Waiting on June

I heard this song today and even though it wasn't the first time I have heard it, today it brought tears to my eyes. I realized how sad and beautiful it was, and what an amazing love story. It also reminded me of my grandparents. As I mentioned in my last blog, my grandfather is sick and although I am many miles away, I have watched and heard from family about how extremely devoted my grandmother has been to him through this journey. Their love story is amazing to me. They have been my true example of what devotion, love and sacrifice means. To the outside world, their story may be very mundane, but in my eyes they are amazing. It also breaks my heart to see my grandmother having to watch her one true love fade away before her eyes. Its hard on her and there are days when she wants to give up hope. There are days when he doesn't know who she is anymore. There are days when I'm sure she just sits and cries, alone in her house. But then there are those days when he calls for her in the middle of the night and they still share that bond that made them fall in love so many years ago. I cant imagine the pain she must be going through, but I know that the man she fell in love with almost 50 years ago is still loving her the very best he knows how. That is what true love looks like. 

Waiting on June
By: Holly Williams

We were slower than we used to be, the nursing home told June and me
That we'd have separate rooms side by side,
Oh what I'd give for one more night of sleeping with my wife,
Since '45 I've touched her skin in the middle of the night
So I'm lyin' in this single bed until they cut the lights,
That's when she'll sneak in and I'll be fine

Waiting on June, so we can kiss goodnight
Waiting on June, I'll hold her hand so tight
Waiting on June, I'll love her 'til I die
It's bittersweet when love grows old and you really miss your wife
Waiting on June

Well they buried me last Tuesday morn,
The good Lord came, He took me home,
I closed my eyes and quickly went away
But the angels let me see her everyday

Waiting on June, our mansion is so grand
Waiting on June, footprints in the sand
Waiting on June, that's the story of my life
Cause me and Jesus are standing here 'til she walks through that light
Waiting on June

I'm still waiting on June,
I'm always waiting on June.
No more waiting on June...

The Christmas kind of Crazy

This past weekend I had a meltdown…it’s been a while and long overdue I believe. I guess the stress and pressure of the holidays and family issues finally got to me. I think everyone deserves a good meltdown every once in a while. My last blog touched on some topics that have been bothering me and I may not have been really clear about the intent of that blog in retrospect. The questions I posed about love may have come across as me being a “negative Nancy” about love and relationships…that is not the case at all. I am a hopeless romantic and sometimes I start questioning everything…and I mean EVERYTHING. I guess last week was one of those introspective weeks and if that blog offended anyone I apologize.

I am incredibly blessed and I want to make sure that the people in my life know how much they mean to me, especially this time of year. Some of you may know that my grandfather, the one man in my life that has never hurt me (and that is amazing) is very sick and dying slowly. It hurts me beyond words that he has to go through this and that I am so far away from my family at this time. I know it’s a struggle for everyone involved. I am trying to be strong and put on a hard candy shell again, but deep down I’m afraid. I’m also afraid of going home for the holidays because I know it is always stressful for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family so so much and I miss them tremendously, but the trip itself is stressful. I have to pick up my life, my dogs, and my carefully organized routine and drive 8 hours into chaos. Like every family, my family is full of drama, good and bad and as much as I love the people…the drama drives me bonkers. I try to avoid it at all costs.

So, between the family issues and the normal holiday craziness, I finally broke and all the “feels” as my friend Sarah calls it, came rushing out on Friday night. I have to say thank you to Jon because he was so understanding and calming during my crazy spell. I was certain he would run screaming for the hills. He is a blessing to me and I don’t tell him enough.

On Saturday Jon came over and we had the most amazing, Christmas-filled day on record. We went and picked out a real tree, hauled it home and he helped me decorate the house. We listened to Christmas music as we decorated and even hung the mistletoe. It was blissful. He even convinced me to pull out the old “classic” ornaments from my childhood and do a traditional tree. I LOVE IT!! He is an old soul and it resonates with my old soul. With the house finally decorated, it’s starting to really feel like Christmas, and I am excited. My journey this year has been bumpy, and crazy, but joyous this year. I have been incredibly blessed and I have learned to find my inner strength through all the trials. I will leave you with this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that I love so much…

“A woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”

What is Love?

What is love? We all know Webster’s definition, and the Corinthian verses that explain love, but how is it played out in real life? Is the ideal of love that we see on television and read in books…is it all a big lie? Is it even achievable? Have we been duped?

I’ve struggled with knowing what real love feels like. I have shrived for love my whole life. I put on the defense of being “perfect” to gain my family’s love and acceptance for the majority of my life. If I work hard enough then they will love me. I did it with God as well…if I’m a good enough Christian then I can earn God’s love. I did it in my marriage…if I just love him through all his faults, then it will be ok and he will have to love me back. You see how that worked out.

I’m sure it’s not a secret that I’ve been in therapy for the past year, and I’m working through a lot of my issues with the idea of what real love looks like. My therapist recommended I read a book that has really opened my eyes to a lot of my issues and it’s been one of the hardest times in the past year as I work my way through this book; not because it’s a hard book to understand, but the implications and the memories that it stirs up are brutal. This passage leaped off the page at me today as I finished the study.

“Most adult children of toxic relationships grow up feeling tremendous confusion about what love means and how it’s supposed to feel. The people they trusted did extremely unloving things to them in the name of love. They came to understand love as something chaotic, dramatic, confusing, and often painful—something they had to give up their own dreams and desires for. Obviously, that’s not was love is all about. Loving behavior doesn’t grind you down, keep you off balance, or create feelings of self-hatred. Love doesn’t hurt, it feels good. Loving behavior nourishes your emotional well-being. When someone is being loving to you, you feel accepted, cared for, valued, and respected. Genuine love creates feelings of warmth, pleasure, safety, stability, and inner peace.”

I long for that kind of love. I’m working on myself this year…and what a year it has been. I’m facing a lot of my demons and I’m confronting the lies that I’ve been dealt for so long. In the process, I’m learning to stand up for myself and be the woman of God that I was created to be. I have a huge heart and a lot of love to give…and I’m not letting people…friends, family, etc. take advantage of that again. Look out for the new and improved Starr.