am engaging in my church and my small group and I’m making some great connections and friends at my church. I can honestly say that as crazy as this past year has been, it has been the worst and BEST year of my life. That is so strange to say and many people may not understand how I can say that, but I trust God and I know he is working all things out for my good. I still do not have regrets about my marriage, and I know that all of those experiences helped shape me into the woman I am today and I am moving forward into a much brighter future. I want to say thanks to all my friends and family who have helped guide and support me this year and have shown me love through all the sorrow and questions. You all are such amazing blessings to me J Here is to another year and a brand new Starr. 

Watching it Begin Again

Took a deep breath in the mirror
He didn't like it when I wore high heels
But I do
Turn the lock and put my headphones on
He always said he didn't get this song
But I do, I do
Walked in expecting you'd be late
But you got here early and you stand and wave
I walk to you
You pull my chair out and help me in
And you don't know how nice that is
But I do
And you throw your head back laughing
Like a little kid
I think it's strange that you think I'm funny cause
He never did
I've been spending the last 8 months
Thinking all love ever does
Is break and burn and end
But on a Wednesday in a cafe
I watched it begin again
  ~ Taylor Swift, Red Album~

I have been playing this song on repeat lately...it has been speaking to my heart and telling my story. There is a reason I can't seem to wipe this goofy grin off my face. In the words of my favorite, Ms. Reba McEntire..."His Name is Jon." ;)

Taking off the masks

Forgive me for not updating this earlier...it's been a crazy summer. I have started attending my small group regularly and I'm finding some great friendships coming out of this journey of stepping out of my comfort zone. One of the girl's in my group lent me a book that is seriously changing my mindset on a daily basis. The book is called Grace for the Good Girl, letting go of the try-hard life.

I have lived so much of my life up until this point doing exactly that, trying hard to live a perfect life with so many masks. Here is an excerpt that really spoke to me:

As a good girl, my worship was small and my service was toxic because I didn't understand the completeness of my rescue. I knew I was going to heaven when I died, but I thought my life on earth was all up to me. Jesus saved me, and now he was standing back with his arms crossed, waiting to see how I would live my life. Service seemed a burden. Worship felt contrived. I had received Christ by faith for my salvation, but I was working hard for the rest. Until he said ENOUGH. When I began to understand that my true identity was not in how I looked, how I felt, or the lies I believed, my masks began to lose their staying power. It wasn't because I was trying hard to remove them. It was because I was seeing Jesus for who he really is, and in turn I was letting him see me. 

This summer my journey of faith has continued and God has brought me out of more comfort zones. I have started dating again and that is a whole new world to me, full of insecurity, questions, talking about myself, and trying to impress. I can understand why people enjoy it when its going well, and I can fully understand staying in the house to wallow when its going poorly. God is teaching me so much about myself through this process and He is constantly revealing himself to me through prayer and this book.

And so what happens in the life of a believer who has received both the gift of salvation and the knowledge of Christ's everyday presence and empowering? What is the result of sticking to his side like a girl peering out from the folds of her mama's dress? What happens when a mask-wearing good girl comes out of hiding and dares to trust love rather than be pushed around by fear? 

I don't claim to have all the answers...I have 100 new questions each day about how this plays out in my life, and my friends' lives...BUT I am super excited to see what God has in store for me this Fall!! This good girl is coming out of hiding and taking off the masks and I'm ready to really see my face the same way God sees me. Join me on my journey :)

Dandelion

As many of you know, I'm getting back into my painting and I've decided to do a series based on songs that inspire me. I love music, and so I figured this was a way to incorporate both loves into one. 

The first one was called "Black Bird" based on the Beatles song by the same name. 

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free"

 

The second painting in the series is still in process, but it will be entitled "Firefly", inspired by the song with the same title by Sister Hazel. 

"She's not like anyone else
You wonder why she captured
You like a firefly
And makes you shine like you never could alone

And tell me
Can you see her shining
Through a crowded room
Where she's the view
And maybe
She'll embrace your innocence maybe

She gets high but hates those cigarettes
She speaks and breaks your intellect
And she's allowed to change her mind
Just you try to stop her yeah

And so it is
The same you've not been since
One hit and you were lit up like a firefly
Be careful what you wish

She tells stories like a painter, yeah
With colorful words that I don't always understand
But it always sounds like somewhere better than here
Yeah, everywhere is better with her

She has a subtle way
Of making you forget your darkness
Behind some clever conversation
No finer heart, could ever beat for you"

 

And the third painting in the series is going to be called "Dandelion" inspired by Kasey Musgraves. She is my new favorite artist right now and this song really struck a cord with me. 

I will post more pictures of the paintings as I complete them. Stay tuned.

Sleeping in Prison

Its been exactly one week since my divorce was finalized. The last post I wrote about how I had been feeling restless and anxious. Those feelings didn't subside until after I left the courthouse. For anyone else going through this process, you will come to find out that the actual divorce proceedings in the court are very anti-climactic. It was very cut and dry and no emotion. Afterwards, as we walked back to the cars, trying to make small talk, the realization that it was all over hit me. I held it together as best I could, until the elevator doors shut. It was almost a flood of emotion, relief, exhaustion, freedom. It's honestly hard to explain.

Well, the week that followed was also anti-climactic. I didn't all of sudden feel this huge burden lifted off my shoulders or anything. I went downtown to Nashville Dancin' on Thursday night and hung out with some church friends at the Old Spaghetti Factory. I think this group of strangers that I call "small group" will turn into some amazing friendships this year. The only thing that felt different about that night was the fact that I could look around and check out other guys without feeling guilty. That is a big step.

Fast forward to Saturday...my Freedom Party. I spent the day preparing and getting the house looking good, putting the food and decorations together, and mentally preparing for entertaining my guests. I love to host parties. It was great to spend time with all of my closest friends and just enjoy their presence in my life.

Sunday I was exhausted...but I got up and went to church and boy am I glad. God had a message picked out just for me. We are going through the book of Acts right now and this week's passage was from Acts 12. It was talking about Paul's escape from prison. How appropriate!!

The verses that we focused on were Acts 12: 5-6. "So Peter was kept in prison, but the church was earnestly praying to God for him.6The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries stood guard at the entrance."

Pastor Joel spoke about what in our lives are our prisons? What are the things/issues/relationships that we struggle with on a daily basis? And in the midst of those struggles do we trust God enough to REST in the middle of them? Paul was facing execution the next morning and he was asleep in his cell. Why was he not bothered? Why was he not pacing the floor begging God to save him?

What I got from this passage was the fact that Paul trusted God enough, and his faith was strong enough that no matter what situation he found himself in, he didn't have to worry. He knew that God would protect him, and even if he died that next morning, he would be with God in Heaven. What did he have to fear? 

That morning as I sat there in church, surrounded by new friends, and listening to the sermon, all I could do was cry out to God to give me peace. I prayed that He would give me faith strong enough to peacefully sit in the midst of my prison, until the time came for the doors to be flung open. 

The weight has been lifted off of me this week. It sheds little by little each day. And God is already opening up doors for me. I can see the light shining in!! Hold on...this journey is about to get good :)

Restlessness

Today I am feeling restless, anxious, out of control. I've been feeling this way for quite a while, but today it seems intensified. One week from today I will be jumping off that cliff called "Divorce", and I can only trust in God to give me wings.

Today I am dealing with a lot of stress outside of that too, which makes it even more difficult to wrap my head around where my anxiety stems from. Some days are much better than others, today I just feel uneasy about everything. You know that feeling called "restless leg syndrome" where your legs just have to move or you feel like you will go crazy? Well I have "restless life syndrome". I have a problem with being content. I am not content with my place in life at the moment. I'm not secure in my job right now and I have a stressed relationship with my boss...he cant seem to figure out that my name is not "Dawn". I am not secure in my decision to keep my house, or put it on the market this fall...every day that passes a small house sounds more appealing to me (with no roommates). I am definitely not secure in my dating relationships...I have none. The only thing that I am secure in is my relationship with my Savior.

I was sitting at lunch today just staring off into the distance and listening to the birds chirping away and I was praying that God would help me understand my restlessness. I started realizing that I'm more anxious about this court date than I thought. I don't think I'm anxious that I will be upset or be distraught or anything...I've pretty much dealt with all those feelings. I think what I'm most anxious about is the fact that in 7 days, I will be on my own.

I have been using this past 8 months not only to heal from the pain of a broken marriage, but I've been using it as an excuse...I can't talk that cute guy because I'm still technically married...I can't sell the house and move because I have to wait to refinance it when the divorce is settled...I can't change jobs because I need the money because I have a huge mortgage payment (see 2nd point)...I can't do this or that because I'm still married.

Well my excuses are coming to an end and now I have to face the fact that I can make whatever decisions I want to make without having to answer to anyone else! That is exciting and terrifying all at the same time. The possibilities are endless, but then again there is no one to catch me if I fall. I'm restless because I have so many dreams and ambitions, but I don't know where to start. I know this is the beginning of a new journey for me, and I am constantly praying for doors to be flung wide open for me. I trust in God's provision for me because He has never failed me yet.

I am anxious...but it's like a kid getting ready to go to Disney World...I just can't wait to see what my life is going to look like!!

Streams in the Desert

My journey continues on day by day, step by step, through the wilderness called "Divorce". It is a strange, heart-breaking, yet redemptive journey, with God's help of course. Its been right at 7 months since we separated and although it seems like forever, it also went by like the blinking of an eye. I guess time does that as we get older...and hopefully wiser. The past month has brought many new experiences, and many chances for me to escape my comfort zone and take a few more leaps of faith. One of the major leaps has been going through the process of becoming a member of my church. I have been attending Midtown Fellowship for about 10 years off and on...more off than on regretfully. I love this church and its people have surrounded and comforted me through the past several months as the rest of my world seemed to be crumbling. I felt God leading me to take that next step and join the church...one to get involved, but even more so to have a group of people who will keep me accountable...a family.

I wanted to share a story about my journey into membership. One of the last steps to becoming a member of the church is to go to one of the elder's homes and give your testimony among a group of other soon-to-be-members. As an introvert, I was terrified by this. God is teaching me confidence and strength in EVERY area of my life lately. That night, as I sat and listened to the other 7 or so people share, the idea of a "Desert time" in their lives was a recurring theme. I sat there thinking about what my "desert" moment was...and the only time that really kept repeating was my entire 20's. How sad is that?

As I sat and started to share my story I feel like God just gave me the words and the strength to share because I was shaking like crazy. Not many of the people at my church know that I am in the process of a divorce. I didn't feel it necessary to throw that out there to semi-strangers. But that night, I felt it was as good a time as any. As I shared that part of my story, I remember the looks on people's faces, and the almost simultaneous "awww" that inadvertantly escaped their lips. That was what I wanted to avoid. I don't want pity. This journey is a major factor in what has led me to where I am today as a Christian, and this new relationship with my Savior was founded out of utter despair and brokenness. I want my story to be about how God has brought me out of that, and the path that God is leading me on now. This new decade of life has already brought so many new revelations into my life, not only of my strength (that comes from God, not me...I'm as weak as the next gal), but of what I will be known for, and the witness that I will be of God's amazing grace and love.

I will leave with a quote from the book Streams in the Desert:

He leads us on by paths we did not know;

Upward He leads us, though our steps be slow,

Though oft we faint and falter on the way,

Though storms and darkness oft obscure the day;

Yet when the clouds are gone,

We know He leads us on.